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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The Birds and the Bees and Males

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for bee repellant and bird cages

Yes, it is springtime.  The groundhog is off the hook finally, and the world blossoms once again. 

Each spring young people shed shapeless bulky sweaters and sweatpants and replace them with shorts and tank tops, revealing curves and abs that weren’t there in the fall.  Notice I said young people.  The birds and the bees are buzzing and twittering.  Love is in the air…and on every mind. Time for “the talk.”  It is every parent’s worst nightmare.

It is time for mom to sit down with the young females and give them the facts.  These days she can skip all the biological and physiology aspects associated with a maturing body.  The kids have internet and access to television soap operas; they already know that part.  Mom has to give them the real facts about dealing with the male of their species.  It might go something like this:

“Daughters, males are different from us in the most important ways.  Males do not have an internal compass even though they think they do.  They will never ask for directions, read a map, or consult On Star.  For this reason, whenever you leave the house with a male, especially when in his car, it is your responsibility to see that there is a full tank of gas, there is a supply of food, water, a thermal survival blanket, an umbrella, and a fully charged cell phone.

Similarly, males do not read instructions of any kind.  Look for extra screws, bolts, nails, or parts when a male has finished assembling something.  If you sit, rock, fold, or pull on anything assembled by a male, do so at your own risk.  For the sake of your future children’s happiness, allow at least eight weeks for “Santa” to assemble something if you want it on Christmas Eve.  If you don’t, you may find yourself inventing stories about a kind and benevolent St. Valentine who flies though the air delivering special Valentine swing sets on February 14.

Likewise, males have no sense of balance.  If the pergola seems to be listing to the left, they will tell you to tilt your head to the left rather than adjust the posts.  For them a balanced meal is equal parts alcoholic beverage and red meat.  Fruits and vegetables are for rabbits and women on a diet. If these were eaten by males, it would interfere with the plaque build-up in their arteries.  You will have to be sneaky with your cooking. 

Males never outgrow toys.  When young, you may find them playing with a bee bee guns.  When they are older the bee bee gun will have morphed into several shotguns, deer rifles, pistols, and anything requiring gunpowder and a trigger. This is especially true of southern males.  Be prepared to negotiate a peace treaty at birthday parties when your husband and young son get into arguments over whose turn it is to shoot the new bee bee gun at the target. 

Males have ears that are specifically designed to filter out baby cries at 3a.m. or unidentified strange noises in the night.  Be prepared to defend yourself from intruders.  On the other hand, they have extremely sharp eyesight when it comes to identifying a six-point or an eight-point buck.  They also have the ability to focus in on a subject no matter what is going on around them.  For example, the Dallas Cowboys are playing. It’s the fourth quarter, fourth down on the one yard line with ten seconds on the clock and a field goal could make the Cowboys Super Bowl champs.  A firewoman would have to physically pry the male away from the TV and out him of his burning house.  A fireMAN would wait for the commercial. 

There is also a special hollow spot in the male’s brain.  Its specific purpose is to freeze all hints that have to do with presents.  Because of this, hints about presents cannot be processed by the male.  I discovered this when I “hinted” to your Dad that for Christmas I wanted something shiny that reflected light brilliantly for my hand. He got me a stainless steel spatula.   Also the male’s brain synapses will often misfire when given a choice between two possible presents.  Once I told your father that for our anniversary I wanted a new car or a bunch of bananas.  I got a lovely bunch of bananas because as he said “I know how much you like banana pudding.  I did good, huh?”  For the male, you must spell it out, and I mean spell it out.

Now I love your Dad, who is male, but these are the real facts of life no matter what you were told in health class.”

While I am not speaking about you, my male reader specifically, I bet you or your significant other know somebody just like the above.

 And yes, this “talk” will go viral and be repeated around the globe again next spring.

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