Smart Cars are Too...

By Jody Worsham, co author "Kin We're Not Related To"

All rights reserved for “Driving for Dummies”  

“Tower, this is Medicare Mom Six-Niner, ready for takeoff.”

“I read you loud and clear Medicare Mom.  I have you on GPS and a visual. Rear camera is alive. Dogs, bicycles, and fences are out of range.  You are cleared for takeoff. Start your engine.

“Engine START.”

“Medicare Mom this is the tower; voice recognition is not available on this model.  Use the key."

“Roger that Tower.  Inserting the key, ignition ignited, now adjusting seat elevation.”

“Roger that; you are doing fine.”

“Tower, the running lights are malfunctioning.”

 “That’s because you activated the rear windshield wiper."

“Turning off the windshield wiper….now.”

“That’s the alarm.”

“Disengaging the alarm…now.”

“On Star how may I help you?”

“Disengaging On Star….now.”

“That’s the radio.”

 

“On Star, do you need assistance?"

“Re-disengaging On Star…now."

“Medicare Mom, this is the Tower.   Just hit menu”.

“Oh, good, can I order McDonald’s now?”

 “No.  That is the menu for selecting which screen you want.”

“I knew that.  Tower, would you check the thermal readings.  It seems a bit warm.”

“Thermal readings are within normal range.  You have activated the driver’s seat seat warmer.   Locate the thermal seat actuator, located to your right below Screen A, disengage by tapping not swiping.”

“Tower, Medicare Mom here, could you repeat that. The windows are fogging up."

“Medicare Mom , below Screen A.”

“Tower, searching for Screen A, is that for the air conditioner?  Is it that a red button”

“No.  Do not touch the red button.  I repeat, do not touch the red button."

 “Tower, if the red button is for air conditioner, I’m touching it.”

“Medicare Mom, the red button is SOS.  It is a special button to be used only in emergencies.  Do you copy?”

“Tower, I copy.  The red button, SOS, Stamp Out Stupidity. Must be used in D.C. a lot.  Tower it is HOT in here."

“Tell you what we are going to do, Medicare Mom.  Look to your right… that’s your left...right RIGHT.  Now look for the picture of a chair with wavy lines coming off of it. That is the car seat seat warmer.  Push that little BLACK square with your finger.”

“Pushing BLACK square ...now.  Thanks, Tower.  Temperature is dropping.”

“So am I, dropping off duty that is.  Medicare Mom, I’m turning you over to Supervisor Bitt. He will take it from here.”

“Medicare Mom Six-Niner, this is Ray.  Let’s take this one step at a time.”

“Roger, Ray Bitt.”
 

 

...And a Half!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for candles and a fire extinguisher

Remember when you were a kid and you were asked how old you were?  If you were very young you might hold up two fingers or three.  Later you would proudly say that you were five and a half.  As you got older you would announce to the entire world that you were twelve going on thirteen.  Your sixteenth birthday may have found you driving, legally.  And at eighteen you were old enough to quit school, marry and/or move out on your own if you were dumb enough to do so.  

Twenty was a bit awkward for most people.  You were no longer a teenager and not old enough to vote but you were old enough to marry so I did.  Approaching the “Don’t trust anyone over thirty” birthday was no big deal because most of us didn’t trust anyone anyway.    My fortieth and fiftieth birthdays were barely acknowledged amidst the birthdays and graduations of six children.

My sixtieth birthday found me retiring from the school where I had taught for 37 years and going to a new school because of (shock of all shocks) Social Security.  It seemed I needed the benefits of my husband’s social security so I had to retire to be rehired. When did the need for social security sneak up on me? Then, just as I was getting semi-comfortable with the concept of Senior Citizen, I was surprised with “Congratulations! You are now the mother of a one day old and a three year old.  Children say hello to your Medicare Mom.” 

Is it no wonder that during this decade of my life only those with a death wish would ask my age and only those who survived to tell their friends would have any inkling of what I said.

The days of telling my age on the fingers of one hand have long gone.  Heck telling my age on my fingers and toes plus the fingers and toes of all my children have been gone a long time.  However, I have adopted the mental age reference of a five year old.

 I am now something-something and a half.  In a few months I will be something-something and three-quarters.  By fall I will be something-something and five-sixths.  By late fall I will be something-something and eleven twelfths. 

By January of next year I will have reached the age of “Shut your mouth before I max out the credit cards, bankrupt social security, apply for a reverse mortgage on the double wide, and move in with you…in Arkansas.”

Like Maxine, I have survived the Stone Age, the Ice Age, the Bronze Age, the Tween-Age, the Teen Age, the New Age, the Hot Flash Age, and the Age of Accountability.

And by all accounts I have now reached Old Age.

 Better have the fire extinguisher ready for my next birthday cake.  It’s going to get HOT!

Been There, Done That, Doing It Again!

by Jody Worsham, All rights reserved for….I forget.

When the adoption worker recovered from my announcement that we planned to adopt six children, she asked “What do you see yourself doing when they are all grown?” I replied “I can’t imagine myself without children around.” Those prophetic words came true on April 13, 2005 when we adopted our one day old grandson and his three-year-old sister. Medicare, Social Security, and diapers. Oh, my!

According to the 2000 Census two and one half million grandparents, for whatever reason, found themselves once again in the full time role of parenting their grandchildren. I have now joined that group. Once you adjust to the idea that your golden years are going to be spent under the golden arches and any hopes of a having long uninterrupted conversations with your spouse will only happen either early in the morning before the children are awake, or in the evening just before you fall asleep, life will go on but with some adjustments.

At first you may feel that you are the odd duck, the oldest parent at PTA meetings, the only senior citizen with children tagging along at the AARP meetings, or finding you are the only person having to show court documents before the doctor will give your child immunization shots. But you will also find that you can knowledgably converse with a larger group of people on a wider range of subjects: Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, the newest Mario Brothers DS video game, your state’s position on Medicare reform, what foods effectively reduce cholesterol, and where you were when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon. You fit in everywhere!

You will be amazed at the things you and the children will have in common. For example:
1. You both need naps or you will be cranky.
2. You both will enjoy Senior Citizen and children discounts at movies and fast food chains.
3. You can see the speed limit sign far away and they can see the speedometer up close so they can tell you if you are speeding before the nice policeman does.
4. You both have to have things repeated to you at times.
5. You both fall asleep during a movie.
6. You both need lots of potty breaks on long trips.
7. There is time for a thousand “whys?” to be answered with something besides a thousand “becauses”.
8. You take time for what is really important, smelling the flowers, watching the clouds, discovering a bug, and hugging tightly.
9. You both realize how important you are to each other and say so, often.
10. Hurry isn’t something either of you do.

I really couldn’t imagine my life without children. And now, I don’t have to. There is a reason they are called the golden years and sometimes the gold comes in the form of children who need you and whom you need just as much.