The Mayan Appliance Calendar

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for a can of spray paint.

My hubby is of the opinion that updating the house is a waste of time and money; it will all come back in style sooner or later.  That is why our house, started in the early 70’s as a cash then build project, has never been updated; actually, it has never been finished but that is another story.  If I talk about knocking out the wall between the den and the kitchen for an “open concept”, he reminds me of the early years in the house when we only had studs separating the kitchen from the den and I couldn’t wait until he got a wall up.

“Just wait a few more years and we will be back in style.  Remember the appliances? ” he said.

Ah, the appliances.  We have been a pay- as-you-go couple for our entire married life so early shopping for appliances always found us at the damaged goods warehouse or the discounted aisles looking for appliances with minor dents, dings, or scratches at much lower prices.  That is why I once had an avocado dryer, a harvest gold washer, and a white refrigerator.  As all of you appliance owners know, appliances do not break down at the same time.  It is a universal law.  So by the time the avocado dryer went out, harvest gold was no longer in style or available.  I then had a white slightly scratched dryer and a harvest gold washer.  When the harvest gold washer finally died, stainless steel was all the rage, but stainless steel doesn’t scratch or dent as easily, so I had to revert back to a slightly scratched white washer.  At least they matched…in color, not brand or style.

When we were able to finish the kitchen, black appliances were “in”.  To save money, I had to choose a white cook-top.  It matched the refrigerator, but I wanted something…anything in style so I opted for a black glass oven, a white dishwasher with a door converter kit to change the door to black , and a black trash smasher.   When the oven door finally fell off its hinges and had to be replaced, stainless steel was all the rage. But that would leave me in a kitchen with a white cook-top, white refrigerator, black dishwasher and a stainless steel oven and a hole where the trash smasher used to be.  We did not replace that.  That was too much variety even for me.  I would go all black…eventually… starting with a black glass oven.  The white refrigerator got moved to the guest house a few years later and was replaced with a shiny black one. 

But wouldn’t you know it?  The only appliance NOT to disintegrate, fall apart, rust out, or break in thirty-five years is the white cook-top.  It stands on the black countertop like an ancient light house guiding midnight snackers toward the fridge.  You might ask “Why not just replace the cook-top?”  Three words: Not broken yet!  

I am still adding to the appliance savings jar.  That cook-top has got to break sometime, and when it does, I will be ready to purchase a slightly dented/scratched white or stainless steel or avocado or harvest gold or quite possibly…if the planets and electronics align correctly… a black matching cook-top!

Hubby says that will never happen.  “But don’t worry; by the time our appliances break down again, all those HGTV shows you watch will be combining different colored appliances into a    ‘Retro Kitchen’ and you will be right in style.  Just wait.”

I bet that’s what the Mayan Calendar Maker told his wife just as he was writing “December 12, 2012”.