Wal-Nut

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for nut cracker

I am a Wal-nut. I admit it. I fancy myself as the true shopper all those in the blue vest seek. My face has appeared on their security cameras so often that I expect to see my face on the Wal-Mart Wall of Fame. I shop there two, three times a day.

When I walk through the door their stock immediately jumps 3 points. I head for the red helium balloons with “clearance” marked on them. If the balloons are above the cat food aisle, that’s where I go. It matters not that I have no cat. I might someday and it’s always good to be prepared.

And I am not alone in my quest for Clearance. Dr. Hubby came home with a truck load of clearance items marked 75% off last night, so of course we had to go back this morning in case there was anything left. There was; now there isn’t.

As the result of our quest, we have six backpacks because they were $3.50 each and 10 cases of assorted worms, hooks, lines, and sinkers because they were $10.75 and were now $1.25 “The boxes alone sell for $3,” my logical husband reasoned. We also have baseball gloves and two tennis rackets in case the kids decide they want to play tennis in the future and our dollar has shrunk even further. We own enough Deer Scrape, lick, salt, and scent to keep Santa’s reindeer happy till the next millennium or until deer season opens. Eight bright orange knit caps were acquired for 50 cents each so that each member of the family would have one to wear should we ever decide to have a family picnic in the woods during deer season or a family reunion on the side of the road. A crock pot for a Coleman stove (who knew?), two seven foot diameter inner tubes to pull the kids behind the ski boat, 2 nylon clothes lines advertised as solar dryers, six popup trash cans, seven hammocks to be strategically placed around the property (never know when you might need a nap and you are too tired to walk ten feet to the house), canvas cylindrical nylon bags with carrying totes (why would you need a bag to carry a bag? but they were only $2.25 each so we got two,) a knife and fork probably inspired by Jim Bowie judging from the size, two first aid kits because well, we have two kids, and thirty-five packets of assorted things that were extremely cheap and well, you never know when you might need an extremely cheap packet of something, and nine feet of red rope lights (I have no idea what he had in mind for those) rounded out our purchases.

I know there are those who are Wal-Nots, even Wal-Nevers. There are even the extremists “Rather be Wal-Dead” and that is ok. Everyone to their own addiction or affliction. But when the dollar shrinks to the size of a postage stamp, and with as much buying power, and you didn’t buy gold off the internet, you’ll be coming to me for some of my 75% off clearance items. You won’t have any trouble finding my place. I’ll put a yellow smiley face on my mail box and I’ll be wearing a maroon vest, a step above the blue vest. And I will gladly share…for a price.

Sam Walton would be so proud…a mini Yard-Mart!