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Friday, February 4, 2011

Is that Your Liver or Your Heart?!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved to purchase worry beads.

I don't have health issues; I have age issues. But many of my friends are entering that 100,000 mile check point. As if the brown spots that make you look like a slice of raisin bread, the knees that bend only half way, the neck that requires your entire body to rotate if you want to see what's behind you isn't enough, there are now added concerns should you need surgery; or as the insurance people like to say "a procedure." Here is a check list I have created for my 100,000 mile friends.

First, check to see if your surgeon attends AA meetings. Then determine if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Second see if there are toddlers, a newborn, twins, teenagers (or worse twin teenagers) as these can affect the amount of sleep your surgeon has received.

Third, scan the local newspapers for any pending malpractice suits, divorce proceedings, or fallen tree issues on the horizon. These all affect the surgeon's state of mind, finances, and hands.

Fourth, if your surgeon has been happily married for a number of years, they probably have a "special day". You will want to avoid having your procedure the day before that "special day" as his mind is definitely not thinking about your gall stone. If you have your procedure after that "special day", he's still got his mind elsewhere and not on the bunion you are having removed. If you have your procedure on that "special day", you run the risk of having your belly button stapled to your lungs in his rush to get home.

Fifth, schedule your emergency procedure when there is not a weather emergency, such as the wintery blizzard conditions we have been having. The electric companies tend to institute the "rolling brown out" which cuts power to facilities for up to fifteen minutes to conserve energy. Not good when it's you on the operating table.

Sixth, and this is extremely important especially as it relates to number five, make friends with the hospital janitor/engineer. He is the one who periodically checks the hospital's emergency generators to be sure they are working in case of a "rolling brown out". Most importantly, he is the one who has to remember to flip the switch back to AUTOMATIC so the generators will kick on instantly during a "rolling brown out" and you won't be on the operating table… in the dark…while your doctors try to figure out if that's your appendix or your liver they just took out.

Please feel free to copy this checklist and take it with you as you interview doctors for any procedures you may be anticipating in the future. I'm also including the 1-800 number for the psych hotline, the Weather Channel, and Worry-Beads-R-Us. Mention my name for a laugh and a 10% discount.

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