I Been Framed!

By Jody Worsham

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When my eight-year-old said he volunteered me as the Dynasty lady to do face painting at his school’s annual field day, I was flattered.  I had visions of a mature Linda Evans in a designer gown, dripping in diamonds painting unicorns and fairies on sweet little faces;  so of course, I said yes.   Then he asked me if I knew how to paint a good duck, and the other shoe fell.  I lied and said yes.

I signed up for a two hour session; that way I had a way out if needed.  Face painting would involve sitting down, under a shade.  How hard could that be?  Besides, I already had my own brushes. 

I arrived early as instructed with paint brushes in hand and my Shakespeare printed apron on. My three other face painters and I were taken outdoors to a covered area with tables and chairs.  The lady in charge gave us our instructions.

“We have thirty minutes with each grade for face painting so don’t get too elaborate or take too long with each design.  Second grade will be arriving …just….about...Now.”  And we were off.

My eight-year-old was in the second grade group.  He spotted me right away.

“Here she is guys.  The best Duck Dynasty drawer ever.  Just tell her what you want.”

I went from visions of Linda Evans drawing cute Donald Ducks to Miss Kate drawing dead birds and road kill.

“I want Si’s tea glass.”

“I want a duck flying this way.”

“Do me Phil’s beard.” 

For the next fifteen minutes I slapped face paint on every Duck Dynasty fan in the second grade, which turned out to be most of them.  While my artistry was not the best in the group of volunteers, the line was definitely longest in front of my station.

During the short break between groups, the other volunteers asked me how to do the Duck Dynasty drawings, I lied again…told them.  When the next group, which was the first graders, arrived I heard:

“If you want Duck Dynasty line up behind this lady.”

Over the course of my two-hour-turned-four-hour session of face painting, I made several discoveries.

First, face paint will not stick to sweaty faces; it just drips off.  If the class is coming to you after a thirty minute session in the Jump House, blot faces repeatedly with paper towels.

Second, the younger they are, they more truthful they are.  “That doesn’t look like a duck.”  “Can you wipe that off and do it again.”  “You ever done this before?”  “Willie’s beard is more blackish.”

Third, kindergarten children have total faith in your ability. “I want Phil’s beard and a duck flying up high on my forehead with Si’s tea glass in its beak and a rainbow on this cheek.”

Fourth, fourth graders develop crushes early.  “I want a heart with John Luke’s name in the middle.”  “I don’t want a duck, just lots of hearts with John Luke, Phil, Si, Willie, and Jase and my name in the middle.”

Fifth, third graders are into BFF’s, flaming basketballs, baseballs, and camo.  Forget face painting designs.  I was now writing” Macy’s BFF is Suzie down the left arm, then adding “And Sara, Rachel, and Katherine” on return visits on the right arm.  The boys wanted basketballs and baseballs with flames covering the entire face.  Those that could not decide on their favorite Duck Dynasty person settled for complete facial camouflage.

And finally and most importantly, I discovered that there is a generation gap of several decades between “Dynasties”.

Next time I will double check my “frame of reference”.   One man’s Linda Evans is another man’s Miss Kate.