Total Pageviews

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Cookie Monster Time!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved to pay off Girl Scout Collection Agency

In any other country if we saw little children peddling chocolate bars door to door so the band can march in the Miss Black Eyed Pea Festival, they would become the new poster child for ending child labor.

Selling products to make money for your child's school has somehow escaped the child labor laws of this country. How many times have we been met at the door by a big eyed waif and the bedraggled parent waving a catalogue of chocolate covered nuts, popcorn, gift boxes, and soap on a rope, all pictured in bright colors and ten times larger than the actual objects? And who wouldn't want to help the school band make it to the Black Eyed Pea Festival?

We never stop to ask and "What percentage of this outrageously priced chocolate bar actually goes to the Black Eyed Pea transportation fund and how much goes to pay for the CEO's condo in Maui?" But now I do.

One time I tried to figure how much the "proud partner with schools" corporation was making off the backs and strollers of school children and their parents. There is no minimum wage paid to the little sales people. The "sales force" is paid in glow-in-the-dark key chains, Frisbees, and stuffed animals, all made in a foreign country. And not every sales child gets one. Most have to sell a quadrillion items to qualify for the stuffed animal. Or, the latest ploy "every child who sells even one item has their name entered in an electronic drawing with the rest of the world for an AM hands-free radio." At least the Boy Scouts let you know up front what percentage of the popcorn sales is going to their troupe.

And now it is time for the annual Girl Scout Cookie Sale. I now understand why Sesame Street has a Cookie Monster. Must have missed the Girl Scout Cookie quota!

I am not surprised that in keeping with the shrinking dollar, so have the size of the cookies and the number of cookies in a package. Still, like eating turkey once a year at Thanksgiving, we will purchase our annual fix of Girl Scout Cookies if for no other reason than to help that little Brownie or Girl Scout earn her cookie badge and to try for the coveted "charm" for most cookie sales by a girl scout. Still, it makes you wonder how little Angelina Marie, age 6, could manage to sell 2,573 boxes of cookies all by herself and still go to school five days a week. Me thinks there may be family connections there, selling cookies on behalf of little Angelina Marie!

I know the rationale behind selling cookies: teaches confidence, business sense, advertising, teamwork, money management, targeting audience, tracking inventory, profit margin, but I believe I learned all that with my Kool-Aid stand and I only charged 5 cents a glass.

After applying all my business sense, figuring gas mileage, time spent, and interest paid on my Bass Pro Shop issued Visa credit card, I will come out ahead if I buy 8 cases of cookies myself. Then I can teach my Kool-Aid business skills to my ten-teen by setting her up a stand on the side of the road to peddle her Girl Scout cookies.

Course it will be just like the government to ask for a business license, health certificate, IRS WD 40 form, building inspection, and permit to operate a business in a residential area.

But I won't be guilty of violating child labor laws!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Books I Haven’t Written
By Jody Worsnam
All rights reserved to reserve all rights
In planning for the forthcoming Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop, I have become hyper motivated to the point that I have hurled myself into the book I haven’t written “Procrastination Can Wait Till Tomorrow.”
Not only that, I have twenty-one as yet unwritten sequels to follow. In no particular unfinished order they are:
“Laugh-er-cise”, Reduce stress, burn calories without breaking a sweat by reading this book.
“Laugh-a-robics”, for those needing a more intense workout for abdominal muscles than Laugh-er-cise”.
“Low Calorie Humor”, the premise is if you are laughing, you are not eating.
“Laughs for the Road”, a manual for avoiding road rage
“Traveling Down the Funny Highway”, especially written for those living in Arkansas and Louisiana
“Humor, Me” an autobiography written by my daughter.
“Granny Grins and Groans”, stories from my mother. What you thought that was me?
“Prime Timer Laughter”, stories to read when TV re-runs start, usually four weeks after the first episode.
“Senior Snickers”, a mystery book to determine who dun it.
“The Joy of Not Cooking”, a guide to the frozen and canned food section of major grocery chains.
“Drive by Laughter”, targeted for the ghetto neighborhood
“Drive Through Humor”, fast food that makes you laugh.
“Drive-In Funnies”, quick comebacks for when your order comes back wrong.
“Cooking and Other Humorous Events” Stories of when the cakes don’t rise, the soufflĂ© falls, and there’s no dough in the middle.
“Organized Humor”, stories catalogued for those wearing Depends, drinking hot coffee, coke, or stuck in boring meetings.
“Yunnf R sU”, humor for dyslexics.
“Humor-roids”, for people who would rather stand and laugh than sit and groan.

Hurry, these books won’t be on sale any time soon. Shipping and handling included.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

If China Owned U.S.

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for Chop Stick Lessons

With the impending bankruptcy of Hostess, another American icon slips from our grocery shelves and Indian owned convenience stores soon, no doubt, to be bought up by the Chinese to satisfy their yen for all things American. Twinkies, 100% unnatural preservatives and sugar could be replaced with a centuries old recipe of herbs, spices, and rice called Wing Ding Dongs.

This lead me to thinking of other American businesses and what would happen to those mainstay products of American life should the Chinese acquire them.

Would Kentucky Fried Chicken replace their grilled, original, crispy chicken with Chee Kin Don Wong?

Would ExLax become Ma-Ka-U-Go and Pepto Bismal become Ma-ka-U- No-Go?

If they bought out all the pedicure salons, would all pedicure franchises be sold by Mee Doo Toe?

I could see them consolidating Dish, Direct TV, and the cable companies into Moo Goo Fa U Brains.

McDonald's, being such an international company might keep its name, but the menu might feature the McChang Double Decker Duck Tongue and nobody would want to know the ingredients in the secret sauce.

Would Wal-Mart become The Great Wall- n-Cart?

Would UPS become U Pick-up Self or Unicycle Pick-up Service?

Would the American acronym CBS become the Chinese Buying System?

Once all businesses had become Chinese owned, might they then take on education and introduce their very successful program in mainland China, No Wok Left Behind?

I'm sure our government would bail out Hostess if they could get another loan from China.

In the meantime, I am going to do my part and support Hostess by scarfing down as many Twinkies, Snowballs, Wonder Bread, Ding Dongs, Mini-muffins, and cupcakes as my stretch jeans will allow! It's my American duty.

Saturday, January 7, 2012


By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for Splenda, Spanx, and stretch jeans!

"Hello, my name is Jody and I am F.F.A.A.T. (Fast Food Addicts Anonymous Tribunal). It has been one day, three hours, six minutes, and thirty-two…thirty-three….thirty-four seconds since I have been to McDonalds."

"Welcome, Jody. Have some seats. You can have the two chairs over here."

Yes, I admit I need help for my addiction. I recognized this when my husband opened our credit card statement and it was four pages long. Christmas took up a quarter of a page, Wal-Mart accounted for three-fourths of a page but the remaining three pages were to McDonald's. If McDonald's had not added their breakfast menu, free Wi-Fi, chocolate mocha frappes, and a store inside Wal-Mart, it would have only been two pages. If my addiction can be cured, our credit card balance will drop considerably along with my cholesterol levels and pants size.

So I have embraced the 366 steps (these are baby steps) toward being F.F.A.A.T. free. This is day one, or step one which is "Do not EAT in McDonald's." This morning I resisted and only ordered a diet coke. I could have not even gone into McDonald's but a dollar diet coke compared to $1.49 diet coke at the check-out stand made economic sense to me. Ok, I'm rationalizing. Back to step one. Baby steps, remember?

Now to make it through the next 365 steps and days. Why did this year have to be a leap year? I'll keep you posted. One day, three hours, seven minutes and fifteen…sixteen….seventeen seconds…