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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Only the Good Diet Young

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for Sugar Free Scales
My friend Lisa, www.themeatandpotatoesoflife , described herself as always being "chunky" but there is still time for her to diet. I, on the other hand, have always been skinny, but there is something about hitting middle age (assuming I am going to live to 140) when the metabolism slows down and your caloric intake speeds up, usually accelerated by the need for a daily glass of wine and a couple of Snickers, that changes things. I now crave carbs and sugar that are no longer burned in a flurry of hyper activity but settling nicely onto my frame. Dieting is too late for me.b>
Aside from the health issues (and do I really want to make it to 140) I must measure the price of slimming down compared to the happiness of a smooth chocolaty mocha frappe and extra butter on my sour dough bread. My husband still thinks I'm cute; admittedly he wears bifocals and has night blindness but I'm not currently considering submitting photos to thePast Prime Time Dating Service or Life and Bran Begin at 70 web sites. I'll give the marriage another 48 years before shopping around for husband number two and the prerequisite diet plan.b>
I have noticed that most of the Jenny Craig, Bowflex, and diet/exercise ads on television feature pictures of young female whale types as" before" and a slim and sleek porpoise type "after" photos. But then young whales and young females have a lot of elasticity in their skin. If I suddenly went on a diet and managed to lose 30 or 40 pounds, I too, could fit back into size 10 clothing, but imagine a balloon that has been blown up to capacity for several months and you slowly let all the air out. Now observe that balloon. It does not snap back into its former tiny jaw-aching-if-you-tried-to-blow-it-up shape; rather it has irregular floppy and droopy sides. Were I to lose said 30 or 40 pounds, the skin around my chins, arms, stomachs, and thighs would be hanging somewhere around my knees along with my boobs. With all that loose skin, I could be Bat Mama and become airborne if a strong breeze came up.b>
I rationalize it this way. My extra poundage takes the place of lifting weights to maintain muscle tone. I just haul my weights with me wherever I go. In these dire economic times, a layer of fat and a sweatshirt may be all I need to get me through a cold winter. If the teamsters union decides to strike or a flood destroys the wheat crop, I've got enough fat stored up to last a month or two before I resort to healthy foods. And besides, fluffy, plump laps make the best place for rocking grandchildren to sleep.b>
"Now, make that McDonald's small mocha frappe an extra-large and yes I would care for an apple pie. Only the good diet young."


Anonymous said...

Yes, too late for me as well. I can tell by the wattles hanging under my chin that it would not bode well to lose the filling in them.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

It used to be that when I lost that 10 lbs when I was younger, I looked better. I have found that now that I have matured (in the category of "old as dirt), no amount of weight loss is really going to improve my status with the beautiful people.

A day without snickers and wine, is a day without sunshine.

Sharon said...

So funny and so true. Love the line "Life and Bran Begin at 70." I'm in the same spot physically. My dr says to lose 40 lb. But I look at my flab and see it as skinny wattles of chicken skin. Then I go ahead and eat that cookie.

Nurse Mommy said...

Very funny, Jody! Loved the title and the imagery throughout. Great piece.

Jody Worsham said...

Thanks guys. Having another Snicker and Mocha frappe in your honor.

Carol Wood said...

I particularily like the moma bat comment. But how do I erase the image of your hanging flab flying in the trees? That was funny.

Joanne said...

You are too funny! That's for adding to my bank of excuses to not diet!