Wednesday, February 22, 2012
On Star, Off Star, On Star, Off....
by Jody Worsham All rights reserved for hieroglyphics translation
We have a tendency to buy a car and drive it until it is ready to fall apart so it was time to start looking. Dr. Hubby called to tell me he had found what we were looking for and was driving it home. "It is really nice and it has several new features that you will enjoy."
That got me to worrying. I have just now learned how to answer "missed calls" on my cell phone and now I have to learn a whole new car? Ok, how many changes could there be in a car in seven years? It's not like it's a computer.
First, I should have read the manual before I backed out of the drive. When I put it in reverse, a picture of a trash can appeared on my rear view mirror. "Hey, a mini TV. Must be Sesame Street."
That's when Dr. Hubby yelled "Stop". It wasn't a TV, but a TV camera and I just bumped our good trash can down the hill. Well, it should come with those beep beep beep back up sounds. Oh, wait it does, but I thought it was the trash truck coming.
On to Wal-Mart. It was a beautiful sunny day even though the back windshield wiper was swishing back and forth. "That's a nice touch," I said out loud to myself as I searched for the OFF button. You'd think there would be a button labeled rear windshield wiper OFF. Not so.
In fact, there are very few words engraved on anything, which leads me to question the I.Q. and reading level of GMC engneers. As I tried to decipher the GMC hieroglyphics of 2011, I realized that the steering wheel was covered in far too many funny little pictures to be just turn signals, brights, and cruise control. I randomly started pushing pictures.
I'm sure the car behind me thought I could not make up my mind as to where I was going as I was signaling left, right, and flashing my hazards all at the same time while squirting water on my windshields, front and back, and the automatic door locks were clicking open and shut. The windows were going up and down and the side mirrors were angling every which way catching the sun and flashing Morse Code like Iwas some kind of naval destroyer alerting everyone to danger.
That's when I noticed additional picture buttons on my rear view mirror. I pushed those. A strange voice from somewhere overhead said "I detect an uninformed driver in this car. I will commence shutting down the engine and will notify the highway patrol that this car has been hijacked and you may be missing."
Flashes of Big Brother and "1984" went through my brain. Who knew the car came equipped with On Star or Big Mama-in-the-sky? I'm sitting stranded in the middle of North Street with a car I suspect is possessed trapped in a seat belt the car refuses to release. At least the horn is in the same place.
Sorry, lady. I see the green light. Ok, my mind just drifted off for a few minutes. Stress, new car.
Later that night under the full moon as I looked out from my bedroom window, I swear that car was staring at me. I looked up at the starry night and I wondered which one was On Star...but more importantly....which one was Off Star?