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Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Great Wolf-at-your-Door-Mortgage-the-House Lodge and Waterpark

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for evidence of functioning brain cells

Last week I left home for Dallas with the six-year-old and the ten-teen to meet my sister, her husband, and their two grandkids for Great Wolf Lodge and Indoor Waterpark, otherwise known as the Great Mortgage the House, Weight Loss and Indoor Climb-a-Mountain Chlorine Treatment Park.

I had promised the children I would take them to a water park this summer but it was just too hot to be outside all day. My sister mentioned a wonderful waterpark that was indoors. Great! Count me in. I had not anticipated the need to mortgage the house in order to pay for the trip nor did I anticipate having to participate in their weight loss program. In order to slide down any of the six gigantic-more-fun-than-you-can-imagine slides with my two children, whom I am determined will not miss out on anything by having older parents, you have to climb up six flights of stairs carrying a two man inner tube.

The very first thing the six-year-old and I did was go down the two person inner tube slide. I figured I'd better climb early before the legs and knees totally gave out. Upon reaching the third story of stairs, I noticed there were no oxygen tanks on any of the landings. As I arrived at the top gasping for air, there wasn't time to read all the instructions for the two person inner tube, much less follow them, before the rushing water started us down the never-ending- slide to hell.

Half way down with one leg flayling to the north, my other flopping to the south and my butt creating tsunami waves in the middle, we were flipped out of the inner tube. I grabbed the six-year-old in true Mother Wolf pack fashion and held on to him while banging my elbow against the slide and grabbing the inner tube. Evidently the inner tube arrived at the pool before we did. To his credit, the baby life guard was leaning over the edge, whistle in his mouth and the giant red life preserver tube at the ready when I finally surfaced. As we drug ourselves out of the pool, the six-year-old noticed my elbow was bleeding profusely (dang those baby aspirin) so I had to go to the first aid station for a Band-Aid, which resulted in an accident report.

First Aid Life Guard: What happened?'

Super Mom (that would be me): I banged my elbow on the slide?

FALG: Which slide?

SM: The yellow one.

FALG: Cause?

SM (Because 67 is the new 47?) We obviously did not get into the inner tube correctly.

FALG: Age?

SM: (silence, then) Old enough to know better and young enough to try it anyway.

FALG: I need an age. an age range?

SM: Ok, over fifty and under a hundred.

FALG: Thank you.

That afternoon I told the six-year-old to pick his very favorite slide to go down because there was only one climb left in me. The ten-teen was tall enough to handle all the slides except the Texas Tornado. Fortunately, my brother-in-law said he would go down with her. The six-year-old told everybody quite loudly "I'm too little to go down the Texas Tornado and my mama is too… (he caught himself just before "old") likely to hit her elbow again." The child is a born politician. The rest of the day was spent splashing in the wave pool and dodging water gun cannons.

That evening with the aid of mega doses of aspirin, Advil, Ben Gay, Tylenol, and a heating pad big enough to wrap around my entire body, I fell asleep.

Even though it cost a small fortune, I did lose a pound or two and the waterlogged smiles on the faces of the children was worth it. At least that's what I told myself as I put another band-aid on my elbow.


Anonymous said...

You are one brave woman to a) climb all those stairs and b) take the short cut down. Those kids better appreciate you.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

You might have been better off taking the hose out at your house and getting a $20.00 Slip and Slide. You have my admiration for doing that for your kids. Once is probably enough though, don't you think?

Sharon said...

Jody, so brave, so funny and I can appreciate your pain. I love going to Water Country but haven't been this summer. Too tired to put on the swim suit. We have a Great Wolf Lodge here. We did the open house thing when it first opened. Fantastic place but way out of our budget range. BTW, at Water Country a baby life guard is at the top of the slide to make sure you are in the tub right and won't let you go until you're settled.

Marti said...

You are a riot, Jody! There is a Great Wolf Lodge just across the state line in Kansas City, Kansas, but we've never been. I looked up the cost and used that as an excuse (not my giant thighs - LOL). I'm so proud of you for going, and for writing such a hilarious recount! Hope the elbow is all healed up now.

Sherry said...

We've been and it's all you said. Nice job Mom!

joanne lee said...

I feel for you Jody! I feel your satisfaction at doing it and you're what was I thinking after the fact! Both of my daughters have been to Grey Wolf Lodges (Wisconsin & Pennsylvania)with their families. I never learned to swim so I exemptions from water parks! I usually regret my inability to swim but water park trips make me grateful instead!