What I Learned on Late Night TV

by Jody Worsham, all rights reserved for NyQuil, Lunesta, Tylenol PM

Never drink two glasses of iced tea before bed; between the caffeine and extra liquids, you won't get any sleep.

However, while flipping through 150 channels last night, I discovered some interesting tidbits not available during the daylight hours. For example:

1) If YOU ARE DEAD OR HAVE SUFFERED DEATH, you may be eligible for compensation if you ever took the drug Avandia. I guess you have to go through a medium or psychic to file a claim.

2) You can only file a claim if a loved one has died or been diagnosed with Mesophelioma. If you hated the (_*$_#&*^^*&, then I don't think you can file a claim.

3) Shipping and handling are more expensive than the item you just purchased (if you are able to read the small print as it flashes across the screen.)

4) A new joy toy, known as the Trojan Trilogy (I think that was the name. I was in shock over such a commercial and had my eyes partially covered) can't be ordered if you live in Alabama, Louisiana, Texas, Mississippi or Georgia. I wonder what that says about those states?

5) The Australian girls you brought you the Pedi Egg, now bring you the suctioned cup plastic spiked flip-flop foot scrubber. It's amazing what your imagination can create from that one left over flip-flop after the other one breaks.

6) If you turn the sound completely off of the weather channel, you can play meteorologist and project when and where the next hurricane will make landfall and with just as much accuracy. You can also upgrade the next tropical storm to hurricane status and name it after your boss, ex-spouse, or latest wild child.

I think I will opt for warm milk tonight.