Spring Screaming!

by Jody Worsham May 13, 2010
All rights reserved to purchase Windex.

There is something primeval, some genetic code buried deep within the female DNA that suddenly awakens in the spring. The female gets into “nesting mode”…never mind that there is no way short of Immaculate Conception or menopause reversal this female needs a nest, but the urge is there. At this time of year, the cleaning/screaming begins.
Clothing hidden in the deep recesses of the closet not having seen the light of day, much less been on a body in the past three years, suddenly finds itself in the Donate Pile. Treasured baby toys of your teenager that have been perfectly content to be in a storage box in the garage miraculously transform into clutter and must be removed. Mismatched bowls, cracked saucers, cups with no handles but still usable must be discarded. It’s spring!
Dust bunnies that have been multiplying as bunnies tend to do are unceremoniously swept from beneath the beds. Refrigerators, freezers, washing machines and other hernia creating appliances must be pulled away from the walls in order for the Shark Steam Mop to do its thing. Blinds are removed and washed down with the high pressure hose. Windows that look out onto a brick wall must be Windexed until they sparkle. Such is the drive propelling the female to clear, clean, and de-clutter.
Once the clearing and cleaning is in full swing, then the screaming begins. “Take off your shoes. I just scrubbed the floor. Put that shirt in the clothes hamper. Dishes go in the dishwasher now! No fingerprints on the windows!” The male is afraid to put down the remote for fear of it being filed under R, stored in a drawer, or swept out the door. Children find new hiding places for their “collections”, books, games, and pets.
Late at night, after the female has run out of Mr. Clean and collapsed on the bed, the male secretly gathers the children together in the now empty hall closet. “No need to worry children. This will only last a few weeks. Soon life will be back to normal and you will find your shoes scattered down the hallway and your school books thrown about your room. The sink will again be full of dishes, and your outgrown winter clothes will be hanging in the back of the closet. The vacuum will remain idle in the middle of the living room as before. Mommie will smile, read her favorite blogs, sit at the computer composing, and play hide and seek once more. This I know. It happens every spring.” The children nod, remembering, and silently return to their beds.
The male locates his remote and before hiding it safely under his pillow goes to the calendar and marks off yet another day. Spring Screaming is almost over.