Advice from Cousin Earletta

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for rip and tear sheets.

I have a real treat in store for you.  My Cousin Earletta has agreed to be my guest blogger and share some of her advice.  Cousin Earletta self-publishes a newspaper called “The Sharp Pine Needle” which is delivered by Billy Bob on his bicycle.  It’s called “You Asked For It.”  Go ahead Cousin Earletta. Oh, and if you have questions for Cousin Earletta, just contact her at grinsandgroans (at) yahoo.com

“Well, thank you Cousin.  With everybody pussy footin’ around trying to be politically correct, no one is giving any advice worth taking.  So I am here to give you some honest, straight from the hip, no  ‘holes’ barred,  good common sense advice that only an older mature Southerner can give.  So remember “YOU ASKED FOR IT”.

To Lost in Seattle.  You must be in that generation that uses “Finding Myself” as an excuse to live off your mama or your uncle.  If you haven’t found yourself by now chances are you ain’t looking in the right places.  Get a map.  Better yet, get a job.  Your Uncle Sam is going through my money faster than I can make it.

To Benched.  Yes, God created everybody equal… in the beginning, but gene pools ain’t the same and yours might be kinda  shallow.  I know it’s hard sitting on the bench your senior year when all of your friends are in the startin’ line up, but let’s be real.  At 4 ft. 3 inches, you ain’t goin’ to be playing post on the basketball team.   You will get your chance when Donkey Basketball comes to town.

To Bearded Lady.  My Aunt Lulabelle had the same problem only with her upper lip. She could have passed as a direct descendent from Hitler.   Only her problem began when she was nine.  She tried waxing, shaving, electrolysis, plucking, and bought every known gadget that ever appeared on the TV.  Once she even tried a blow torch.  Well it wasn’t a real blow torch, just one of those little hand held butane torches you use to start a brush fire.  It did the trick alright, for a while, but the moustache grew back long before her eyebrows.  So I’m going to give you the same advice my Mama gave her.  Save those moustache cups you get for Christmas every year and one day when you get Wi-Fi, you can sell your antique moustache cup collection on e-bay for hundreds of dollars.  Course in your case that wouldn’t work.  Have you tried employment in the circus?

To Congress.  Quit.  Go home.  That’s the best advice I can give you for the good of the country.

To Johnny Football.  Yes, I think they are after your body so run, boy, run.  Oh, and hold out for the Sports Illustrated Male Swimwear edition. I know they don’t have one yet, but the women of America will be heard and soon.

To Confused in Utah.  Yes, yes, no, maybe and I don’t think that is legal even in Utah.  Try it in Nevada,

To Invaded by Blow-ups.  Some people call it yard art.  Yes, 65 Christmas blow-up decorations in the yard next door may sound like Darth Vader with a severe case of asthma but stop being a Scrooge and join the fun…or get a pellet gun.

Well, that’s all the advice I have for right now.  If I stepped on your toes, too bad, You Asked For It!"

Thank you, Cousin Earletta, I think.  Remember if you need advice just e-mail Cousin Earletta at grinsandgroans (at) yahoo.com