I-Moan Part One

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for I-Phone lessons

As I am about to enter decade number seven, I am determined to have an up to date telephone.  I can handle technology even if it is changing faster than my moods.  I am an intelligent, creative human being.  Over the years I have created stunning set designs with nothing more than toilet paper tubes,  nylon trotline twine, and a can of spray paint.  I have altered size 4 costumes to accommodate a size 14 body.  I can certainly learn to use an I-Phone 4.  Besides, I have a seven-year-old and an eleven-year-old on call 24/7 for tutoring.

I began my quest into 21st century technology with a visit to my AT&T store and Alex, a knowledgeable employee who, despite his mere two decades of age, spoke fluent "Senior."

"Alex, I want a new phone."

"Good decision," he said as he looked at my paint less flip-phone. "And what do you want to do on it?" he said speaking in flawless "Senior."

"I want to call somebody, answer it when it rings, and text."

"This I-Phone 4 will do that."

"Will it do anything else?"

"Yes, but only if you want it to."

"Like what?" I asked fearfully.

"You see that I-pad you are carrying?  It will do everything your I-Pad will do. It is just smaller.  And this phone will serve as your hot spot for wi-fi so you will have one less thing to keep up with."

"Ok, let me have it."

"Good. It will take just a minute to set up your new phone so you will be ready to use it.  And before you leave, I will show you how to call, answer, text and I will connect your I-Pad to the Hot Spot.  While I do that, here is a bottle of cold water for you to drink."

Somewhere, Alex's Grandmother is beaming with pride.

In just a few minutes Alex returned with my phone.

"Now here is your password, you answer it by sliding this bar and tapping this..."

"Wait a minute.  Let me write this down."

At this point the eleven-year-old rolled her eyes and said pitifully "She has to write everything down on PAPER."

"For your information, young lady, paper and pen do not require batteries.  If I drop it in the pool, I can still read it.  It never becomes outdated nor is there ever a need to update it.  No password is required to access this information. Should I ever decide to pass this phone on to you, you will have written instructions on how to use it."

"By then the I-Phone 24 will be out."

The next day we left with the two kids on a road trip.  I was to get my first lesson from the eleven-year-old on using the I-Phone.  Let me just say right here that despite the fact that I learned to speak two-year-old fluently  and was fairly good at deciphering toddler jibberish, my children failed to learn to speak "Senior."t