The Floating Never-ending Buffet

By Jody Worsham,
All rights reserved for Rolaids

People who weren’t overweight before will be after a cruise. The longer the cruise, the more weight you gain. As one lady standing in the never-ending-food line explained, “The more I eat, the less this cruise costs me.” Judging from the amount of food on her plate, her cruise will be free.

First time cruisers are always the first in line at the buffet which features foods from a different country each day. After filling their plates with a little bit of each dish offered, they then head for the hamburger, hot dog, and pizza line.

The experienced cruisers know the menu by heart and go through the line loading up with the good stuff. They also are wearing baggy stretch pants and oversized t-shirts. By the end of the cruise both will be stretched to the max.

Upon boarding the ship at the beginning of the cruise your picture is taken and digitally loaded onto your room key. I used to think this was for security reasons until I noticed the crew fighting over who was going to work the debarkation line. That’s when they compare your image at the start of the cruise to the fat-er, cheek-drooping-barely-able-to-breath-in-the-no-longer-stretch pants person standing in front of them. With their twelve month contracts with no time off, I guess they need some kind of comic relief.

I just needed relief spelled R-O-L-A-I-D-S. Amidst the laughter of my debarkation crew member, I waddled down the gang plank and headed back home vowing once again to a) eat less b) take the stairs on the next cruise, or c) buy larger stretch pants.
Hmmm, I think there is a Pre/Post Cruise Sale for Women of Stature at Lane Bryant’s today. I think I will go as soon as I grab a little something from the buffet line...oh, wait, I'm back home. That would be Mickey D's.