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Thursday, October 11, 2012

There's No Business like No-Business

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for non-writing lessons

The tween-ager seems to have grasped the fundamentals of current 21st century American economics.  If she continues developing such business acumen, I can just imagine the conversation we will have when she is a teenager.

“Mom, I have a new idea for a business: The No Fish Fish Farm.”

“But dear, starting a fish farm requires financial backing.”

“That’s ok.  Because I am under age 30 and female, I can qualify for a low cost business loan to get started.  Also, because my heritage cannot be established, due to sealed court records, I might be part American Indian, in which case I can qualify for all sorts of student grants to attend school to learn about underwater no fish fish farming.”

“Yes, but you are still a tween-ager.”

“No problem.  Age discrimination is a federal offense. "

“Yes, but fish farming is such an unstable market.  What if your fish go belly-up?  Need I remind you of the gold fish incident of a few years ago?”

“No need to worry.  I have studied my history.   Remember that program Cash for Clunkers?  I figure there will be another one like Cash for Crustaceans or Funding for Fish Flops or Credit for Crappie.

“Yes, but…”

“And because I might be part Inuit, my ancestors could have been denied their fishing rights due to great White Sharks so I would be getting more money from the government.   Plus, don’t forget I am adopted.   During the adoption process in court, I was a ward of the state for approximately twenty seconds so that should be good for more entitlements as I am sure I suffered physical stress”

“You were a baby.”

“But I could have had a wet diaper and the State failed to change me in a timely manner.

“For twenty seconds?”

And I’m not forgetting about you.  You could help me a lot.”

“I could?”

“Yes.  You are way over 60, you were a teacher so that puts  you just above the  poverty line,  you are living on a fixed income with  two children under the age of 18, and you started working before Title IX went into effect.”

Thinking I would get her to slip up, I asked “So how much would you pay me to be a non-worker in your no-fish fish farm?”

“That depends on whether or not you left Louisiana because of political persecution.  If you did, then the federal government will give me money to hire and train political refugees to work in my non-business. You did spend a lot of time in Shreveport at the boats… I mean on a boat…right?   And they were definitely against you, right?”

“I, uh, well…yes.”

“Perfect.  I just need you to do one thing for me.”

“Would you do my homework?  I don’t have time.  You know how the government is.   I have a ton of paperwork to do for my No Fish Fish Farm. “

I used to worry about how she would manage as an adult, but she will be fine. It’s America I’m worried about now.   Is there such a thing as a Non Country?


Anonymous said...

AND she got you to do her homework. I smell a fish here.

Jody Worsham said...

Told you she was one smart kooki.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Where do I sign up for some of those things. Maybe I could join one of those adopt a grandmother programs and get a Native American to adopt me. Would that qualify me for anything?

Jody Worsham said...

You are going to adopt me? Yea! We filled out more paperwork and had more follow up questions when we adopted two donkeys from the Fed. gov. than when we adopted the 8 children.