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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Run, Jane, Run! Sweat! Sweat! Sweat!

By Jody Worsham, Jan. 2011

All rights reserved for pink spandex

I recently wrote some gym rules for my friend Jim who is going to his new gym. In fairness, I think I should include some rules for my friend Jane.

First, Jane, do not sign a contract for the gym for more than one month unless you think guilt will be a good motivator. You know, the way you are when you go to an All You Can Eat Buffet. You figured you paid for it so you should eat everything in sight, hence the need for a gym.

Second, while spandex is not Jim's friend, it could be yours provided the garment is constructed in the same way as Michelin tires; steel radials. Anything less than steel can cause a major spandex blow-out, especially if you try lifting weights. Not pretty.

Third, like Jim, you need to avoid vegetables before a workout, but you also need to add dairy to that list. Nothing says bloating like milk and cheese at your age. You definitely don't want You-Know-Who asking when you're due!

Fourth, no matter how hard the exercises, how heavy the weights, do not make any sounds while you are working out. Plaster those collagen, botoxed lips shut; otherwise you will sound like a hippopotamus in mating mode…or a really bad porno-for-fat-people movie.

Fifth, carry a bottle of Fiji water around with you. Yes, I know it is $6 a bottle. Just buy one for the bottle and keep filling it from the tap at home. You will look informed and nobody will know the difference.

Sixth, wear make-up to the gym, but make sure it is water-proof, smear-proof, sweat-proof, and drip proof. If you really are planning on sweating, pardon me perspiring, I suggest a long sleeve top so you can tape bars of soap (preferably Irish Spring) under your arm pits. Not only will you smell better, but when you work up lather, you know it's time to take a break.

Seventh, X marks the spot. Most gyms now have those heart fibrilater boxes on the wall in case of heart attacks. The instructions say to place the electrodes on women just below the breast. Unless you want them super charging your belly button, I suggest you make a big X on your spandex top where your breasts used to be.

Eighth relates to mirrors. Avoid them. If one look in the mirror at home sent you to the gym, imagine that sight reflected back and forth off multiple mirrors. You don't want to go into cardiac arrest the first day, especially if you haven't yet marked the spot.

If the gym experience doesn't work out, you can sell your cars and vacuum cleaners, fire the maid, carry out your own garbage, hang clothes on the solar dryer (clothes line) and literally run errands yourself. Results are the same, just no spandex.

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