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Sunday, September 18, 2011

Check, Please!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for 360 degree full length anti-magnifying mirror

When my children were younger, I employed the Mama Cat cleaning method for the on-the-way-to-church-and-just-before-we-arrived check. Keep in mind, Mothers have done this for centuries and this was before zip-lock bags with a wet wash cloth or wet wipes. With six children in the confined space of a van, all at one time, I had the chance to make a final check before we went inside the church. Lick finger, wipe smidgen of jelly from cheek amid screams of "Eeeeeuuu, spit, nooooooo!"

Getting six children up, fed, and dressed along with myself was a running battle, literally. As soon as you chased one down and dressed him with a semi-matching outfit and clean socks, the fashion diva would streak by wearing a tutu and nothing else declaring she was ready for church. No one was surprised when the church nursery worker discovered that I had often forgotten to put diapers on the toddlers.

Fast forward to the teen years. The Mama Cat method is no longer needed as the teens have discovered body wash, lotion, conditioners, deodorants, after shave cologne, powder, lip balm, Clearasil, perfume and make-up. Before leaving the house, the teens had to subject themselves to the "bend over and touch your toes" method for blouses that may be too low or skirts that were too short. "Boy, your car is on fire. Run and put it out". If their pants were too baggy to "save" the car, they failed the insurance test and had to change. Girls also had to pass the white towel check for make-up. After blotting, if there was a distinct imprint resembling Tammy Faye, the make-up had to come off.

Now that I have entered my senior years, the children are seeking their revenge. They want to install full sized magnifying mirrors if I continue to fail the "Dripped your breakfast on your shirt this morning, did you?" Check.

I admit as senior citizens our eyesight isn't what it used to be. In fact, nothing is like it used to be, so I am suggesting that before we go out to meet the public, open the door, or the children come over, we should have a "Senior Check." If we had had Senior Check, my friend would not have shown up at work wearing white slacks. It was before Labor Day so that wasn't the problem. The problem was she was wearing bright orange underwear. I should have told her. The fact that she lives 600 miles away was no excuse; we do have web cams on our computers if we only knew how to use them.

For those of you entering the Senior Check Phase, allow me to offer some suggestions. Before going out, besides checking the obvious, are you wearing clothes? here are a few things to look for:

  1. Pants zipped…up Check

  2. Two matching earrings, one on each ear, check

  3. Bra on, cups in front…check

  4. Shoes at least in the same color family preferably with the same heel height… check and check

  5. No evidence of previous meals anywhere… check

  6. Make-up application/colors close to the style for this decade …check

  7. Lipstick applied to actual lips, not where lips used to be …check

  8. No sleeveless clothing unless wearing accompanying jacket… Check

  9. No flip-flops or backless sandals unless you have used the Pedi-egg or #8 grit sandpaper with Black and Decker power sander within the last few hours... Check

  10. White underwear, white slacks... Check, Check and Double Check!

Just by following this simple list, you may never have to experience "Oh Mother, before we go, you've got a bit of bran muffin stuck to your cheek. Just let me get that ..."

" Eeeeeuuuuuu, (spit), noooo!"


mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I run a check list for the hubby every time he leaves the aids/glasses/sun glasses/watch/cel phone/batteries for hearing aid/wallet/change purse/comb/keys. It is so long that sometimes I forget and walk out in my slippers.

Catherine said...


Joanne said...

No evidence of previous meals should be top of the list! But, you covered it. Thanks.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Unfortunately, been there, done most of that. Some of it was done before the Senior blindness set in, so I did not even have that excuse.

Sharon said...

Hilarious! I think I'll hang this next to my mirror.

I have trouble with #2 - earrings. Don't forget to add "wipe mascara out of lines under eyes" to #7.

Jeanne said...

The food part is difficult. No sooner do you inspect it, then you go out to eat and there it is again. It attracts other food items.
My husband is particularly fond of forgetting his wallet. One memorable night neither one of us had a phone, I did not bring my purse, and George did not have a wallet. We met at a restaurant for a meeting with friends. We each had a glass of water. That was it.

Wanda said...

You've been watching me again or reading my confessions. Hilarious. Just wish I had read it before I left home this morning.