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Monday, September 23, 2013

Live Long and Prosper, Monkey Pickles

by JodyWorsham
All rights reserved for Translation App

 I have been a guest writer on Monkey Pickles.Com for the past couple of months.  Huntz is the originator?  owner? Webmaster or something at Monkey Pickles.  He just sent out a memo (make that an e-mo) to all us new pickle writers...or maybe it was just me.

I don't know Huntz that well. I've talked to him once, but I'm thinking he may be a tad dyslexic, has fat fingers and keeps hitting the wrong keys, or he is possibly from another solar system. Here is the gist of what he wrote, I think.  I am writing this from memory having accidentally hit the delete button instead of the translation app.  It could be in English but I am not ruling out Klingon.

Huntz:  "Hope you are logging in backwards to Word Press and separating your words with  < and  > and h2o, with text tabs, and Word Stuff."

Login?? Logs in the woods out here.

 Backin?? Backed into a fence once...ok twice

h2o?? Thought that was water

h2o 2o?  Too much water?

Text? A book I had to read in school.

TAB?  First diet soft drink.

Huntz:  "Choose 3 tags from the most used and season well to increase the pipeline."

I go Tag-less since Michael Jordan appeared  in that TV commercial with the question "Boxers or Briefs" and no tag.  My most used tags are "Large, X-large, and Tent."

The only seasonings I have are salt and pepper but I also like fall and winter. Concerning pipelines, we have Mobile, Exxon, and Texaco and a few hundred others running through most of Texas.  That's about all we can handle right now.

In regard to word press, well I have had some experience there.  Our new puppy chewed up the kids' homework the other day so I had to first find the iron and press the paper so the teacher could read the words. So I do press words.

As the newest and oldest living Monkey Pickler writer and the one with quite possibly the shortest writing career in the history of Monkey Pickles, I can cut and paste and e-mail.  That's it. That is  the extent of my computer-ish-ness.

In the event Huntz is waiting for the Mother Ship to return and is doing Monkey Pickles on the side, I say "Live long and prosper, Huntz (and don't back into any pipelines)."

Monday, September 16, 2013

Miss America, 82 years later

by Jody Worsham grinsandgroans at
All rights reserved for jewelry cleaner

Is has been more than a few years since I watched the Miss America Pageant.  Things have changed.

Before watching the Miss America Pageant last night, I checked to see what interesting talents  I might see besides the customary singing,piano playing, and tap dancing.  Of the 53 contestants, the unusual talent fare included two baton twirlers, two Irish Step dancers, two violin performers, one ballet en pointe, two Bollywood dancers, one African Folkloric dance, and one combo baton, hoop, and flag twirling.  I was really hoping to see that last one.

After watching the talent performances that made it to the finals, I think the talent rules for the Miss America Pageant should be changed.  The young lady representing her state should have a talent representative of that state.  That would give us a good variety of talent to watch in between the TV commercials and the producers’ futile attempts to generate interest and suspense.

For example, Missouri is the "Show Me State" so maybe Miss Missouri could show us something.  I am not suggesting a tasteful striptease act, the swimsuit competition came pretty close to that this year or maybe I'm just getting old. Maybe she could show us how to carve a raft out of some logs. Miss Florida might wrestle an alligator.  Miss Louisiana could call ducks and Miss Alaska spearing a salmon would hold my interest.  I bet Miss Kentucky could race a thoroughbred around that giant indoor arena. Miss Texas could do some rope tricks or a Dallas Cowboy cheer and Miss New York could recite the Dow Jones closing numbers.

If you are going to represent you state, then that is what you should do.  Besides, if Miss New York had done that, then Miss Texas would have won for sure.  Not that I am disappointed that Miss Texas didn’t win, although she should have, but then I am a Texan.

I have to remember the Miss America Pageant is a scholarship pageant.  All that parading around in bikinis while wearing high heels, swooping down the runway in mermaid gowns, and twirling, dancing, singing and fiddling is to demonstrate how smart they are and how deserving of a scholarship they are.

In the years since I last watched the Miss America Pageant, I think I have missed something and it wasn't just the Miss Congeniality Award. 

Miss America has come of age.  Congratulations Miss America, aka. Miss New York, Bollywood and all.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Senior Citizen Writes Country Western Song

By Jody Worsham                                      

All rights reserved for Video Music Awards appearance, and I mean “RESERVED”

Today, with Social Security and Medicare being what it is for us Senior Citizens, I have been considering  what my next career move is going to be in order to pay for Medicare Part D-Q.

As a kid growing up and listening to Porter Wagoner and the Wagonmasters on the radio at my grandparents’ house, it seemed all you needed to create a hit country western song was  to include a cup of coffee, a train whistling down a lonely track, rain, and a girlfriend who had left you.  Add a steel guitar and a singer who could sing through his nose and you were a hit.

That was it.  I am going to be a country western songwriter.  Now I know nobody rides the train anymore, more like airplanes or motorhomes and coffee can't be just coffee; it has to be Starbucks or something.   Rain is good and we need some.  Today a girlfriend dumping you is just a quick text message, and I haven't heard a steel guitar since, well Porter Wagoner.

I’ll have to take a different approach but still keep true to the country western roots, maybe just updating it to reflect our modern times.   I’ve got it.  I’ll write a modern country western song about family.  I’ll call it…

                                                       "I Am My Own Grandma!"

I gave you life; I raised you right
But all you did was party all night.
Now you're gone.  You took my truck.
You left us three kids and hound dog named Buck.
We adopted the kids in the pouring rain.
Our family tree is hard to explain.
Kids, your daddy is your daddy and that will always be
But he is also your brother, cause you're all adopted see?
And your cousins are now your uncles
and your Paw is well your Paw
And I guess that makes me my own GrandMaw!
Now get me a cup of coffee;
 Make that a mocha frappe and a straw.
Today I am your Mother, but yesterday I was your Grand Maw.

Chorus:  We are just your typical family.
With a twisted family tree.
If some branches get chopped, and others spliced, it's all the same to me.
Cause when your kid ignores the law,
You can become your own Grandmaw!

Now all I need is a singer with sinus problems and an electric guitar and Medicare Part H is covered.