When A Good Culture Goes Bad

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved to pay for Culinary Insurance

 Recently I was following an actual recipe that called for sour cream.  I was in luck.  I had some in the refrigerator.  I know because two months ago when I was cleaning out the refrigerator, I saw some.  Now at the insistence of my friends, my insurance company, and the hospital staff at “Good Lord, She’s Cooking Again”, I have learned to consult expiration dates on anything currently in my refrigerator that I, the family, or any seemingly healthy wild animal might consume.

But here’s the thing.  When does Sour Cream go bad?  I mean the very name is a contradiction …Sour…Cream.   The carton bore no expiration date, only a Sell by Date.  Is there an assumption that if the sour cream is not bought by a certain date then it will what? Go sour? Or will it remain freshly sour indefinitely?   Do they assume that if you buy it say after six months of being on the shelf, then you will use it before the thing sits in your refrigerator for the next six months?  Well, they don’t know me.  Still…how do you know if it is safe to use? 

Well, I e-mail my friends and they reply, quickly.  One suggested that if the dog refuses to eat or bury it, it is probably bad.  Another thought that fuzzy green/black stuff growing on the top would be a good indication to toss it.  Still another loudly admonished me “IT’S SOUR.  IT’S SUPPOSED TO SMELL BAD.”  My southern friends hold to the belief that if you are going to cook with it, there is no statute of limitations on sour cream.  A more intellectual friend gave me a long discourse on milk cultures, bacteria, the making of cheese, sour cream, and the very cultured Elsie the Cow at the opera.  I don’t think my Sour Cream is cultured.  I caught it watching WW Wrestling while sitting on my counter.

Still, I didn’t want my insurance premiums going up again, so I decided to substitute something else for the sour cream.  I went to the freezer.  I figured the electricity hadn’t been off that long during our last storm to cause any real damage…or growths.  I found a box of Creamed Spinach.  Ok, that’s cream and if the electricity had been off a little longer than I had thought, that might make it sour cream.  I continued reading the label, you know, just in case there was this limitation on thawed creamed spinach.  As I read on I discovered that it was made with artificial cream with a long list of totally unpronounceable additives and other assorted chemicals.

 Problem solved.

 I continued following my recipe substituting the artificial and chemically preserved creamed spinach for the questionable sour cream.  You can’t go wrong with USDA approved preservatives and fake, possibly sour, cream.

 After all, we are still eating those left over Twinkies from my 1962 graduation party, but don’t tell Blue Cross.

If China Owned U.S.

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for Chop Stick Lessons

With the impending bankruptcy of Hostess, another American icon slips from our grocery shelves and Indian owned convenience stores soon, no doubt, to be bought up by the Chinese to satisfy their yen for all things American. Twinkies, 100% unnatural preservatives and sugar could be replaced with a centuries old recipe of herbs, spices, and rice called Wing Ding Dongs.

This lead me to thinking of other American businesses and what would happen to those mainstay products of American life should the Chinese acquire them.

Would Kentucky Fried Chicken replace their grilled, original, crispy chicken with Chee Kin Don Wong?

Would ExLax become Ma-Ka-U-Go and Pepto Bismal become Ma-ka-U- No-Go?

If they bought out all the pedicure salons, would all pedicure franchises be sold by Mee Doo Toe?

I could see them consolidating Dish, Direct TV, and the cable companies into Moo Goo Fa U Brains.

McDonald's, being such an international company might keep its name, but the menu might feature the McChang Double Decker Duck Tongue and nobody would want to know the ingredients in the secret sauce.

Would Wal-Mart become The Great Wall- n-Cart?

Would UPS become U Pick-up Self or Unicycle Pick-up Service?

Would the American acronym CBS become the Chinese Buying System?

Once all businesses had become Chinese owned, might they then take on education and introduce their very successful program in mainland China, No Wok Left Behind?

I'm sure our government would bail out Hostess if they could get another loan from China.

In the meantime, I am going to do my part and support Hostess by scarfing down as many Twinkies, Snowballs, Wonder Bread, Ding Dongs, Mini-muffins, and cupcakes as my stretch jeans will allow! It's my American duty.