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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Stake Out

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for Camouflage and Dr. Scholes Gel Inserts

My hubby says I watch too much HGTV.  He usually says this whenever I come up with another grand plan to remodel the entire house or paint the paneling.  His reply is always the same “Leave that to your next husband after he wins the lottery.”

The chances of winning the lottery are slim to none and I’ve already invested 50 years in getting used to this hubby so I am going to Plan B.

Plan B is to stake out Home Depot and Lowes and look for the DIY Crashers.  It doesn’t matter what they want to crash ___bath, kitchen, yard, house, ___I need it all.   We started building our house in l973; it is a work in non-progress.  Last Saturday I spent all day at Lowes looking for the crashers.  I wandered the plumbing aisles looking for Matt Muenster, the cabinet aisles looking for Alison Victoria, the garden section for Ahmed Hassan and Matt Blashaw, and the storage section in search of Josh Temple.

I should have worn my glasses.  After asking total strangers if they wanted to follow me home (well, they looked like the men and women of DIY and HGTV), Lowes was beginning to follow me around.  Before they called our local vice squad and my name appeared in the local Crime Report, I bailed for Home Depot in search of the haters: you know, James Young and I Hate My Kitchen, I Hate My Bath with Jeff Devlin , and the new girl Sara Bendrick with I Hate My Yard.

After hanging around Home Depot for the entire afternoon, the only thing I hated more than my house was my aching feet.  Nobody wanted to follow me home.  Nobody offered to fix anything in my house.  Nobody even asked what I was doing there, so I went home.

After reviewing some  episodes of HGTV and DYI, I came to the conclusion I didn’t stage myself properly.   I should have covered the gray in my hair and put on a body Spanx for sure.  Most of the “targets” were young, slim, and trim, and only rarely did I see anyone over the age of 35.   Probably according to their audience demographics, viewers were not interested in seeing bathtubs with rails, raised potties, and roll in showers for the senior citizen group.  From a long term advertisement investment, they would get more mileage out of the 20-35 age group than the older group!

Personally, I think they are missing the boat.  Most of us Baby-Boomers Plus own our own homes which haven’t been updated since the 70’s because we have been busy working, paying bills, and putting our children through college without taking government hand-outs.  We would have updated our mortgage-free homes in our retirement years except 2.3 million of us are raising or caring for our grandchildren. 

 It is easy for designers to create spa like bathrooms, but the challenge is to make an attractive spa like bathroom for seniors that doesn’t look like a physical rehab center.  To be fair I did see an episode where Matt designed a bath for a handicapped young man.  Plant those shrubs, put in that water/fire feature but can you do that and make it low maintenance and economically feasible for persons on a fixed income?  Can you design a kitchen that has non-slip flooring, accessible cabinets, and safety features that are attractive and functional?

Even if you aren’t a Baby Boomer, there are many adults with Baby Boomer parents who would like to see their parents remain in their own homes, independent and safe, or who must now adapt their own homes to accommodate the needs of senior parents who may be moving in with them.

So, HGTV, DIY, that’s your challenge.  In the meantime, I’m going back to Lowes for some paint and lumber.  Forget the hair color, the body Spanx, and the stake out.  Just like the Little Red Hen, I’ll DIM (Do it Myself.)

Ok, I really didn’t do any of that but I thought about it.  And Mother always said “It’s the thought that counts.”


Joanne Noragon said...

Take a close look at those remakes, Judy, and you'll feel better. I grit my teeth and scream in my head at the bad paint jobs. Does no one know how to cut in around a window or at the ceiling any more!!?? Grrrrrr...

But I won't come paint for you. That's what you teach grand kids to do.

Wanda said...

This is a great piece. I can see you in Lowe's. You might be able to convince that you didn't really do it, but I know you.

You should send this to a DIY magazine and one that we or you DIY.

fishducky said...

You should ABSOLUTELY submit it to a makeover magazine!!

jabblog said...

I loved the 'work in non-progress' - that's us to a T. We have been redecorating (not for about thirty years. The Man decided to paint a door a day a couple of years ago. At the rate he's going they won't be finished until 2043.

Lisa Smith Molinari said...

You are so right about the targets of the home improvement shows always being young and thin. No fair! They have more energy to DIY than us old fat people! Funny as usual, Jody!

DWei said...

I can't stand home improvement things, because it makes me feel incompetent.

I really don't trust myself to do any hardware things and I'll probably have to resort to hiring and overpaying to get someone else to do it for me.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Ah, HGTV. You complete me.
I used to do bunches of DIM. But I am getting older. And tired. And like you, MM, I'm going home to my couch. :)