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Thursday, August 29, 2013

The Ice Age Cometh!

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for..wait, was that my cell phone?

I have declared today as Local Clean Out the Freezer Day. I think I have things in there left over from the first Ice Age.

With school starting on Monday I am in a frenzy to get all those jobs done that I was going to do all summer in the hopes that with school starting and me having six hours of uninterrupted thought patterns, I could get some writing done because I have to write and submit. My friend said so.

That is only going to happen if I accomplish those pesky household chores now. On the way to the laundry room with the first pile of laundry, I noticed my lonely i-pad on my desk. It is Hump Day, after all. Lots of e-mails on Hump Day. I better stop and check my humor groups on the I-pad. Laughing makes the trip to the laundry room more fun. Oh, there's the refrigerator and it IS Local Clean Out the Freezer Day. From the arctic depths of the refrigerator freezer, I can hear the "ping" of my i-pad. Better go back and check that to see if there is a response to ....anything.

After reading four more e-mails, squeezing out a damp mop in preparation for a "swipe and wipe" of the den floor, I reward myself with a quick glance at the lap top. Sometimes it gets things the i-pad doesn't, especially if I forget to recharge the i-pad. And there might be a link to something I'm missing.

To recap: It is 8:52. I got up at 6 a.m. I am still in my pj's. I have read five humor pieces, made six comments, walked the pile of dirty clothes to the laundry room (that's as far as I got), opened the freezer door observing the frozen wasteland, and have a damp-soon-to-be-dry mop leaning against the den wall. The kids and Dr. Hubby are down at the Trump Chicken Condos laying a brick floor in preparation for the arrival of 50 baby show chickens on Tuesday.

It's quiet now. Maybe I should take advantage of that. I made a pretty good start on the chores. I think I deserve some computer writing time. Now if I could just think of something to write about.

Dang, I forgot. It is Quilting Day down at the Center. If I can get dressed, find my quilting needles and thread, I will only be 30 minutes late.

I'll celebrate Local Clean Out the Freezer tomorrow. The ice should be melted by then.

Jody the Medicare Mom

Jody can be found most days observing household clutter, identifying archeological scrapings from burned dinners, watching damp mops dry and wondering why, like her friend Wanda, she never gets anything done.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Let's Hear It for the FAT Cells!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for fried foods everywhere

FAT!  We see it all the time, on the television, in the dieting aisles, walking down the beach, in the mirror.  We are bombarded with commercials selling the latest FAT reducing pills, drinks, rubs, wraps.  Skinny Minnies are effortlessly walking, climbing, lifting, twisting, or running on the latest torture contraptions released by the CIA.  These devices are guaranteed to give you washboard abs, a flat stomach, tight buttocks and endless trips to the chiropractor for twenty-four easy payments of $19.99 and a 300 calorie diet.  Our whole society has bought into the idea that FAT is BAD.

I am here to defend FAT.  Think about it.  In the culinary world fat makes the taste buds happy, happy, happy as Phil would say.  Without fat, potatoes would taste like library paste, Julia Childs couldn’t have named her book “The Joy of Cooking” and Paula Deen’s hair would have been too big for her body. Fat is to humans what a fur coat is to people in Miami.  It makes a statement.  It says “I have this and I am going to keep it whether you like it or not.”

Fat keeps whales from freezing in the Arctic waters.  Early man would have found himself unenlightened without bowls of fat to burn and shed light on his cave drawings.

Insurance companies should be giving discounts for an abundance of fat.  Statistics show that people with an ample supply of fat suffer fewer severe injuries from a fall than their skinny counterparts who are lacking in padding and are more likely to suffer broken bones.  Pirates carrying a hefty load of fat have also been known to survive longer on a deserted island than their thin shipmates.

In ancient economic systems, if you were worth your weight in gold, wouldn’t you like to be heavy on the scales?   It just might enable you to prevent foreclosure on that condo in Maui.

Without FAT our vocabulary and literature would be sadly lacking.  Who can forget fat lip, fat chance! fat bank account, padded expense account, padded cell, and padded seats?  Minnesota Fats, Fats Domino, Jabba the Hutt, the Hulk might never have made it into our literature and onto the silver screen had they been thin.

Great artists from the Renaissance and Baroque periods honored fat in their paintings and sculptures.  Fat happy cherubs adorn doorways and buildings.  Rotund and amply fed women were highly sought after as models.  A long legged, tall thin Barbie would never have made it as a model in those days.  Twiggy would have been passed over as ugly, unattractive, and definitely too thin.  No stick figures for the world’s greatest artists.

Therefore, let the world salute FAT!  May it keep us warm in winter, protect us when falling, bring us wealth when weighed, and sustain us when marooned on deserted islands.  We thank you for flavoring our food, our language, our literature, and our art.

Hippy!  Hippy!  Hooray for FAT!