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Sunday, December 29, 2013

New Year's Predictions from the Swami Mommie

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for Predictable Predictions

I have had the privilege of interviewing the Texas Swami Mommie for the past several decades and I can tell you she is batting a thousand, 0 for 70, on a roll when it comes to New Year Predictions.  Here is what she told me last night.

1.  Gasoline prices will go up, then down, then up but will not stabilize in 2014.

2.  There will be scandal in Washington, but not in Nevada where it is legal.

3.  The Supreme Court will  determine if Twerking is pornography or just safe sex as practiced by Miley Cyrus in public.

4.  Obama Care becomes "I Don't Care".

5.  K-Mart, who gave us "I shipped my pants" and the jingling "bells", is continuing their marketing strategy with a variation of Deck the Halls for 2014.  Contract negations are underway with the Chippendales and The Thunder from Down Under.

6.  The National Spelling Bee, no longer having any qualifiers, will become the National Texting Bee. TMYDTD (texting makes you dumber than dirt)

7.  A&E's executives will be required to under go 200 hours of sensitivity training and remedial accounting.

8.  A printed newspaper will become the newest exhibit at the Smithsonian and placed next to a book.

9. DISH and Direct TV will see competition from U-tube.

10.  Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, will seek US citizenship in order to run for Congress.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

A Visit from ???

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for Freedom of Speech

T'was three days before Christmas and all through the house.
Every creature was scurrying, even the mouse.

The stockings were packed in the attic somewhere
In hopes they would be found before Santa got there.

The children were zoned out in front of the TV.
School had been out for two days, you see.

Taco shells were in the oven, the timer was set.
They will burn anyway, on that you can bet.

I with a glass of Chardonnay and Hubby,Dr. Pepper in hand,
had just given up trying to get the Christmas tree to stand.

When out on the drive-way there rose such a clatter,
I slowly got up to see what was the matter.

Away to the security cameras I swayed in a flash,
Hit the zoom button and hoped it didn't crash.

The moon on the crest of the Si Gnome and yard art
gave the appearance of a garage sale, the unsold part.

When what to my blurry eyes should appear
but the UPS truck, on that  I was clear.

With a little old driver, so slow, you see
It reminded me of Uncle Nebecaneezer Lee.

More rapid than Andretti he ripped through the gears
And he shouted and called out strange mutterings to my ears.

" Dag-nap it, consarn idget, you stupider than dirt,
You blithering mullat, I'll put on the hurt!"

To the top of the drive way, to the patio floor,
he managed to park very close to the door.

I ditched the wine glass and was turning around,
when down the sidewalk he came with a bound.

He was dressed all in camo from his pants to his shirt
And his clothes were all muddy and covered with dirt.

His glasses how they twinkled, his dimples how merry,
His cheeks were like roses and his nose like a cherry

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And the beard on his chin reminded me of that TV show.

A wink of his eye and the tilt of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but set me to work.
And had me unload all the packages, then turned with a jerk.

He grabbed his blue cup, took a long drink of tea,
And tore down the drive-way, barely missing a tree.

But I heard him exclaim as he drove into the black
"Happy Happy Happy Christmas to all and that's a fact, Jack!"

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Black Friday and Brown Thursday?

A Sale-a-bration!
by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for a cold shower

Black Friday has now expanded into Brown Thursday notably with several stores having sales starting as early as 6p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. I guess Wal-Mart, also known to the media as Brawl-Mart, figured since they were open anyway, they may has well rack up a few extra million in sales.

With nothing major on my "must have Christmas list" this year, I joined the crowds anyway.  I had "buck" fever. It was the thrill of the hunt. Like some neanderthal cave person, the fear of starvation or in my case missing out on a good buy, drove me from mind numbing marathon football games into the stores.

As I was wandering the aisles, I encountered old friends, not people I knew, but merchandise I hadn't seen since last year...the George Foreman Grill, the foot massager, the heated back pad, the soap on a rope, the cellophane wrapped gift baskets of toe nail clippers, back scrubbers, and lotion. They were all there.  I wondered how we managed to buy a wedding gift or a birthday present during the rest of the year.  I mean you can't find those 32 piece Tupperware look-a-likes with the red lids at any other time.

I had the twelve-year-old with me again.  This was her second BF and first BT (Brown Thursday).  Like a young cub, she was learning.

Dr. Hubby thinks I am a walking contradiction.  I don't allow her to watch violent movies, attend NASCAR races, or  pierce her ears, but I put her in the middle of the biggest free for all of the year.  Ok, for months she did talk about the fight over 800 thread count sheets she witnessed at Target last year but that was different.  That was 800 threads!  And besides, I was not encouraging gladiator mentality.

As 6 p.m. drew closer, the crowds began to circle and mill around the one cup electric food choppers encased in shrink wrap located in the automotive aisle.  I glanced at the twelve-year-old. Her nostrils began to flare, her eyes widened, and she was breathing faster.  The little hairs on the back of our necks began to stand on end. At 5:59 the crowd exploded.  Someone standing very close to me yelled "FIGHT".

The Food Chopper minimum wage security guard ran for the nearest exit.  Food choppers were flying through the air, sometimes attached to a person. Shrink wrap lassos were pulling choppers from the top. Arthritic old ladies became Roller Derby Mamas as they crashed their way through the crowd.  It was glorious!

By the time the S.W.A.T. team arrived it was over.  Hub caps, motor oil, and turtle wax were scrambled amidst shrink wrap, chopper lids, and empty boxes.

It was time to leave...
                                        for the next store.

Stay tuned next week for "Kung Fu Street Shopping"