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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut Part 2

by Jody Worsham All rights reserved for Almond Joy and Mounds


In re-reading my last post, I seemed to have joined the ranks of my grandmother in bewailing progress. She hated her new-fangled washing machine;I like my automatic washing machine, I just hate these new-fangled computer updates. For some reason, the new updates would not allow me to write in paragraphs. After consulting my closest friends on the World Wide Web, I received computer advice that, if followed, should allow paragraphs in my post. They offered no guarantee as to spelling or gramatical correctness. Here follows, as Paul Harvey used to say, "the rest of the story."

Rose ( suggested I add "lesser than" symbol at the end of a paragraph followed by b and the "greater than" symbol. I started taking notes with my trusty #2 pencil and spiral notebook. "HTML has hidden codes. To break the code you must have these litle sidways house tops. Add "b" at the end of a paragraph to create a new line. Add "b/l" to end the coded instructions unless you want paragraphs; then you only have to have "b". Or you can do the "P"." I wish I still had my Little Orphan Annie decoder ring.

Joanie ( said to hit the "return" then "return" again. Wanda ( said to type in visual mode not HTML but I don't have a visual. Sharon ( wants me to copy, paste, hit enter after each paragraph,click preview, click the Hokey Pokey and turn yourself wait; that's someting else.

Another wanted to know why I was writing in HTML instead of compose. I told her I was just typing in English and trying to cut and paste to my blog with regular paragraphs the same I have been doing for the past two years until the new and improved updates. The acorn is quickly sliding down a mile long glacier.

Someday a doctoral thesis will be written exploring the early twenty-first century literary significance of a mute pre-historic squirrel and his illusive acorn and their relationship to post-apocalyptic computerization of man. Debates will rage in ivory towers as to its symbolic meaning to mankind.

The truth is, I just want to write with paragraphs and that squirrel just wants his nut.

The End

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut; Sometimes You Are

by Jody Worsham

Part One

All rights reserved for the Nut House

You know how in Ice Age that pre-historic squirrel is always chasing that illusive acorn?  Just about the time he almost gets his paws around the acorn, the world shifts on its axis, the ice Age starts to melt, or a huge crack appears in a glacier separating him from his nut.

That's the way I am when it comes to computers.About the time I finally learn how to do something, it gets improved on or updated. If you have read my posts for the last couple of times, you may have noted that my writing appeared to be one long paragraph.  I assure you that in its original pre-cut-and-pasted Microsoft format, there were ample paragraphs.  What looked like nicely spaced paragraphs in the draft version became one long sentence in the posted version.  With the new and improved BlogSpt, the acorn escaped my clutch.

Some eight-year-old, probably named Bill, in a garage "improves" on a perfectly good method of doing something, making it faster, easier, and more global for him.  Suddenly the Gates are opened to a flood of new procedures, apps, HTML and making something you just figured out, obsolete and often doing so without informing you.  The acorn slips down a crevice.

The latest "update" sent me scurrying for help from my more compter literate friends on Net Wits, Southern Humorists, and Humor Writers.  What happened?  To whcih there were no less than 25 responses.  Three suggested I learn to speak HTML, an obscure Third World language of alien computers.  They may as well have suggested I buy the Rosetta Stone version of Farsi and learn it in three simple lessons.  One kind soul offered to tutor me off line; I'm sure to prevent the world from knowing how inept I am.  I have, thanks to him, mastered the first half of the first lesson.  Still grasping for the acorns, though.

(To be Continued later)

The Ice Man Cometh or Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut; Sometimes You Are!

by Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for the Nut House

You know how in Ice Age that pre-historic squirrel is always chasing that illusive acorn?  Justa bout the time he almost gets his paws around the acorn, the world shifts on its axis, the Ic Age starts to melt, or a hugh crack appears in a glacier separating him from his nut.

That's the way I am when it comes to computers.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Only the Good Diet Young

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for Sugar Free Scales
My friend Lisa, www.themeatandpotatoesoflife , described herself as always being "chunky" but there is still time for her to diet. I, on the other hand, have always been skinny, but there is something about hitting middle age (assuming I am going to live to 140) when the metabolism slows down and your caloric intake speeds up, usually accelerated by the need for a daily glass of wine and a couple of Snickers, that changes things. I now crave carbs and sugar that are no longer burned in a flurry of hyper activity but settling nicely onto my frame. Dieting is too late for me.b>
Aside from the health issues (and do I really want to make it to 140) I must measure the price of slimming down compared to the happiness of a smooth chocolaty mocha frappe and extra butter on my sour dough bread. My husband still thinks I'm cute; admittedly he wears bifocals and has night blindness but I'm not currently considering submitting photos to thePast Prime Time Dating Service or Life and Bran Begin at 70 web sites. I'll give the marriage another 48 years before shopping around for husband number two and the prerequisite diet plan.b>
I have noticed that most of the Jenny Craig, Bowflex, and diet/exercise ads on television feature pictures of young female whale types as" before" and a slim and sleek porpoise type "after" photos. But then young whales and young females have a lot of elasticity in their skin. If I suddenly went on a diet and managed to lose 30 or 40 pounds, I too, could fit back into size 10 clothing, but imagine a balloon that has been blown up to capacity for several months and you slowly let all the air out. Now observe that balloon. It does not snap back into its former tiny jaw-aching-if-you-tried-to-blow-it-up shape; rather it has irregular floppy and droopy sides. Were I to lose said 30 or 40 pounds, the skin around my chins, arms, stomachs, and thighs would be hanging somewhere around my knees along with my boobs. With all that loose skin, I could be Bat Mama and become airborne if a strong breeze came up.b>
I rationalize it this way. My extra poundage takes the place of lifting weights to maintain muscle tone. I just haul my weights with me wherever I go. In these dire economic times, a layer of fat and a sweatshirt may be all I need to get me through a cold winter. If the teamsters union decides to strike or a flood destroys the wheat crop, I've got enough fat stored up to last a month or two before I resort to healthy foods. And besides, fluffy, plump laps make the best place for rocking grandchildren to sleep.b>
"Now, make that McDonald's small mocha frappe an extra-large and yes I would care for an apple pie. Only the good diet young."

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Sing! Sing A Song!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for classical ear plugs

I'm not sure what my seven- year-old has been learning in first grade music class but it seems to be centered on the classics and Americana. This past year he has bump-dee-dee-dee-dee-bump-bump-bump-bump-buuuum...which translates to "The Nut Cracker", in particular the March of the Tin Soldiers. At least it wasn't the Sugar Plum Fairy theme he was de-deeing, not that too many other first graders in his class would recognize any fairy other than the Tooth Fairy.

He has alternated that song all year with "Hail to the Chief". I asked him on what occasion that song is played and he said "When someone very important comes into the Jesus." I'll give him that. We have had a few presidents who thought they were right up there with God.

I guess his class was getting ready for their end of the year music program because he has added a new song to his repertoire. "Poof, the magic dragon lived for me to see...something something something in a big old holler tree..." No amount of arguing could convince him the dragon's name was Puff and he lived by the sea.

Knowing my first grader, it will be Poof the Magic Dragon on opening night and he will still be living in that hollow tree waiting for Jesus to enter "bump-dee-dee-dee-dee-bum-bum-bum-bump buuuuuuum" down the center aisle.

Ahhh, the arts!  It is what keeps us human.