tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44362638975039299692024-03-12T23:37:22.177-05:00The Medicare MomHaving a newborn and a three-year-old at age 61 gives new meaning to "Retired" as in "tired again." However, the laughs keep coming. My hands are full as my friends say, but they are full of laughter and joy and even fuller because the newborn is ten and the three-year-old is thirteen. grinsandgroans@yahoo.comJody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.comBlogger276125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-16997503095553737122018-09-12T16:22:00.002-05:002018-09-12T16:22:32.701-05:00Ode to the Insta-Pot<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">By Jody
Worsham, RIPFS, Recovering Insta Pot Fear Suffer-er</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Oh lovely
Insta-Pot standing regally on my granite countertop</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">How I once
pushed your buttons, then unplugged your cord… </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">fearful of
pressure unleashed, infinitely repeating.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Oft poking
you with a ten foot pole to vent your steam.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Who knew you
meant only to decrease my dependence on Taco Bell, McDonalds, Chicken Depressed</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Now that you
and your Insta-Pot customer Canadian representative have talked me through the
intricacies <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>of Insta-Potting,</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">I have
become one with the 6 quart…</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Because of
you, eggs no longer explode on the ceiling</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>from pots of boiled dry water left forgotten
on the stove.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Because of
you, roast is succulent, flavorful….and edible</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Because of
you, frozen chicken can still become chicken spaghetti in less than an hour</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Because of
you, hubby no longer enters and asks</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>“What smells?”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Because of
you, children enter our home and ask </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>“What smells good?”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">So All Hail
the Insta-Pot, shiny stainless gleaming from your throne.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Sorryful am
I to have ever doubted your magic.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">I am forever
your humble pot filler. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<br /></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-72352505018816524572016-09-23T11:31:00.000-05:002016-09-23T11:31:09.681-05:00A Quilter's Guide to Weight Loss
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">By Jody
Worsham</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">All rights
reserved for fabric and chocolate</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<br /></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Over the
years I have discovered that my closet, or possibly just those plastic hangers,
have caused by clothes to shrink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I approach middle age (assuming I will live to be 146) I have
come across a new weight loss program.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It involves
location, activity, and obsession. I shall explain. </span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There are
three reasons I overeat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Boredom,
boredom, and boredom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh and total lack
of interest in anything domestic, well except ironing and laundry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do like to do that. If you have read any of
my writings before, you know I come from a long line of non-cookers so eating food
was never a gastronomic highlight in my formative years. I ate food (mainly
sandwiches, hard to burn those) so I would not pass out or get a headache or
have my clothes fall off.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When I was
teaching theatre, raising six children, and putting in 18 hour days, overeating
was not an option, because a) there was never time, and b) with six children
groceries seldom lasted long enough to get from the car to the
pantry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that I have retired and with
only two additional children at home, there is a) more time between school
pick-up and drop off, b) food actually makes it to the pantry, and c) I do not
have four major productions a year to keep me out of the refrigerator and at
rehearsal. Hence BOREDOM.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I tried
substitute teaching and that helped but you can’t substitute teach every
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried “Sweating to the Oldies” at
home but I noticed no matter how many times I watched that video, nobody ever
lost any weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have even gone to
yoga classes and while I stretched every known and unknown muscle in my body, I
seemed to always reward myself for such a strenuous workout with a Big Mac and
ice cream.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Now my
Mother was excellent with making coconut pies, chocolate pies, and divinity
candy, but my doctor tells me you cannot live by sugar alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I beg to differ, she’s 96, but in my case my
waist line and my closet say my body is gaining weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
it has come to this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What can I do that
is fun, time consuming, produces a finished product, and does not encourage
hangers to shrink my clothes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Mother, was
an excellent seamstress and she did beautiful embroidery work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She taught me when I was very young.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother-in-law always had a quilt frame up
so I spent lots of time watching her quilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As I made my fourth trip to the refrigerator to check and make sure the
pie had not spoiled, it hit me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would
take up quilting…fun, time consuming, finished product, and no time for eating
(I get obsessive and can’t wait to see the finished product).</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We built our
house to accommodate eight people, not quilting, so my quilt frame has been in
several places.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried the living
room but Dr. Hubby kept running into it at night and company had a hard time
talking over an 8x10 foot frame in the middle of the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I moved to the play room but that is where
Dr. Hubby watches his westerns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
seen “The Rifleman’s” son go through puberty six times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only room left was the dining room, which
is only used twice a year because, well, the cooking thing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put the frame in the dining room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After several quilts and many years later, I noticed that those size ** plus pants that had moved to the far end of my closet, were creeping back to the "this fits" section. It couldn't be food, I still couldn't cook, It had to be inactivity. No matter how fast I stitched I was only moving my arms, I was still sitting. I was not about to quit quilting. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that is when I discovered the Quilters
Diet.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It is all about
location.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am already in the dining
room…quilt/food… full…, but here is the secret.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My dining room has three entrances, one leads to the hall, one to the
living room and one to the kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
quilt frame takes up 90% of the floor space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To get from one side of the frame to another, I have to go out the entry
way and back through the living room entrance or out the kitchen entrance and
circle around back through the living room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Plus, to get around the frame corners, I have to suck up those stomach
muscles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Depending on the size of the
quilt and the amount of quilting, and how many times I have to go back for thread, scissors, thimble etc. I can lose 3 lbs. to the quilt. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Weight
Watchers, Nutri-System, Jenny Craig, beware!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The “Quilters Diet” combines form, function, fun, a finished product and
lost poundage…ok and a dining room with three entrances and a little quilting obsessive compulsion. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> But hey, if it works...why not?</span></span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-2518146536155351792016-08-06T16:09:00.004-05:002016-08-06T16:26:28.481-05:00They Say They Come in Threes, Part IIIBy Jody Worsham<br />
All rights reserved for appliance graveyard<br />
<br />
I feel this has been the summer for electrical deaths. I don't mean the "struck by lightning" kind but those caused by...well...old circuits. First it was the washing machine and we all know how that went. I'm still hauling water from the sink to the washer just so there will be enough water to slosh around.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div>
Then there was the dishwasher, which was installed two days ago by the way. I'm still trying to figure it out. It is super quiet so you never hear it running. After four weeks of having the kids wash dishes, some of the forks have food permanently welded between the tines. The machine can clean it. But there is a problem. It seems Mr. Kilowatt has successfully lobbied for a minimum two hour wash cycle. To get the forks clean, I would have to use the sani-wash cycle which is nine hours. I could buy new forks for what it would take to pay for the electricity. After watching the blurr of the electric meter spinning out of control, Dr. Hubby suggested we go back to paper plates and cups. The little Maytag man was right. Our dishwasher is quiet...and sneaky...and expensive.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And bad news comes in threes. I think I told you our dyer was showing signs of depression what with the old washer and dishwasher gone. I am happy to say the dryer is still tumbling along. I think</div>
<div>
<div>
it may be in cahoots with the dishwasher though because it is taking three times as long to dry a load of clothes.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
The third in our trilogy of electronic failures is my computer. Maybe it was time. When I bought my computer, Windows 7 was brand new. And once I learned Windows 7 ( which took like a year). I saw no reason to upgrade. The Geek from the Geek Squad was amazed I had had it this long. He offered to transfer all my data...for a fee of course.<br />
<br />
"Why?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"Don't you want all your data on your new computer? Pictures? Bank records? Bill</div>
<br />
"No, don't have any of that on my computer."<br />
<br /></div>
"So what do you use your computer for?" he asked.
"Write blog stories but I have written copies of those...on paper...in a manilla folder...in a drawer...inside a metal file cabinet. And I look up math vocabulary so I can figure out what the eleven-year old is trying to do in 5th grade math...but his teacher asked me not to help him anymore."<br />
<br />
"So basically you just want a word processor that connects to the Internet."<br />
<br />
"Yes, unless you have a typewriter in the back room."<br />
<br />
"What's a typewriter?"
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<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A salesman, who obviously has a grandmother he adores, came to the aid of my sweating shaking Geek and said "I'll take it from here." He led me down an aisle of shiny new computers.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
"I like this blue one. Blue is my favorite color," I said encouragingly.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
"This black one is s better fit for you plus it will coordinate with your washer and match your dishwasher."</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Ah ha! He must have read my blog. A fan!</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sold!</div>
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Next time , making the hyper jump from Windows 7 to Windows 8</div>
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H</div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-36797590707890923232016-07-19T18:49:00.000-05:002016-07-19T18:49:06.193-05:00Sam-Song, Second Verse or What is Old is New Again<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham<br />
All rights reserved for retro-new appliances<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Maybe it is
because I have lost two major appliances (count them two) in the last two
months but I have begun to pay more attention to commercials on television,
especially appliance commercials.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My favorite,
and the one that makes me laugh the most, is the new Sam-Sung washer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a young (I wonder why they never use
granny types?) female (always) who seems to have effortlessly mastered the
electronic control panel at the top of the machine and has her wash vibrating
along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hubby comes in with a filthy
rag/jeans/blanket type thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No
problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll just open this little door
and add it to the wash,” she says confidently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“What, “questions the hubby?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
can add items once the machine has already started?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Yes, it is the new Sam Sung addition.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now folks,
especially those of you under the age of forty, this is not something new.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My kids have added things to the wash for
years and their daddy has the pink dyed underwear to prove it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not something new.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You just lift the lid to the old washing
machine and throw it in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the past I
have added that just found dirty sock to the rinse cycle once the wash cycle
has already finished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I have
added that hand washed delicate nightie to the spin cycle at the last
minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, you have to trick the
machine and push down the little do-hickey thing where the lid attaches but you
can do it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But even
before my washing machine, adding clothes to the wash was not something
new.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As long as there was room in the
wash pot, my grandmother would let you toss clothes in at the last minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She just threw another log under the pot and
punched a few minutes longer with her laundry stick. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I guess the
engineers at Same-Song never did laundry at their Granny’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or maybe they were desperate to make their
machine “different” from the others on the market.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or maybe they didn’t know how to write the
bi-ornery code with computer gig-a-bites to disengage the electronic code for
LIFT LID.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Same song,
second verse.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By the way my dryer is taking twice as long to dry
clothes these days; depression I imagine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My grandson
offered to get me a new solar dryer he saw advertised on PBS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For $19.99 plus shipping and handling you get
25 feet of hemp rope, and 44 wooden spring loaded clamps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Poles sold separately.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Same song,
third verse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-89319148063593114822016-07-13T08:22:00.002-05:002016-07-17T20:22:13.913-05:00The Secrete Life and Death of Appliances<span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">By Jody
Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">All rights
reserved for the movie</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">What is it
about appliances that when one dies, the others join in?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do they have some kind of electromagnetic
suicide pack that they all agree to in the factory?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are they mechanically joined at the plug at
birth so that when one goes, the other follows?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is there a master engineer/financial mass controller that manipulates
each appliance so that just as income marginally exceeds the outgo, another
appliance bites the dust?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Whatever the
cause, our dishwasher has joined our washing machine in that great dump yard in
the sky; (well, except our appliances never make it to the dump ground, spare
parts you know, unless you consider our barn a dump…which I do.) <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">So it was
off to the big box store with hubby and two kids in tow to replace “Blacky”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, we have integrated appliances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Black out! Black out!” I yelled as we entered the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Everyone looked at the still burning ceiling fixtures</span>. “I mean my black dishwasher is out. I need a replacement NOW.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fortunately one of my former students was
working in the appliance department that day and was an authority on
cross-brain functions of retired teachers and was fluent in Worsham.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Refrigerator, </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12pt;">dryer, or dishwasher?” she
asked.</span><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12pt;">“Dishwasher,” I replied, relieved.
She led us to two long rows of dishwashers.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">You would
think after recently purchasing a new washing machine that I would be prepared
for the unlimited combinations and the lack of simplicity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was as if all appliances had been prepared according to E=MC 2, Mrs. Einstein’s
theory, every appliance equals Many Controls not 2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was quick wash, sani-wash, short wash, long
wash, delayed wash, energy wash, rinse only, sense wash, wash and hold, hold
and wash, rinse and wash, hot dry, cool dry, energy saving dry, blow dry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were dishwashers with controls on the
door, controls hidden in the top of the door, controls with knobs, buttons,
even touch pads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only think simple
was color choice:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>stainless, black, or
white.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">As I walked
down aisle one trying to make a logical decision, the eleven-year-old became
bored.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being the creative child he is,
he found a way to entertain himself and the crowd that had gathered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I turned down aisle two, between the GE
dishwasher and the Whirlpool was an empty cavity where a dishwasher had
been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My eleven-year-old had folded
himself into the cavity and was doing his impression of the Maytag Guy, happily
gathering into his arms the McDonald’s cups, straws, and McFlurry spoons the
teenager was feeding him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time to place
an order.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Used to you
could go to a hardware store, pick out an appliance and it would be loaded onto
your truck right then. Today everything has to be ordered from the distribution
center, then back ordered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It will take
four weeks to get the black model or eight days for the stainless steel model.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After 53 years of marriage, all my kitchen
appliances finally match. I can’t start over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Order the black model,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">We arrived home
with an empty truck bed to a kitchen sink full of dishes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What do we do now?” Generation X children
asked. “We wash and dry,” I said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“By hand?” came their astonished question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Yes, by hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very versatile, hands, they’re not just for
video games and I-phones anymore.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The children
joyfully took to the task.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, I upped
their allowance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew we had to wash
fast or even money would not keep the teenager motivated. I washed, the
eleven-year-old rinsed, the teenager dried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I grabbed stacks of dishes and tried to keep the conversation
going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After 10 minutes of continuous
washing, the teenager was becoming cranky, so was I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“When are we going to be through?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Well, if you wouldn’t get a clean glass
every time you wanted a drink there wouldn’t be so many dishes.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’ve dried this same glass five times.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No, we do have some glasses that match, it
is not the same glass;” then I reached for a stack of dishes to her left.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Mama,” this from the Maytag audition-ee “
you are washing the clean dishes over and over.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had failed to be very
specific to the teenager.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had said “dry”,
but failed to add “and put away” so as she dried and stacked, I moved the stack
and washed…again. Dishwashers aren’t the only thing that wears <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>with age. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We laughed…a lot.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Washing
dishes together has not been all bad. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We take turns washing, drying, putting away.
We talk. We listen. We got smarter (paper plates, plastic cups).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Work goes faster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the new dishwasher arrives, dishes will
be quickly loaded, a button pushed, and we will retreat back to video games, I-phones,
and TVs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I will miss
that time we had at the sink.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will not miss the dried pasta in the
pans, the soapy taste of unrinsed coffee cups, the mystery substance between
the fork tines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I should have gone
with the stainless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It could have been
here in eight days.<o:p></o:p></span></span>Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-67402538423410176282016-06-24T12:20:00.000-05:002016-06-24T12:20:23.970-05:00Are You Smarter than a Washing Machine?<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights
reserved for agitation<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Whitey had
served us well, longer than most of her kind; but I knew the end was near.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She no longer could do her job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were tell-tale signs of wear, grinding
noises when she turned around, failure to complete the job, leaks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t think I could ever find a
replacement for Whitey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was simple,
easy to operate, and could handle her loads large or small, but when the sales
flyer arrived in the mail, I knew it was time to let her go.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">On the
second page, there staring me right in the credit card, was Whitey II, same
number of knobs, top loading, white, and an agitator, smaller but then the
first <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whitey was really ahead of her
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr. Hubby brought in the dolly,
disconnected Whitey and hauled her to the barn while I raced off to the big box
store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess he thought it would be
too painful for me to watch or he was just anxious to have some clean
underwear.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I arrived
breathless at the store, credit card in one hand, sale flyer in the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I need a Whitey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where is the Whitey?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The salesman glanced at a box of Kleenex, the
mega stack of toilet paper next to the register, then pointed to the
restroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The white washing machine
with the three knobs,” I said pointing to the picture in the flyer and speaking
very slowly and distinctly in case he was hard of hearing or had just arrived in
America.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He led the way to a row of
washing machines but I noticed he kept the row of machines between himself and
me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“No, this is
not the one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This one has six knobs,
sensing, wash type, lock, weight, fabric type, detergent HD, non-HD,
rinse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want three knobs.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He backed away
from the washer he was standing in front of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“No, this
one has the three knobs but (I raised the lid) it doesn’t have an agitator.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“How long
has it been since you bought a washing machine?” he asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was glad
he could speak and in English so I gave him the long service history of Whitey,
including all the times I had dyed fabric for plays in her, and the times I had
to bleach Dr. Hubby’s pink underwear because had forgotten to rinse out the tub
after a red curtain dye job.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Ma’am (he
was speaking loudly going into his Senior Citizen mode) they haven’t made a
machine like that in years.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I know,” I
said proudly, “she’s one of a kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was looking for this particular model.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Here it
is.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I looked at
the machine, three knobs, ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Where is
the water level knob?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“There isn’t
one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It weighs the fabric. There is a
computer that tells you how much water to use.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“But I don’t
want it to tell me how much water to use.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know how much water to use.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have been washing clothes for 65 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And where is the agitator?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Most models
today do not have an agitator. “<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“So what
makes the clothes go swish swish?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
looked around for one of those hidden cameras like they use on those TV shows
like Practical Jokers or America’s Funniest Home Videos or maybe this guy had
parked his alien space ship behind the counter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not waiting for an answer I continued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“You mean to tell me that there is not a single washing machine in this
store that has an agitator and three knobs?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He walked to
the far end of the row of machines, pointed to one, and stepped back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Agitator, three knobs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the best I can do lady.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had gone from “Senior Citizen” mode to “Whack-o
Old Lady” mode.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I
looked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It did have an agitator, a small
one, and it did have three knobs which I guess was as close as I was going to
get Whitey, even though not one single knob said “Water Level”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The next day
Dr. Hubby had the Whitey imposter installed in the laundry room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I noticed for the first time that my laundry detergent
of many years now had a sticker that said “HD for all types of machines.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Humph, we’ll see” I thought. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Knob #1<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soil level:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>light (ha, we live on red clay) medium, heavy<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Knob #2<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wash Temperature:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cold, cool darks (what the computer has eyes
to see color?) cool lights, warm, hot<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Knob #3<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Multiple Guess:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soak, deep wash, heavy duty, normal (ha!)
casual (this machine can sense style?) delicates, rinse/spin, clean washer,
drain/spin<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">After ten
days, 89 loads, lifting the lid at every possible stage, and trying every
conceivable combination of Knobs #1, #2, #3 to get enough water to cover the
laundry, I took matters into my own hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I got two quart bottles, filled them with water and rocks, screwed on
the lids tightly and tossed them in with every load of laundry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The machine weighed the “clothes” and filled
the wash tub with enough water to wash the clothes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yes. I am
smarter than a washing machine.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-26595279980619890682015-08-23T20:39:00.000-05:002015-08-23T20:39:04.407-05:00The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!<br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">By Jody
Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">All rights
reserved for the Happy Dance!<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I have
experienced this euphoria on the eve of the most wonderful time of the year
before, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but like hot dogs on the Fourth
of July and turkey on Thanksgiving, it is an annual thing.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I passed
through the school supply aisles at Wal-Mart this morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The scent of glue sticks, crayons, and pink
rubber erasers filled the air creating a sense of euphoria and hope in this
full time Medicare Mom.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Bins were
brimming with yellow #2 pencils, brightly colored pencil sharpeners, and
scissors of all kinds:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>blunt, pointy, lefties,
righties, plastic and metal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bottles of
Elmer’s Glue in all sizes were stacked to the very edge of the shelves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was becoming light headed and giddy.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Ring binders
were lined up and standing like sentinels awaiting assignments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The end caps were being stacked head high
with notebook paper:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>wide rule, college
rule, no rule.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eight colors of folders
with or without pockets, with or without brads, plastic or paper glistened like
a long awaited rainbow offering hope after 40 days and 40 nights of no school.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I rounded
the corner and actually swooned at the sight of cartons of kleenex tissue,
paper towels, zip lock plastic bags, and bottles of hand sanitizers filling the
aisles as they awaited their turn to be placed on the school supply shelves.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I bought two
boxes of crayons and two pencil boxes; then plastic pocket folders in every
color, scissors, notebook paper, glue sticks and bottles, a ruler just in case,
and four spiral note books.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got two
lunch kits, two thermos bottles and 150 plastic sandwich bags. It was glorious!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">As I rounded
the corner heading for the check-out line, I burst into song “It’s the most
wonderful time of the year. “ School bells are ringing and children are
screaming and parents are grinning ear to ear!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t help myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a racehorse with the finish line in
sight, a marathon runner seeing the last mile marker, the exit ramp on the
freeway with no cars in sight. I was about to be home free.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>School
starts in 16 days, 6 hours, 28 minutes, 12 seconds…11 seconds…10…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will not think that it is only 90 days
until Thanksgiving break when school is out for nine and a half days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like Scarlet,” I will think about that
tomorrow.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But for now…</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">“It’s the
most wonderful time of the year!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-3624693416378000762015-07-10T08:27:00.002-05:002015-07-10T08:27:29.942-05:00"Shut Up and Dance!"<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">By Jody Worsham<br />
All rights reserved for Arthur Murray lessons<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Harrington; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Being senior parents of a fourteen-year-old and a ten-year
old, the timing is off for some types of activities, skydiving, playing catch
for more than five minutes, snow skiing, or staying up past eight o’clock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our social gatherings seldom included
children unless grandchildren happen to be visiting our friends at the
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when we were invited to a wedding,
we took advantage of it, especially when we were promised other children would
be there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It occurred to me that our
children had never been to a wedding of any kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time to expand their world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This was to be a Catholic wedding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had never attended a Catholic wedding
myself, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but I had friends who had so I
knew it was going to be much longer than the usual twenty minute Protestant “I
Love You Truly”, repeat after me, “I now pronounce you man and wife” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ceremony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I tried to prepare everyone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The ten-year-old was cool with the length until I
told him he could not take his I-pod, DS Nintendo, or I-phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promised him there would be lots of
standing and kneeling so he wouldn’t be just sitting the whole time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The kneeling part made Dr. Hubby wince.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After explaining that Miss Me jeans would not
be appropriate for a formal wedding even if they were covered with bling, I
promised to take the fourteen-year-old shopping for a dress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately I used the word “appropriate”
before the word “dress” which immediately triggered an episode of eye rolling. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The day of the wedding arrived and we made it through
the ceremony with a minimum of wiggling, wincing, and watch checking (on the
part of Dr. Hubby); then it was off to the reception and party time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The food was delicious and the band was
great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the children’s plates loaded
with groom’s cake, wedding cake, chocolate covered strawberries, chicken,
cheese squares, and an ample supply of punch, we were free to dance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The DJ had asked for all couples to come to
the dance floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The slow music began
and after a minute the DJ. said:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Now it is time for all unmarried couples to leave
the floor.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That cleared out all the
bridesmaids and groomsmen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you have been married less than three hours,
please leave the floor.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That got the
bride and groom off the dance floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you have been married less than ten years, you
may leave the floor.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That took out four
or five couples. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The music continued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr. Hubby stepped on my toe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Couples married less than twenty-five years, may
sit down.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How long is this song? I
wondered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Married less than thirty years, time to sit down.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That sent the bride’s parents to their table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That trumpet player sounded a little winded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you have been married forty years or less, I
know you will be glad to leave the floor. There are only four couples left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The drummer dropped his sticks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr.
Hubby stepped on my other toe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you have made it to forty-five years or less of
marriage, you may sit down.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That took
out everybody but that elderly couple and us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think I am getting a leg cramp.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you have been married fifty years or less, God bless
you and sit down.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The elderly couple
sat down leaving us alone on the floor, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From the time
I was sixteen, I had dreamed of this moment…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>American Bandstand and the Spotlight Dance!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dr. Hubby held me close and whispered “I’ve got to
sit down.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I whispered back “Shut up and Dance!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-36139056326301411252015-06-18T12:42:00.000-05:002015-06-18T12:42:26.493-05:00Falling Apart is Normal or Old Blind Mice Declared Normal
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights
reserved for Bionic Restoration<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Recently I
went in for my annual eye exam.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t
want to but there was this tiny black Roshak ink blot that kept floating across
my eyeball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the numbers on the wall
calendar were suddenly all double digits plus I was having trouble seeing the
guide on our 55 inch TV screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then
there were the text messages that I had to have the ten-year-old read to me if
I couldn’t find my Dollar Tree glasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe the eye exam was needed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I arrived
for my appointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was greeted and asked
to verify my birthdate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I noticed this
time the receptionist omitted saying the year aloud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess when she saw the year and looked at
me, there was no doubt.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then it was
off to exam room number 1 or it might have been exam room number 11.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t have my readers on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Stare at
this light, don’t move your eyes.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Which line on the eye chart can you read?”
Well, first I had to locate the wall containing the eyechart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I assumed it was the wall opposite me with
the white rectangle must be the eye chart to which she was referring, but how
was I supposed to read any letters with these black/blue sun spots from her flashlight
swimming around in my eyes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just smiled
and picked a line with an equal number of dots and with the least number of sun
spots on it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Using my
great powers of deduction, I guessed that if the letter looked like a donut it
was an O, D, P, Q, or G.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That gave me a
5 in 26 chance of getting it right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of
course the odds changed significantly if the dot looked like some Pick-up
Sticks thrown on the wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That could be
an A, B, C, E, F, H, I, K, M, N, R, T, V, W, X, Y, or Z. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then it was “Does
it look better number three or number four?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She skipped right over one and two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ok, nobody defined “better”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes
three was darker than then four and stood out more, but four had more space
between the dot/blobs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guessed three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That must have been the wrong number because
she then progressed to “Better seven or eight?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What happened to five and six?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Five and six might have been the right number.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Better eight or nine?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Better ten or fourteen?” “Better 16 or 39?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I glanced over to make sure she was still
checking my eyes and not picking her lottery numbers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Tell me
when you can’t read the letters.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Now.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">After
clicking the little dials for five minutes and not finding the psysic radio
station and after selecting all the numbers she needed for the Power Ball, she
said “Alright, any questions?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Uh,
yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What about seeing double letters?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“That is
normal.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I have
trouble seeing the guide on our 200 inch TV screen.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“That’s
normal.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I can read
the highway signs but not the speedometer.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“That’s
normal. You do have the beginnings of cataracts but that is normal for your age.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ok, Dr.
Hubby thinks I’m blind as those mice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
see blue circles and double digits, have floating sun spots, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>can’t see the TV guide, text messages look
like donuts and Pick-up Sticks, and I have the beginnings of cataracts but I am
normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Next week it
is the dermatologist, the dentist, and the orthopedic specialist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dang! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> What if they say I am normal? </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Normal ain’t
what it used to be!<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-22608533148180744052015-06-08T13:09:00.000-05:002015-06-08T13:26:42.985-05:00Does Your Bladder Hang Low?<div>
<br /></div>
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Ok, I remember that point in the mother -daughter relationship when I did not want to go home anymore not because I didn't love my family but because of the hot topics of conversation. The first thing Mother greeted me with was "Well Ethelene died last week. She was only 98. She looked real good in the casket only I don't know why her family chose<br />
<span style="line-height: 1.22em;">green satin for the casket lining. With that red dress made her look like a tomato". She continued to rattle on about all the recently dead relatives that I never knew even when they were alive. This was usually followed by an audio recanting of the entire obituary column from the local paper since my last visit.</span><br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
With all the recent dead buried she would then begin to review her every bodily function and malfunction since my last visit. This has continued to the present. At 95, she calls my sister every day to give her the latest report on the whereabouts of the hot dog and lemondade she had for lunch. She would call me except I have caller ID.<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
And now my friends have joined in on the "What's My Body Doing Now" program. My neighbor reported that she fell backwards off the porch. Ok, that's bad so I said "Hope you are ok." Wrong thing to say.<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
"Well, I didn't break anything but I did feel something fall out." The mental image of all that could possibly "fall out" was searing my brain. Before I could formulate "Glad you are ok now" she went into total My Mother auto load and rewind.<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
"I went to the doctor. He said 'You knocked your bladder out. You want to see?' And he whipped out a mirror and sure enough there was this little red ball thing hanging out my..."<br />
<br />
"Was that the tornado siren?" I hopefully asked.<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
"I don't think so. Anyway, he told me he could reattach it next week at no charge if I agreed<br />
<br />
to let them film the procedure for some television documentary.."<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
My brain was short circuiting like a TV with an antennae in a hurricane. I think I blacked out. I hope I did.<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
"Anyway, I said no, because I didn't want to take a chance on becoming one of those reality TV stars what with my spastic colon and all so I decided to take therapy instead to, you know, strengthen those muscles attached to..."<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
I began bargaining with God, promising to work with the Lepers or at least send them a check if He would just make it stop.<br />
<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
Mercifully He answered. Everyone's I-phone weather tornado alert sounded and we headed for shelter.<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
As I was sitting in the basement a variation of an old childhood song was playing in my head and I began to sing softly.<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
"Does your bladder hang low? Does it wobble to and fro? Can you tie it in a knot? Can you tie it in a bow? Can you throw it o're you thigh but still look me in the eye? Does you bladder hang low?"<br />
<br style="line-height: 1.22em;" />
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Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-30899294743189493662015-05-16T09:23:00.000-05:002015-05-16T09:31:36.738-05:00Neutrons, Protons...and Morons! <span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">By Jody Worsham<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">All rights reserved for Boomerang Science
Project<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As a teacher I was accustomed to students
asking “When will I ever use this?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
even asked the same question as a fifth grader.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Miss West, why do I have to learn the parts of an atom?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am never going to need this.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You’ll thank me one day young lady, now
finish the project.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I silently
thought “Not in a million years.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I reluctantly went back to punching holes in
ping pong balls, then gluing them onto wire and securing the wire onto the
bulletin board.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My protons and neutrons
were colored cotton balls glued to the center creating the nucleus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was an impressive three dimensional
representation of an atom on a three by twelve foot bulletin board complete
with labels and assorted blurbs of atomic trivia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the project was finished and I received
my A, I filed away the experience in a remote part of my brain reserved for
totally useless information and experiences.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Fast forward through 39 years of teaching, bringing
up six children through high school and college, and never once having to
access that part of my brain. ..until this past weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thirteen-year-old came home and announced
“I have to do a project over the atom.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">They say a traumatic experience will cause
your life to flash before your eyes in an instant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this case, and at my age, it took about
ten minutes to rewind to Miss West’s fifth grade science class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Ok,” I said shakily, “when is it due?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I don’t know.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Well, where are the instructions?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blank stare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“The sheet that has the requirements?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Continued blank stare.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now any of you who have reared children to
adulthood know of what I speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Somewhere in the midst of junior high and hormone high, the future
Presidents of the United States turn into <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>brainless-I-can’t-remember-any-thing-except-the
hottest-300-rock-stars-and-the-lyrics-to-every-song-they-ever-wrote person
thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I located the instructions in the third trash
can I went through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey, I couldn’t have
the “Presidential Memoirs”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>revealing how
I allowed the potential President of the United States to fail 8<sup>th</sup>
grade science due to a hormonal imbalance of the brain could I?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Like an amnesia victim, there were bits and
pieces flashing through forgotten recesses of my brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Proton?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Neutron?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moron?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of moron wants you to build a 3ft
by 12 foot atom?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No wait, wrong century,
right brain cavity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thanks to Google and
copious cups of coffee, the project began to take shape in my brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No bulletin board this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A simple Aluminum atom, atomic number 13 on
the Periodic Table of Elements made out of Rice Kirspies and jelly beans!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I gathered the supplies while the teenager, BeatsSolo2 clamped and
booming in her ears, googled the information for her report.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Let’s use food coloring to differentiate the
valance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Black jelly beans can be the electrons
and you choose 13 proton jelly beans and 14 different colored jelly beans for
the neutrons in the center.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Pretty cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>An edible science project.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The Rice Krispy aluminum atom model made it
to school unscathed and uneaten and on time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When the thirteen-year-old returned I asked how it went.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I made a 95. Everybody liked my project.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They were starving. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you
know so much about atoms, Mom? ”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You’d be surprised!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Segoe UI Semibold","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ok, and it didn't take a million years, only 61...and thank you, Miss West. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-24562281612271873502015-05-04T10:15:00.000-05:002015-05-04T10:15:04.012-05:00Where are My Peeps?
<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights
reserved for F.B.I. (Friends By Internet)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are
probably thinking “Well, Jody, Easter is over and the blue rabbits, yellow chicks,
and assorted colored globs of mystery flavored goo have returned to the freezer,
the one reserved for sugar coated foam bits.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I am not talking about those kinds of Peeps. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m talking about my peeps, the ones I met
through the internet, my Net Wits, my Humor Writers, my Southern Humorists, my
blog commenters, the ones who were there for me when I had those 2 a.m.
feedings, the ones who were always up and ready to e-mail regardless of the
time zone, the ones who guided me through potty training, I-phones, computer
software crashes, magazine rejections, and the birth of my only book.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss the exchange of what contests are where
and link to enter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss the critiques
you would give on my writing attempts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
miss the sharp repartee that would send my brain into that humor writing zone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss the hyperventilating laughter you
cause when I click on my e-mail each morning. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss knowing what everyone is working on,
trying to work on, or never want to work on again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Has the
laundry piled up so deep that your computer overheated?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Are you over
scheduled with podcasts, radio spots, and book tours?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Are you
trying to lose 20 pounds before your Oprah TV debut?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Did you win
the lottery?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Did you find
another source of inspiration, stimulation, and feedback?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tell me, I want to go there, too.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Have you
gone back to china plates and now have to actually wash the dishes?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Are you in
the throes of potty training kids, puppies, or senior citizens?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Are you
snowed in, waterlogged, or in the Bahamas?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Have you
contracted fingernail fungus thus unable to type?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Have you
fractured your funny bone?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Has
everything funny been written?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I PROMISE I
will not ask you to buy my book, send me money, or give your e-mail address to
the Home Shopping Network.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I miss my
funny Peeps.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-38351161432652748062015-04-22T19:51:00.000-05:002015-04-22T19:51:21.615-05:00"McFarland, USA" a Review and a Wish<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights reserved
for writing lessons and lessons learned<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If you have
not yet seen the Disney movie “McFarland” do not read any further.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have, read on.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If an
exceptional movie is based on telling a story that loops through your brain night
and day, makes you laugh and cry<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>at the
same time, and finds you thinking, thinking, and still thinking weeks after
seeing the movie, then “McFarland” is that kind of movie.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This movie
spoke to me on so many levels.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As a Caucasian
, I identified with Coach White on his first day in town when he and his family
were leaving the restaurant and a group of cars with Latino males drove
up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a teenager I remember walking
around the block to keep from having to walk in front of a store where several
teenage Latino boys were leaning against the storefront windows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They spoke a language I did not understand
and that frightened me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Diaz
boys were on the bleachers just before school was out when their Mama pulled up
in a truck to pick them up before class was over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Coach White told the boys to stay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“That’s our Mama” the boys said as they
left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Tell your Mama she can
wait.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The boys laughed and said “You
tell her that” and they jumped in the truck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Family over school.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">That first
team worked in the fields starting at 4:30 a.m. as pickers before school and
after school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it was time for
school Mama Diaz called out “Run to school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Show respect to your teachers.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Respect, always. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When the
cross country team had their first match, a white team member from another
school commented “I’ve never seen a Mexican run unless a cop was behind him or
a Taco Bell was in front.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>McFarland’s
team did not respond with anger or hatred; no response was necessary or would have
changed anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Running the race was
the challenge. When McFarland won their first match, the team immediately knelt
in prayer and thanksgiving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God first. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mr. White
was known as White or Blanco to his team until the morning he showed up at 4:30
a.m. to work in the fields alongside his team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The boys told him to bend his knees to save his back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They shared their lunch with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he couldn’t work any longer, they had
him lay down and worked on his back to relieve the pain. He was soon
Coach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No judgment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No ridicule.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only encouragement
and acceptance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Coach White
got the team shoes for their next race.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mama Diaz and the other ladies were organizing a tamale sale to raise
money for the team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Why you buy the
boys cheap shoes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t think they
deserve good shoes?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being poor is an
economic state, not a measurement of value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That kept me thinking for a couple of days.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There were
so many other incidents in this movie that had my brain thinking all night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As a writer,
I appreciate the script for this movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It presented so many lessons that sneak up on you in retrospect. It
struck common chords in us as human beings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mama Diaz pulling her son off the top bunk by his shirt for breakfast
had me laughing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Coach White receiving
the phone call that strikes ice in the veins of any parent whose child is out
with other kids at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No words,
silence then “We’ll be right there.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
the car only murmurings “Please God, no. Please God, no.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deafening chords of silence resonating within
all parents. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All this without a curse
word.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The cinematography
and screen writing was so subtle yet powerful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In one scene the track team runs down along the fence line of the nearby
prison before turning a corner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
white car pulling out and blocking the quincenera parade and then cutting away
to the phone call to Coach White.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
the next picture of the ambulance, the police lights, the firemen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without showing me any of the graphic
details, I shuddered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next picture
is the store owner hosing down the parking lot in front of his store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such a picture!<br />
<br />
“McFarland” was never just about a cross country track team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was never about just getting out of
poverty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is about character and
discovering who you really are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a
journey that simply continued for the Dias boys but along another path provided
by Coach White.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For Thomas, it was a chance to make a
difference in lives similar yet different from his own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Victor made his choices and used that
experience in his life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For Coach White
it was seeing through different eyes, the same things we all value, the
importance below the surface.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">With the
exception of Thomas, that first track team still lives in McFarland along with
Coach White.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They still run with and
encourage McFarland’s cross country team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was never about escaping from McFarland; it was always about God,
family, respect for themselves and each other and home…..wherever that may be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-7544464581386913402015-04-02T14:52:00.000-05:002015-04-02T14:52:03.623-05:00"No Thanks, I prefer Alpo!"<span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody Worsham<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights reserved for Canine Thesaurus</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mark Berryman wrote about a device being developed by the
Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery (NCID).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Developer Eric Calderon claims to be able to
record your dog’s thoughts and translate them into words. Fluctuations in dog
brain electrical signals are picked up by a microcomputer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So far they have detected patterns for “I‘m
hungry, I’m tired, I want to pee.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now I would be the last to burst somebody’s NCID icicle,
but I think they may be suffering from a little brain frostbite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dogs have been communicating that information
for hundreds of years and without wearing a doggie head set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they are chewing on your hand, your shoes,
pawing at the refrigerator door, they are hungry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they are stretched out in front of the
fireplace, draped across the door steps, eyes closed, they are tired or dead.
Not too hard to tell which it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suspicious
puddles, wet spots on the carpet, or crossed legs with severe whimpering are a
dead give-away that there is a doggie bladder in distress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is also an indication that you have a
toddler or senior citizen in the house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now I am not saying Roy Roger’s dog Bullet or RinTinTin<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>wouldn’t have something worthwhile to say if
they have been on the trail of the bad guys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And maybe it would be useful to the CIA if super spy lap-dogs could
relay sensitive information, but they would need some really smart dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have just ordinary yard dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure they even have brains. The other
day I was sitting on the porch watching them in the yard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even without this cutting edge technology, I knew
what they were thinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gypsy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does my
tail make my butt look big?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Rover:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just a minute,
I’ll check.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gypsy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whoa, your
nose is cold.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Rover:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gypsy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does my
butt smell like other dog butts?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Rover: I’ll have to compare and get back to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gypsy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forget it,
I’ll check mine myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nope, don’t
smell a thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Rover: How about mine?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gypsy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might
want to do a little grass wiping.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Rover:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Check.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doing it now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Maybe the Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery
should focus their efforts on reading the brain patterns of our
politicians; that's assuming, of course, they have brains. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The microcomputer could put
their thoughts into categories:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I
am supposed to think, what I really think, what I was told to think and I have
no thoughts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the meantime, “Gypsy, Rover, keep your noses out of other doggies' business and I don’t care what you
say, no Alpo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s leftovers or go catch
a rabbit.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-38419613249338229742015-03-22T19:34:00.000-05:002015-03-22T20:24:29.921-05:00Shih Tzu + Maltese = ??? <br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">By Jody Worsham<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">All rights reserved for new breed<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I have had this talk with Miss Tia Mia before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her that if she didn’t want to sit at the
Wal-Mart parking lot with me again peddling illegitimate pups, she had better
behave herself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought she
understood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not count on male perseverance,
the strong sense of procreation, and the tiny body hidden beneath a mound of
fluffy hair that enabled this determined male Maltese to slink between the
slates of a very sturdy picket fence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When I discovered their indiscretion, I noted the
date on the calendar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are pro puppy,
after all. She gained the usual puppy pregnancy weight but this time was
different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would just lay around and only
cut those shaggy eyes up when I walked by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Guilt, I’m sure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sixty-one
days came and went.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No puppies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No digging in the closet for a maternity
ward. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No eating binges or lack of
eating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just a lot of whimpering, heavy
breathing, and a strong need to be held by Dr. Hubby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was worried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At 66 days she was way overdue so it was off
to the vet for x-rays. The vet asked how many days and I told her 66.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“66 days from the last encounter?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Uh, no from the first encounter.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, you have to count approximately 62 days from
the last encounter.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh,” and I glared at Miss Tia as if I could possibly
make her feel more miserable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Yes, there
are five puppies in there and yes they could arrive within the next three days
and yes that will be $130 please.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And yes she had the first one two hours after we
arrived home, not in the nicely prepared birthing box I had for her, but on the
bottom book shelf on top of Hubby’s t-shirts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>By morning all five puppies had arrived. Now how to market them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My niece said to advertise them as “Designer Pups”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, Designer Pups, but they needed a cute
name like those Peek-a-Poos to reflect their heritage, a Shih Tzu mama and a
Maltese daddy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would that make them Shih-
Tese? Tzu-Malts? Tzu-Tese?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shih-Malt-Tzu-ese?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mal- Shihs? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>None of
those sounded very “designer-ey”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
was not looking good for the Wal-Mart Parking Lot Puppy Sale.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Six weeks flew by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I put an ad in our local e-trade newspaper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I simply said Shih Tzu/Maltese puppies, shots
and wormed, six weeks old, $200<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A week later
and we had sold two and given one to my oldest daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By now the nine-year-old and the thirteen-year-old
had named the two remaining “designer pups”…Tatter Tot and Two-Spot-the-Runt,
not exactly the kind of names that would generate big bucks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<img src="webkit-fake-url://4aeec34b-632a-47a7-944f-5edbda27edda/imagejpeg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Then the oldest daughter got a promotion at work
which meant traveling so her puppy came back to our house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should have named her Boomerang but she only
stayed a day. She was sold the next day to a nice family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Spring Break and Tatter Tot and Two-Spot-the-Runt
went to the RV park with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was my
lot to walk the two puppies around the RV park while Dr. Hubby walked Miss Tia
in the opposite direction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure he
was thinking somebody in one of those half-million dollar motor homes would
like a Designer Puppy to go along with the other dogs they had. One lady did
stop me and ask the price of Tatter Tot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Without twitching an eyelash, I said “$1600.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, I had become attached to the little
thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the price doubled when asked
about Two-Spot-the-Runt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well he’s
little and fluffy and would have gotten lost in a big old motor coach.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Have any luck while you were walking the pups,”
asked Dr. Hubby.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Some, but I think the price put them off.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I have since received at least fifteen calls from
people wanting a Shih Tzu/Maltese puppy. I told them I did not have any more
for sale and that is the truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have two very
special unique puppies valued at $3,200…..by me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And Miss Tia has an appointment with the vet next
month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The Maltese will be so disappointed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-8600913193128277742015-02-20T17:56:00.000-06:002015-02-21T07:57:02.028-06:00Chair Yoga, or The Modern Day Rackby Jody Worsham<br />
All right reserved for a massaging, vibrating, heated recliner<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Our Senior Center offers
free excersize classes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Free classes and
the indisputable fact that I am, indeed a senior citizen, led me to my first
ever Chair Yoga Class.<br />
<br />
Now before you start visualization folding chairs in the Crouching Dog position
or wing backed chairs in the Cobra position, I shall explain.<br />
<br />
At the Senior Center there are various levels of yoga.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is Chair Yoga, Floor Yoga, and
Flat-on-Your-Back-Can't-Get-Up Yoga.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
had experienced the Flat-on-Your-Back-Can't-Get-Up Yoga sometime in the past
decade so I decided to begin with Chair Yoga.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At least I would be closer to the floor if I fell out of my Tree Pose.<br />
<br />
The first time I went to class, I asked the receptionist at the door for the
yoga class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps it was my accent, or
my weight, because she said "The yogurt machine is right down the
hall."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I explained I wanted
the Chair Yoga class, she said "Good!" and pointed to the right.<br />
<br />
I was hoping I would not be the oldest living person there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not. <br />
<br />
The instructor had us spread out a yoga mat on the floor and place our chair on
one end of the mat, then sit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, this I
can do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was sitting in my chair,
swinging my feet back and forth waiting for her to begin the relaxation music
when I realized everyone else's feet were touching the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I was taller than the other ladies from
the knees up, I was definitely on the short side from the knees down.<br />
<br />
The music started. The instructor was facing us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She told us to reach our left hand straight
above our head, then slowly bend to the right as far as we could and hold it
while breathing. I reached my right hand above my head, (I was copying her,
mirror image and all) then I bent to the left as far as I could (about 12
inches) which put me face to face with the octogenarian who continued leaning
until she had the palm of her hand flat on the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I may not be the oldest, but I'm definitely
the stiffest.<br />
<br />
This modern torture version of the medieval rack continued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We did stretches, pardon me, “poses” for
another 29 agonizing minutes. No pose was done more than twice, but every
muscle in my body argued vehemently that this was a lie. My hamstrings pinged
like a guitar string.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My deltoids
screamed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Muscles that heretofore had no
names let their presence be known. New words raced through my brain that even
sailors did not use.<br />
<br />
After class as I sat in my chair, breathing hard, with flushed face, and giving
thanks for the short distance to the floor which I was sure I would soon be
seeing up close, my chair mate quipped "Not much of a work out today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe the Floor Yoga class next will be more
of a challenge."<br />
<br />
I remember thinking "If I grab the legs of my chair and give a little
jump, maybe I can work my chair over to the door frame where I can pull myself
into The Standing-in-Severe-Pain pose. Then, in an hour or two, maybe I could
make my way out to the car."<br />
<br />
As I was sitting there, a 90 year old man came in with his walker and sat down
next to me.<br />
<br />
"Want me to put that away for you?" I hopefully asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
"No.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">With the aid of several wrought
iron trellises normally used for climbing ivy, I “walked” myself to the exit.<br />
<br />
At the receptionist’s desk, I paused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The Suggestion Box tempted me. If they are going to call it Chair Yoga,
shouldn’t the chair for beginners have wheels? I was about to put the
suggestion in the box when a coupon for BenGay caught my eye.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Courier New"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Pain relief trumps
suggestions any day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-12055412385429451422015-02-12T11:08:00.000-06:002015-02-12T14:43:03.841-06:00"They call me Katherine that do talk of me"...or Some Name Like That<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham, aka Jo, aka Worsham, aka Mrs., aka Mable, aka MayBelle<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights
reserved and with apologies to Willie Shakespeare and Southern Moms everywhere<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">For over 65 years I have been known as Jody,
the nickname I was given in the first grade, the name on my book “Kin We’re Not
Related To”, the name on this blog, and the name I am known by to all of my
friends and professional colleagues. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Name
problems seem to have started when I married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My husband had six brothers and sisters which, over the years, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>netted four “Mrs. Worshams”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During holidays when all the daughter-in-</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">laws
were home, you could not call their home and ask for “Mrs. Worsham”.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">If you did, four different women might come
to the phone or no one, each thinking the call was for the other one. Mostly “Mrs.”
referred to the elder mother/mother-in-law. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It did not get much better with the Raymonds
either.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There was Raymond the father-in-law,
Raymond the son-in-law, Raymond the nephew, and Raymond my husband. Hence you
always had to call a Raymond by both his first name and his middle name in
order to get the correct Raymond’s attention, well except for Raymond the
father-in-law.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I don’t think he had a
middle name but since he was the first Raymond and the only one without a
middle name, everyone knew the Raymond you were referring to if you just asked
for Raymond.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then for
almost 40 years, I was Worsham to my students. They used Worsham in the same
way athletes used "coach." It was faster for my students to get a response with “Worsham,
fire” or “Worsham, light falling” or “Worsham, principal coming!” (I was a very
creative and unconventional theatre arts teacher who made principals very nervous) then to call me “Mrs.”
Worsham and wait for me to process that “Mrs.” was referring to me. But then my
husband was also a teacher and his students referred to him as “Worsham” as
well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His brother, too, was a teacher
and his students called him “Worsham”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over
the years, any educational convention would find students and former students
having to qualify which “Worsham” they were referencing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Jody and
Worsham served me for 50 years except for the choir teacher, who called me by
my official name, Jo, and my mother, who insists on calling me by both my first name and the middle name she put
on my birth certificate. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I needed a
passport, official birth name only was required.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doctors began using computers and social
security numbers for identification and part of my prescriptions are under Jody
and part are under Jo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am afraid to
buy Sudafed at the pharmacy for fear it will look like two people trying to buy
the decongestant at the same time using the same social security number and a
driver’s license that that did not have Jody on it<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The name
problems have followed me into decade number 7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My nine-year-old and my thirteen-year-old go to a small rural school
where all the students say “yes, mam” and “no, mam”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Those that don't are probably transfers. </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a
substitute teacher it is refreshing to hear "yes, mam" and "no, mam".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did notice that when I would
work in the concession stand for Little Dribblers, I was always referred to as “Mrs. Worsham” even
though all the other mothers and dads with nine-year-olds had
first names.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In Parent Teacher
Organization meetings again everyone had a first name except me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally I said to the other parents in the
PTO (by way of Facebook of course):<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Ok, why is it that everybody has a first name
like Susan or Kathryn, or Holly, and mine is “Mrs.?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I move that I be called Jody or Jo or Worsham.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or I’ll even take a new first name like Betty
or Tammy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll take a double name Mable
Rae or Ethel Mae.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I may be twice your
age…ok three times your age but with a nine-year-old, I forget how old I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have my permission to forget it to.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Of course
one of the parents is a former student of mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She had trouble calling me Worsham even as a teenager but she promised
to try “Jo .”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could tell at the slight
hesitation before “Jo” that she expected her Mama to pop her on the head any
minute for being disrespectful to a teacher and the elderly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I guess I
will just have to answer to anything. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At my age people will just say “SORRY, MRS.
WORSHAM.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I WAS HOLLERING FOR MINNIE LOU.”</span></span><br />
</div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-65897655325176211922015-02-02T09:47:00.000-06:002015-02-02T09:47:13.375-06:00Weather You Like It or Not<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights
reserved for map and darts<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We have
watched the Weather Channel since the time it was only weather and music…on a
loop, long before there were actual programs on the channel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think we were fascinated by the number of
times their forecasts would be accurate and the number of times they missed
completely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course with Texas, you
really can’t fault their forecasts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
depends on the exact moment you tuned in to the station.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is an old saying that if you don’t like
Texas weather, wait five minutes and it will change.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I guess that
is the reason they don’t name storms in our state, too many kinds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dust storms would take you through the
alphabet in a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thunderstorms, will
that’s a daily occurrence in the spring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tornadoes, water sprouts, dust devils, “northers”…well I don’t think
even the Cabbage Patch manufacturers could come up with enough names for all
those. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, we just seem to classify
weather by names with our own lingo to describe the weather.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There’s the “blue
tail norther.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that is a cold wind
blowing in from Canada cold enough to freeze your pipes and cover the tanks (stock
ponds) with ice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Nothing between us and the North Pole except
a barbed wire fence. “ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that is different
from just a “norther” blowing in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A “norther”
can drop the temperature twenty degrees in five minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A “scorcher”
is a summer day when the temperature is above 103 degrees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Big bank building up” is a row of dark
clouds on the horizon building up to a thunderstorm or possible a “blue tail
norther”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A “downpour” is more than two
inches of rain in an hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course you
can have a downpour at our house and across the street they only get a
sprinkle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Bottoms gonna fall out” means
a heavy thunderstorm is going to produce a downpour soon. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We also have our share of hurricanes but we
mostly just use the Weather Channels name since those are pretty widespread. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The one
thing we don’t have a lot of, except in the Panhandle area, is snow. Let an
inch of snow fall in any other area of Texas, and Jim Cantores could broadcast
non-stop for a week. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First of all, at
the first sign of a snow flake or sleet, all school administrators hop on a
school bus at 4a.m. to check the bridges and roads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They must decide if it is school as usual,
late start, or If <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they deem it is too
slick for safety, they declare it a “Bad Weather Day” and alert the radio and
TV stations, activate the automated parent calling program and school is
cancelled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At that
point all the children that have been waiting for the school cancelation news,
gear up in their Carhart deer hunting clothes, ski clothes, or don seven layers
of sweatshirts, thermal-underwear, and hats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Without proper snow gear, Wal-Mart sacks are duck taped around tennis
shoes and Zip-lock bags cover gloves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dish pans, cardboard boxes, and trash can lids are pressed into service
as sleds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some kids are lucky enough to
find left over inflatable rafts from the summer in the garage and those also
become sleds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone races to the
nearest drive-way, ditch, or anything with the slightest slope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have to hurry before the snow melts or
is scraped away by careening cardboard sleds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mini snowballs are made and midget Snowmen are quickly made. Everyone
sends their pictures into the TV stations. Whatever clean snow can be found is
piled into a bowls for snow ice cream.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If there is
more than an inch of snow lasting more than a day, the highway department will
start sanding the bridges and iced roads but that only slows down the number of
wrecks<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now I know
my Northern friends think we are insane for cancelling school, shutting down
the city , and declaring a State Holiday all because of a little snow; but it
so seldom snows here, no one knows how to drive on it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took lots of pictures and made snow ice
cream so the eight-year-old and twelve-year-old would have some kind of
reference when the Weather Channel talks about Snow Storm Zelda or they study
snow in science class.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">In my little
town, we usually get a heavy snow (for us) about every ten years. We had a good
snow last year so it probably won’t snow again until 2024. By then I should
have my guest room cleaned and set up for Jim and his crew. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If it snow 3
inches, we’ll be in the news! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-82629205666501724752015-01-22T09:34:00.000-06:002015-01-22T09:34:55.556-06:00I, Eye, Aye
<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights
reserved for DIY Surgery<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I recently
joined the 21<sup>st</sup> century with the purchase of a smart phone but I did
not understand why they called it an I phone if it is a smart phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wouldn’t it be called an S-Phone ?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe the I stands for intelligent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I told my mother about my I-phone, she
could not understand why I wanted a phone that you had to hold up to your eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That got me to thinking about homonyms (words
that sound alike but are spelled differently and have differently meanings) and
my son’s doctor. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shall explain.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My middle
aged son has a prosthetic eye so when he gets an eye infection, I take it quite
seriously. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I saw the swollen
tissue around his eye socket, I went into “Mama Over-Drive.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called our local VA clinic only to discover
they were “in between” ophthalmologists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No surprise there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She advised me
to take him to the Houston VA three hours away in heavy traffic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Nope, we will go to Shreveport. It’s closer,
smaller, less traffic, and I know my way around.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Civilian Mama’s can say that.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When dealing
with government agencies, you go directly to where the power is and that would be
a secretary or receptionist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you can
find a person that is both, you are gold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I called the Eye Clinic and hit pay dirt with James, receptionist and
secretary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained the situation and
that we were already in the system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
told me that if I asked for a referral from home, it could take two to three
weeks so go directly to the Emergency Room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“A nurse will look at him and say
‘Hummm’ and refer him to a P.A. who will look at him and say ‘Hummm’ and refer
him to a doctor who will look at him and say ‘Hummm, send him to the eye clinic’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and I will get you in to see an eye
specialist.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The next
morning we left at 6a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My plan was to
arrive in time to get a parking space within a mile of the emergency room,
after the early morning heart attacks had been treated, and before the 8a.m.
shift changes to avoid being lost in the switch over. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We lucked out in that we did get a parking
spot a few yards from the ER entrance and before the shift change.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had removed my son’s fake eye and had it in
a zip lock bag with water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
contemplated having him carry that in his hand with his eye socket uncovered
achieving a sort of a zombie look in hopes we would gross everybody out and get
faster service but it was before breakfast and the only person getting queasy
was me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just as
predicted at 9a.m. the nurse said “Hummm.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At 10 a.m. the P.A. said “Hummm” and at 11 a.m. the doctor said “Hummm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Send him over to the eye clinic.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At 11 a.m.
James got us registered and an appointment with the eye specialist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I have learned over the years to be
prepared for long waits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my I-Pad
and I-Phone fully charged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my tote
bag with water, diet Coke, Snickers, two skeins of yarn, crochet needle,
scissors, a couple of “Kin We’re Not Related To” books to sell or read, the
eyeball, and a list of all medications.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At 3 p.m. I
had eaten the Snickers, drank the diet Coke, and crocheted three sweaters, an afghan,
four scarves and a hat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had advanced
eight levels on Candy Crush and texted everybody I knew on my now dead I-phone
and I-pad.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finally we
got in to see the doctor who asked: <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Why did you
take the eye out?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“It was
hurting him.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“You took it
out because it was hurting him?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Yes.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“When?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Yesterday.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“You took it
out yesterday, yourself, the eye?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“That’s what
I said.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finally my
son said “A doctor took it out after a car crash fifteen years ago.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The relief
on the doctor’s face caused the color to return.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fake eye, real eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Same word, same spelling, different meaning.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When the
doctor could breathe again, he wrote a prescription and asked that we return
the following week to re-evaluate the situation and to see if a new prosthetic eye
is needed. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I resisted the urge to say “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">AYE, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AYE</i></b> Captain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i> </b>will return with my son and the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">EYE</i></b>
as requested.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ok, cut me
some slack. I didn’t say it….out loud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Both my brain and my butt were numb. I had been seated in a car or
waiting room for 11 ½ hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ayiii-ya-ya Ayiii <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-70436979883807759542015-01-13T11:25:00.000-06:002015-01-13T11:25:52.517-06:00Where Have All the Turkeys Gone?
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham, yes co-author “Kin We’re Not Related To” in case you forgot<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights
reserved for handicapped ramps</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">From early
November to late December the supermarkets abound with turkeys:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>fresh, frozen, buttered, injected, smoked,
fried, Cajun, Mrs. Smiths.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The turkey
hotlines are staffed 24/7 to answer all of your turkey needs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Magazines feature perfectly bronzed turkeys
complete with drumstick booties deliciously displayed on platters with
cranberry garnishes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Google hits are in
the millions for recipes for leftover turkey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And now it
is January.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where have all the turkeys
gone?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They no longer fill the endcaps at
the supermarkets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what has happened
to the big birds?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Have the
unsold birds been sent to the North Pole for low cost storage until next
November?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Has the market been so over
saturated that the mere mention of a turkey sandwich sends would-be-eaters
racing for Taco Bell?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Has the turkey
hotlines finally answered all turkey questions and has switched to automated
calls only? Has the Google million hits counter now centered on diets and New
Year’s resolutions?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But my next
question is even more disturbing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With
the whole birds gone from the stores, where are those turkey legs coming
from?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we have a lot of paraplegic
turkeys wheeling around on skateboards?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And if all there is in the market place from January to late October is
turkey legs and ground turkey, are the remaining whole turkeys in hiding?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is there an underground turkey railroad
moving the birds from carnivorous states to California, a known vegetarian
state?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And is our ground turkey coming
from those birds that did not make it to a vegan state?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But most
importantly, if all we have are paraplegic turkeys and “free” birds, where are
next year’s whole turkeys coming from?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can only hope there is a cashe of artificially inseminated turkey eggs
somewhere waiting to be hatched. Otherwise Black Friday will become Black
Thursday with no turkeys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Pulling a
fish bone is just not the same as pulling a wishbone.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-62498812902051098052015-01-06T20:20:00.000-06:002015-01-06T20:20:28.473-06:00Strangers in the Night, Slot Buddies
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
by Jody Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights
reserved for oddities</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There is something about being confined
with strangers for a lengthy period of time that makes you lifelong buddies,
even if you never learned their names.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>People trapped in elevators for a few hours might end up exchanging
Christmas cards the next year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It happens
to people waiting in line for three hours at Wal-Mart on Gray Thursday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if you happen to run into those people
several weeks later you might, as I was, be greeted with “I appreciate your
teenager entertaining my two-year-old in the freezer line.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But nothing bonds people together faster than
a few drinks on New Year’s Eve in a casino around a bank of slot machines with
a common “enemy”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Over the past few months at our
favorite casino donation center, we have repeatedly encountered two people we
have dubbed “The Odd Couple.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Odd Couple seems to have staked an
imaginary claim to four of everyone’s favorite slot machines and no one else
should ever play them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you do, they
will stare at you, point at you, and frown if you win any of “their” money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The maximum donation is $1 if you hope to
ever hit the jackpot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, the Odd
Couple will only play their system which involves keeping a thick notebook, using
several player cards, allowing the machine to periodically rest, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>having their spouse sit on the opposite machine
so no one else can play it, and change up their bet ranging from 1 cent (yes I
said 1 cent) to 20 cents and rarely $1.00.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Other people have come to recognize
the Odd Couple as well, knowing them by various other names, of course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not sure how it happened, but Carol and
Sandra (we learned their names several hours later) and Dr. Hubby and I managed
to occupy their four favorite machines at the same time much to the chagrin of
the Odd Couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As we were being entertained by the spinning slot wheels, the
Odd Couple began to circle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
pointed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They stared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They whispered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We kept playing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr. Hubby’s system involves “talking” to the
machines so when Carol would go to the bonus round, Dr. Hubby would begin
calling for more doubles, or bonuses, rather loudly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When Carol got them, we all shouted. People
gravitated to the excitement expecting to see a great win only to be
disappointed at all the excitement over a $1.32 cent Jackpot. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems, I am ashamed
to say, the more the Odd Couple frowned, the louder we got.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To keep my playing money from running out too
quickly, I would take frequent potty breaks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The longer we held onto the machines, the odder the Odd Couple
became.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sandra said “I’ll play a penny
at a time before I let them have my machine.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After a couple of trips to the ATM machine, Carol vowed “I’ll outlast them
even if I have to mortgage the farm.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
learned later that she didn’t have a farm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As it got closer to midnight, the champagne began to flow
even as the Odd Couple continued to circle. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sandra wanted to go to her room and put on her
warm pajamas and come back, but she was afraid one of the Odd Couple would grab
her machine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a few glasses of
champagne, referred to as “this kerosene stuff” by our new friends, one leaned
over to me and said “If I was a drinking woman (I didn’t count the number of
empty glasses) I might go over there and whip her butt.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By this time my butt was numb and Dr. Hubby
was hoarse from talking to the machines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Somehow this had turned into an endurance battle, us four against the
Odd Couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was a sign on the wall
with a 1-800 number to call if you had a gambling problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think we had an Odd Couple problem.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At exactly midnight, 2015 arrived and 2014 left as did our
Odd Couple. We won!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were broke, but
we had won. “Thank goodness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was about
to run out of money,” said Carol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Now I
can go to bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been wanting to
for the past two hours,” came from a very tired Sandra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heady with our victory, we all smiled, wished
each other a Happy New Year, exchanged addresses and I think secretly promised
to meet back next year. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strangers in the
night no more. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Odd, isn’t it?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-89924589995871105272014-12-22T08:37:00.000-06:002014-12-22T08:37:35.777-06:00T'Was a Few Days Before Christmas <span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">by Jody Worsham</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights reserved for steel gift boxes</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">T'was a few days before Christmas<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And all
through the halls<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Christmas
decorations covered everything, every <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>wall<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gifts were
wrapped in early NovemberI <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Problem was I
could not remember.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Was this a
toaster or blender for Aunt Sue?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And this odd
shaped box all wrapped in blue<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">With no tag
how do I know to whom it was to?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh Black Friday
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>saved me lots of cash, of that I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>am clear<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But forgotten
contents leads me to tears.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">With no list
and no time to re-wrap, what was I to do with this pile of…..stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There was
only one thing for me to do in this quandry<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Call in the
Christmas snoopers and forget the laundry.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Two little
elves who live here year round<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Came when I
whistled and appeared in one bound.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They spoke
not a word but went right to the task<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As if to
say, “We knew this day would come at last.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Their skills
for snooping and identifying by touch, led to no surprises on past Christmas
Days for this bunch. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Our skills
are unsurpassed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can save this
holiday disaster.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is a
tackle box for Uncle Lassiter.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And in a twinkling
the job was completed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They gave me
the list and no name had been deleted.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I knew at a
glance what had been given to whom.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I heard
them exclaim as they raced to their room,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Merry
Christmas dear Mama, the gift you got us is nifty.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We promise
to look surprised when we open the X-Box 360.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-73882283614755597782014-12-13T03:00:00.000-06:002014-12-13T03:00:09.171-06:00Recap to Fill in the Gap or Pumpkin is a vegetable, right?
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights
reserved for Haz Mat Suites<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">First I
would like to thank all of you for waiting for my death notice to appear on
Facebook before calling to check as to the reason for my absence from the
blogging scene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is so hard to find my
phone or my I-Pad amidst the Mount Everest of Kleenx. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, a
recap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess all this began with the
decision as to when the Thanksgiving meal should take place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I call my eleven guests and inform
them we were having Thanksgiving Breakfast or Thanksgiving Brunch?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the start times for Black Friday
shopping now beginning on Blue Thursday afternoon, it was imperative that the
teen-ager and I be in line by 2p.m. for the Wal-Mart Six Hour Price Guarantee
for the 643-inch-indoor-drive-in-movie TV. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Hi, sorry
to be calling so early this morning, but we will be having Thanksgiving Brunch
at our house this year instead of Thanksgiving dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As per the sales flyers, we must be finished
with brunch and in line by 2p.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank
you so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look forward to visiting
with you shortly.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Black
Friday/Blue Thursday shopping is all about logistics and communication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While the turkey and bacon were frying, I
charged the phones and cross referenced the start times for all the
bargains.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To save time, I had the
dessert on the buffet table rather than at a separate table .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, technically pumpkin is a vegetable, so
what if it is served as a pie? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">In keeping
with the holiday spirit, the teenager gave the succinct prayer. “God? Thanks.”
By the time the last person cleared the buffet line, I was loading the
dishwasher, squishing in my Dr. Scholes gellin’ insoles, and thanking everyone
for coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was “Show Time!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ever since
the infamous sheet “incident” at Wal-Mart last year resulting in a 9-1-1- call,
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a fight,, and everyone being three
sheets to the wind, the nine-year-old has begged to be part of the shopping
scene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him BF/BT was rated PG-13
for violence and he was too young.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By 2p.m. the
teen-ager was entrenched in the line for the compact freezer sale which would
begin at 6p.m. and I was sixth in line for the Drive-in-Movie size TV which
began in the frozen food section of Wal-Mart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Normally I
make some life-long friends during the four hour wait but this must have been
the year for I-HOB, International Hallway of Bargains.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had an Oriental couple to my left and a
Latin American family to my right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During
the four-hour wait, I did a lot of smiling, nodding my head, and making non-committal
sounds as I could not break through the accent barrier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At one point I wasn’t sure if the Oriental
lady was speaking English or Chinese to her husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It all sounded the same to my ears. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we got tired of standing, we perched on the
edge of the frozen food bins until our buns were as frozen as the rump roast on
sale there. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">True to
their word, at exactly 6p.m. Wal-Mart issued a certificate to those of us who could
be pried from the frozen food bin, for a big screen TV that we could pay for
right then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The certificate also
entitled us to get in line by 8 p.m. to receive the actual TV.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next hour and a half wait was more
comfortable as I was able to pass the time by reading every label on every
detergent carried by Wal-Mart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">True to
their word, as exactly 8p.m., the line began to move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I showed the clerk my receipt for the TV, and
she said “Yes, you will definitely get your TV today” and gave me a pass number
so I could get my truck in line for the Large Item Pick-up in Automotive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At some
point during the previous six hour wait, the teen-ager phoned from the pharmacy
to say a pillow fight had broken out next to the small freezer line where she
was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Are you ok?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was anyone hurt?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Mom, it was a pillow fight, a fight for
pillows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No police. What’s with these
people and their linens anyway?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ah, a
question for another time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Anyway, I
have the certificate so you can pay for the freezer and a pass code so you can
get the truck in line…”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I know,
automotive, Large Item Pick Up.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By 10:00 p.m.
we were home with our pick-up truck loaded with a freezer and a giant screen <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>TV.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
throat was scratchy and I was hungry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Both situations were solved with a big slice of vegetable pie, pumpkin,
of course.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Next Week….Replicate,
Duplicate, and Cloning<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-45103522974456065582014-11-17T14:42:00.000-06:002014-11-17T14:42:06.466-06:00Heard Around the House
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By Jody
Worsham<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 174.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All rights reserved for an Invisible Woman Costume<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There is a
phenomenon known to all teachers and parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can be in the same room with students and children and as long as
you don’t make eye-contact or ask them a question, you are pretty much
invisible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This has enabled me to learn
much this holiday season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Here are c</span>omments
and<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>conversations overhead by the Invisible
Woman.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“You guys
leave your Christmas tree up all year huh?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“So how many
presents have you found in Mama’s <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>secrete
hiding place in <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the attic?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Why does he
have more presents than me?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Well, the
things you want are much more expensive than his.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Yeah, you
should want cheap stuff like me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Well I don’t
think wrapping each Ugg boot separately should count as two separate gifts.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Do you
think if I say “Call To Duty” would help my social studies grade, Mama would
buy it?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“The game or
the con?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Why are we eating
dinner in the dining room?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Mama
cooked.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Real food?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“If the
temperature drops below 32, Mama takes us to school in the truck and you can
sit on the heated seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if the
temperature is in the teens, we go in the car and I get to use the remote to
start the car from inside the house.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yeah, because
Mama doesn’t have a hot seat.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I know what
Mama wants for Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Medicaid.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Merry
Maids, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>MERRY MAIDS! you idiot.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The way this
is going I will end up with a maid on Medicare, searching the attic for the
left Ugg boot present, and dusting my Christmas tree in August.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Maybe if I
wore a bell around my neck…. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4436263897503929969.post-86222066741129089772014-11-10T08:41:00.000-06:002014-11-10T08:54:32.267-06:00When Did This Happen?<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">by Jody Worsham, co-author....wait for it....wait for it...."Kin We're Not Related To"</span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">All rights reserved for What Not to Wear Now<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 45.8pt 91.6pt 137.4pt 183.2pt 229.0pt 274.8pt 320.6pt 366.4pt 412.2pt 458.0pt 503.8pt 549.6pt 595.4pt 641.2pt 687.0pt 732.8pt;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DFwB3lC02Uk/VGDRhfGYhWI/AAAAAAAAAH8/FzE8qtF-QsI/s1600/DSCI2077.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DFwB3lC02Uk/VGDRhfGYhWI/AAAAAAAAAH8/FzE8qtF-QsI/s1600/DSCI2077.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When did the clothes in my closet become costumes to be raided for
Halloween and Red Ribbon Week?<br />
<br />
Today was Dress Like a Decade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The kids
found a poodle skirt I had made for one of the first bunch of kids in the
closet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
"Let's dress up like they did in the fifties" said the thirteen-year-old.<br />
<br />
“How do we know what that looks like" asked the nine-year-old.<br />
<br />
"Easy, we'll ask Mama. She was there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She probably has some of the same clothes she wore then still in her
closet."<br />
<br />
How dare that little twerp imply that I am old and I think I did save a couple
of those 500 yard petticoats up in the attic.<br />
<br />
Rigging up the boy's costume for the fifties was easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Roll up the cuffs of his Levi jeans, slap on a
pair of white socks, hunt up a pair of tennis shoes, snatch the dog tags off
the dog, bleach out a white tee shirt, roll a box of crayons up in the sleeve
(fake pack of cigarettes) a little cooking oil on his hair and you have a an
instant nine-year-old Fonze!<br />
<br />
Now the thirteen-year-old was different mainly because I actually wore clothes
from the 50's every day...in the fifties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She would be totally accurate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
I know; you want to know if there is a costume prize, certificate, recognition
etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, not this time, at least not
that I know of but there will be pictures in the annual of the best costumes...which
we will have.<br />
<br />
The skirt that she found was originally for one of the girls from our first
family and judging from the size of the skirt, I had not realized we had, at
one time a short, round fat midget of a girl.<br />
<br />
Fortunately, I had a bolt of gray felt that a sorority in town had used for
something and was throwing away, but I beat the trash truck to their
street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We folded the felt and laid it out
on the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Using a yard stick and
chalk we marked out a semi-circle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
good thing about felt is that you don't have to hem it. We salvaged the felt
pink poodle from the other skirt and attached it at just the right spot to show
at all times. The entire skirt was finished in less than an hour.<br />
<br />
We tossed the two 500 yard petticoats into the dryer to fluff them even
more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She found a white blouse that I
starched heavily so the collar would stand up in back. I cut my long pink silky
scarf so she could have a tie around her neck and a longer piece for her pony
tail.<br />
<br />
"Put the pony tail up higher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
has to show slightly above the crown of your head," I said.<br />
<br />
"And you think I am particular about how I wear my messy bun!"<br />
<br />
With her pony tail at just the right height, 1,000<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>yards of net petticoat beneath the gray
poodle skirt, white Keds, cuffed white socks, starched collar turned up, and
my, yes, my 1958 letter sweater, she looked like she had just stepped off the
pages of my year book.<br />
<br />
"Hey, this is pretty cool." <br />
<br />
Pretty cool!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>High praise and definitely
deserving of several pictures in this year's annual.<br />
<br />
No therapy required this time, well not for her,… maybe for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Jody Worshamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04265796303516276553noreply@blogger.com5