Total Pageviews

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Seven Year Switch or Age is a Number...and they've got mine!

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for the Seven Year Itch, , Twitch, Hitch,  Stretch

If you live long enough, you are bound to experience age discrimination, and I have.  Because I have banned all mirrors in my house, I forget that my laugh lines do no disappear when I stop laughing, so you can imagine my surprise when people thought I was old on our recent cruise.

Ok, the fact that this was our 50th wedding anniversary cruise should have given me a hint that I wasn't twenty any more, but I don't feel old in spite of nature's little reminders.

The first "surprise" happened on the first night of the cruise.  After dinner Dr. Hubby, the nine-year-old, the twelve-year-old, myself, and my sister and her husband had a family picture made to commemorate the occasion. See blog "One Picture Needs a Thousand Words." The gist of the portrait fiasco was that the photographer thought that the children belonged to my sister and I was her mother.  Our mother is 94 by the way.  I did NOT buy the pictures. 

The next day younger sister suggested we attend some free spa and beauty sessions located on Cloud 9.  I didn't know if she was not so subtly hinting that one of us needed some beauty help or because it was raining and she didn't want to play Bingo.  

We had our feet printed and analyzed and guess what?  My feet needed $200 insoles.  Her feet were flat but fine.  We went to the skin toning and wrinkle smoothing session.  Guess what?  My skin needed $1,950 worth of lifts, tucks, and sucks. She needed a $39 face cream.
We went to the free beauty make-over.  I was not even in the running for the free teeth whitening, the free haircut, or the free facial.  She got extra samples of everything. I was skipped.  I guess they figured one sample wouldn't do me any good and a hundred wouldn't be enough.

On the fourth day while my baby sister was working out in the ship's gym (show off), I made an appointment with the ship's beautician, hair colorist, and on board magician.  I wanted the full treatment, haircut, shampoo, styling, coloring, the works.   I was keelhauling the gray.

While I was sitting in the salon waiting for my appointment, a twenty-something Barbie Doll came in and sat next to me.  The receptionist confirmed that Barbie wanted a pedicure and told me Michaile was running a little behind but it wouldn't be long.

Five minutes later Michaile came over and knelt to eye level with Miss Barbie Dull.

"Oh, such lovely tresses. Surely there is nothing I can do for you but I try.  You are wanting the color with the cut and styling, yes?"

Now why did Michaile just assume I was there for the corns, bunions, and callus sanding and Miss Barbie Dull wanted nice hair?

When Michaile was able to extricate his foot from his mouth, he escorted me to the styling chair and faced me towards the mirror.  I don't know who looked more forlorn in the reflection, me or him.  But to his credit, he worked the cruise ship Magic and we were both happy when I left.

At dinner my sister smiled and said "Well, don't you look nice.  I like your hair."

"Well thank you very much,” and we all sat down to dinner.

 There are a few advantages to being seven years older. I've been where she is but she hasn't been where I am...yet.  Hee hee!.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

To Clean or Not to Clean..Is that really a question?

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for a clean sweep 

Why is it that when I schedule the bug man to come and spray our house, I feel the need to go on a massive cleaning spree?  Before I commit to cleaning, increasing the hole in the ozone layer, and ruining my afternoon nap, I should answer the following questions.

1.  How long has the vacuum cleaner been sitting in the living room?  And is that tinsel on the handle? Christmas is just around the corner.
2.  Have the spiders completed mapping the entire universe with their cobwebs?  I'd hate for them to have to start all over.
3. Is the the dust levi about to break around the TV set?
4.  Are the grout lines in the tile even with the tile?
5.  Is the north wall fully insulted with stacked newspapers?  Could be a cold winter coming up.
6.  Are the clothes hanging on the treadmill now 3 sizes too small?  If they stay there, could be good motivation.
7.  Will the bug spray form a protective barrier or create a mudslide?  At least there would not be any more dust.

And most importantly

8.  Do any of the people on his client list know me and will he talk?

If the answer to #8 is yes, I'm donning my haz-mat  suit and going in for the clean-up.  Dirt doesn't stand a chance when it comes to a blabber mouth bug man.

Monday, June 9, 2014

One Picture Needs a Thousand Words

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for Botox, Detox, and orthopedic socks

Ok, I admit it.  I am not the kind of person who spends a lot of time on her looks.  To be totally honest, I am hair and fashion challenged.  However, after this last cruise, I may to have to change my ways, it if is not too late.

My sister is seven years younger than I am.  Growing up, she had to watch every bite she took or she would gain weight.  I could eat hamburgers, malts, French fries AND onion rings and never gains an ounce.  She had naturally curly hair and had to iron it with an iron on the ironing board to get it straight.  Mine was naturally straight with a little wave. 

Recently she and her husband went on a seven day cruise with my husband, me and the nine-year-old and the twelve-year-old.  One of the neat things about a cruise is that there are at least ten photographers with varying backdrops scattered about the ship every evening.  You can have your picture taken as many times as you like and you don't have to buy any of them if you don't want to.

Of course we had to have a family picture the first night. The first night is always the best night for pictures because with ice cream and pizza available 24/7 you will definitely weigh less that first night than the last and your slacks will still touch your ankles.

Now the thing is as you get older, young people get younger. So as we sought the most pleasing background, white with a white chaise lounge, the teeny-bopper photographer began arranging our group.
Dr. Hubby and I were to the right, me seated, then she placed my sister next to me, her husband behind her, and the children placed to the left of her.  I remember thinking "Wonder why she put the children next to my sister?"

She snapped a few pictures then said "Ok, how about one with just the grandparents?"  I looked around to see if our 94 year old mother had sneaked on board but the teeny bopper was looking right at me. 

"Uh, no" I said, and before I could go into a full age discriminatory rage and say anything, she came back with "Ok, just Mom and Dad and the children."  My sister couldn't stop laughing, I couldn't stop fuming, and Dr. Hubby and the children couldn't stop running.

The next morning I found the pictures in the gallery and quickly discarded them.  I told my sister "You better watch out.  These next seven years are going to take their toll on you."

That afternoon she and her husband headed to the gym and exercise room, attended seminars on detoxification, wrinkle removers, and skin care and picked only meals with the little heart emblem next to it at dinner. I ate three bowls of ice cream and made an appointment with Michael-the-South African-Hair-Wonder-Worker, but that is a story for next week. 

Stay tuned to see if it's Carnival Time or Magic Time when I show up at the Cloud 9 beauty salon.