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Friday, September 30, 2011

Before the Before

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for Photo Shoot…preferable with a shotgun.

When you see those television commercials with the Before and After photos, do you find yourself scrutinizing the two photos to see if it is really the same person? Granted if you lose 300 pounds you are going to look different, but does that weight loss also affect the size of your head or the length of your ears? The Before Photo shows the fat person with scraggly hair, wearing baggy clothes and a frown looking full front into the camera. The After Photo always features the person with a lovely hair-do, stylish clothing, a big white Crest smile, and the body torqued in such a way that the least amount of waistline is facing the camera. Any fisherman worth his weight in big mouth bass knows those camera tricks.

All this got me to thinking of a way to supplement my non-existent unpublished writing fund. I call it my Before the Before Concept. I figure I am the perfect universal Before picture. Put some baggy saggy ugly clothes (right out of my closet) on me, bring the camera up close, and I am the perfect Before Jenny Craig photo. Even if the After person only lost five pounds, dress her up, put on some make-up, back the camera way off and there you have it… a perfect size two compared to the Before photo.

But weight is just the start. I am the ultimate Before Rogaine. Shoot the top of my head, photo shop the gray hair to whatever shade the After Rogaine has and voila! Remember, they never show the Before person's face. Photograph my ugly toes, rough heels, bitten ragged fingernails, and I can corner the Before market for Pedicures, Pedi-Eggs, and Press-on-Nails. The good thing is that even the slightest improvement on my look-a-like would be sure to gross millions in increased product sales when compared to the Before. I am a marketing gold mine! One photo shoot fits all.

So while I'm waiting for that publishing contract to arrive in the mail, I'm standing by the phone waiting for that call from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Rogaine, Bare Minerals, Pedi-Egg, and Press-on-Nails. And the best part is no talent or preparation required. I just have to be myself!

Wonder why no one has called?



Anonymous said...

Maybe being just a tad hard on yourself there? Actually, if you want a "before" on Rogaine you should probably use my head. There's an awful lot of it showing these days.

Joanne Noragon said...

We have geriatric homeowners wobbling on ladders before they have leaf proof gutters installed. I have the perfect over the hill physique for that. Thanks for the laugh.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I think the "Before" market is a great idea. There may be quite a few of us though vying for the jobs.

Sharon said...

Move over, Jody. They'll hire me for "before" before they hire you for "before." You're way too hard on yourself, friend. Sleep away the weekend. You'll feel better on Monday.

Anonymous said...

Keep on keepin' on! More power to you!