Oooooooh, Sam! My, My!

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved because I am, somewhat.

Some people think I am addicted to Wally-Word but I live out in the country and it's too far to go home between ballet lessons, violin lessons, Girl Scouts, and basketball practice so I come to Wally-World. I find lots of last-minute per cent-off-while-supplies-last bargains because of that. Needless to say I have enough Christmas wrapping paper and decorations to last till 2025, also cat litter in case I ever get a cat.

I note changes at Wally-World the way some people note the seasonal changes by watching birds migrate south, or the falling leaves. It may be August, but I know fall is near because all the Halloween costumes are already on display right next to the Thanksgiving table cloths and straw cornucopias. By October the garden center is decked out in Christmas decorations and those foot massagers that only appear once a year.

Even though I have no idea the actual date of the game, I know it is nearly time for Super Bowl Sunday because the seasonal aisles right in the center of the store, closest to the registers that are never open, are jam packed with things other than marked down Christmas items. And this brings me to a point of contention I have with my store of choice regarding their aisle closest to the entrance door.

No matter which entrance I use, or which random row of nested carts I select, I will always find the car with the three good wheels and the one flat wheel. As I wobbled down the aisles next to the closed registers I noticed the marketing theme did not seem to center on Super Bowl Sunday but on physical fitness, perhaps due to the number one New Year's Resolution "Get into better shape". I noted the yoga fitness mats, the Gatorade, the vitamins, wheat germ, the protein bars, that five hour energy shot drink, and a rather large area devoted to Epson Salts. Then, at the very end of the aisle, there was a rather large display for an item that is usually discreetly placed on the lower shelf near the pharmacy counter.

What were those doing here? At the front of the store? Among the build a better body items? Am I such a prude? Ok, that's a yes. Had corporate Wally-World marketing researchers been hit with too many ads for Viagra? Had the vice president in charge of End of the Aisle Display just become an avid member of Planned Parenthood? Or were the night time shelf-stockers playing a joke?

I didn't ask. I quickly left that aisle and headed for the check-out stand, the one that was open at the far end of the store. Once I got home I began to wonder. Did I really see what I thought I saw? Maybe it was an advertisement for condominiums and my eyesight was playing tricks on me. Maybe it was a display for key chains or hand warmers with the name of that UCLA football team emblazoned on the items. I had to be sure. Back to Wally-World with phone camera in hand.

Unfortunately, I was right the first time and now I looked like some kind of senior citizen pervert taking pictures of the not afore mentioned item. As I was leaving that aisle, I saw an employee in that very recognizable vest who was collecting cash drawers.

"Do you know what is on that aisle?' I asked.

"The one with all the health items on the clearance aisle?" she said.

They put them on clearance? "Yes." I gulped.

"Not surprising, got to get rid of them some way."

At least that's what I think she said. I was making a hasty exit as I contemplated the full ramifications of what I had heard, and before she could ask how many I wanted and burst out laughing.

Maybe I'll just hang out at the library from now on, in the cooking section.