One Picture Needs a Thousand Words

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for Botox, Detox, and orthopedic socks

Ok, I admit it.  I am not the kind of person who spends a lot of time on her looks.  To be totally honest, I am hair and fashion challenged.  However, after this last cruise, I may to have to change my ways, it if is not too late.

My sister is seven years younger than I am.  Growing up, she had to watch every bite she took or she would gain weight.  I could eat hamburgers, malts, French fries AND onion rings and never gains an ounce.  She had naturally curly hair and had to iron it with an iron on the ironing board to get it straight.  Mine was naturally straight with a little wave. 

Recently she and her husband went on a seven day cruise with my husband, me and the nine-year-old and the twelve-year-old.  One of the neat things about a cruise is that there are at least ten photographers with varying backdrops scattered about the ship every evening.  You can have your picture taken as many times as you like and you don't have to buy any of them if you don't want to.

Of course we had to have a family picture the first night. The first night is always the best night for pictures because with ice cream and pizza available 24/7 you will definitely weigh less that first night than the last and your slacks will still touch your ankles.

Now the thing is as you get older, young people get younger. So as we sought the most pleasing background, white with a white chaise lounge, the teeny-bopper photographer began arranging our group.
Dr. Hubby and I were to the right, me seated, then she placed my sister next to me, her husband behind her, and the children placed to the left of her.  I remember thinking "Wonder why she put the children next to my sister?"

She snapped a few pictures then said "Ok, how about one with just the grandparents?"  I looked around to see if our 94 year old mother had sneaked on board but the teeny bopper was looking right at me. 

"Uh, no" I said, and before I could go into a full age discriminatory rage and say anything, she came back with "Ok, just Mom and Dad and the children."  My sister couldn't stop laughing, I couldn't stop fuming, and Dr. Hubby and the children couldn't stop running.

The next morning I found the pictures in the gallery and quickly discarded them.  I told my sister "You better watch out.  These next seven years are going to take their toll on you."

That afternoon she and her husband headed to the gym and exercise room, attended seminars on detoxification, wrinkle removers, and skin care and picked only meals with the little heart emblem next to it at dinner. I ate three bowls of ice cream and made an appointment with Michael-the-South African-Hair-Wonder-Worker, but that is a story for next week. 

Stay tuned to see if it's Carnival Time or Magic Time when I show up at the Cloud 9 beauty salon.

Movie-ing On!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for pot of gold!

I admit I do not go to movies very often.  In fact, the last movie I saw was “UP”. But this summer, without any plans for a cruise or vacation, I decided to use our allocated vacation money to treat the children to a movie or two or three. 

Since “UP” brought down my average monthly salary, I knew to attend movies before 5p.m. on a week day and skip the 3-D version (which stands for Depleting, Depressing, and Debilitating my budget) otherwise I could quickly max out my credit card.  I also knew to stop at Wal-Mart for the prerequisite sugar jolt of candy that I would hide,  sneak, place in my purse in case anyone in the theater had a sudden diabetic emergency…or the movie turned out to be boring and the children started chomping on each other.

The first movie that had the children marking off the days until it opened in theaters was “Monster University.” Opening day and we were off at 3:44 for the not-matinee-and-not-evening showing. “One senior, two children please.”  I held my breath until the credit card flashed “approved.”  Feeling like I now had a little wiggle room in the budget, I thought about splurging and getting popcorn and drinks for the children; that is until I saw the prices.

 $19.95 for a bucket of popcorn and two MEDIUM drinks.  Seasonings were $1.50 extra but salt was only $1.00.  The profit margin must be 99%, the only actual expense being the bucket and the cups.  I bet if they could figure a way, they would have you bring your own sack and just have you stand under the coke spigot with your mouth open for so many seconds.  We skipped the $20 popcorn and cokes.  The movie was cute and funny on so many different levels.

The second movie opening marked on the calendar was “Despicable Me.”  Still working off our cruise vacation budget, I agreed to take them.  I had never seen “Despicable One” but the children said that was ok they would tell me anything I did not understand.  As it turned out, I had to explain why I was laughing so hard to them.  It was a perfect cartoon spoof on all the James Bond super spy movies I had seen.  This movie had the children chomping on the contraband M&M’s half way through.

The third movie was “Turbo.”  I love Dream Works so I was looking forward to this movie.  Remember this is replacing a seven day cruise for four with all gourmet meals, entertainment, continuous soft-serve ice cream, free child care, and constant maid service included.  Getting tickets on line enables you to bypass the trauma of credit card APPROVED and the Snack Bar prices and head straight for the movie theatre.   This was a “formula one” type movie.  The underdog, or in this case the under snail, dreams of winning the big race and does.  It did have a couple of profound philosophical points which went completely over the heads of the children.

With no more must-see movies on our list and a little bit of change left in the vacation fund, we headed for the frozen yogurt store.  Here, in true genius marketing fashion, they do not post their price list.  Instead you fill your cup with as much frozen yogurt as you want and pile on all the candies, toppings, and nuts that you can.  Then, when it is too late to put anything back, they weigh it and charge you by the ounce or in our case, by the pound.

After crunching the numbers, 4 ½ hours of actual movie entertainment, 1 ½ hours of movie advertisements plus M&M’s times three, add in frozen yogurt and future dental appointments, we will definitely get more for our money by btaking a cruise….possibly around the world.

Things to Do on a Rainy Cruise

Things to Do on a Rainy Cruise

By Jody Worsham All rights reserved to purchase water repellant

During six of the seven days of our cruise, our captain was able to spot, chase, and go through ever rain storm in the Caribbean. I think that may be some kind of record.

The sun worshippers were threatening mutiny. Parents of children were threatening mutiny. The only ones not threatening mutiny were the bartenders as their sales tend to quadruple in rainy weather.

Our cruise director, Jeff, in an attempt to quell the rebellion offered some additional rainy day activities for the guests. However, being the mother of eight children, I have extended his list.

Here is my list for a rainy cruise.

1. Count raindrops hitting the window port hole.

2. Eat

3. Watch the Raindrop Regatta. Which rain drop will be the fastest descending the port hole?

4. Eat

5. Watch the Flip Flop Hydroplane Races as people hurry across the wet deck.

6. Eat

7. Watch rain clouds build up and take bets on how soon the captain will overtake them.

8. Eat

9. Sit in your cabin and watch the closed circuit mini-cam broadcast live as people run, slip, fall, and hydroplane across the deck. Turn off the sound and make up your own dialogue for what the people are saying.

10. Eat

11. Float paper boats across the flooded deck.

12. Eat

13. Play miniature Float Golf. No clubs. Set the ball on the course. If it floats over the cup in less than one minute, you have a Drown-in-One.

14. Eat

15. Watch “Singing in the Rain” in the rain at the outdoor theatre.

16. And if all else fails to entertain you, EAT!

Now I know why all the pictures of Noah’s family after their forty-day and forty-night cruise are depicted as rotund.

The Floating Never-ending Buffet

By Jody Worsham,
All rights reserved for Rolaids

People who weren’t overweight before will be after a cruise. The longer the cruise, the more weight you gain. As one lady standing in the never-ending-food line explained, “The more I eat, the less this cruise costs me.” Judging from the amount of food on her plate, her cruise will be free.

First time cruisers are always the first in line at the buffet which features foods from a different country each day. After filling their plates with a little bit of each dish offered, they then head for the hamburger, hot dog, and pizza line.

The experienced cruisers know the menu by heart and go through the line loading up with the good stuff. They also are wearing baggy stretch pants and oversized t-shirts. By the end of the cruise both will be stretched to the max.

Upon boarding the ship at the beginning of the cruise your picture is taken and digitally loaded onto your room key. I used to think this was for security reasons until I noticed the crew fighting over who was going to work the debarkation line. That’s when they compare your image at the start of the cruise to the fat-er, cheek-drooping-barely-able-to-breath-in-the-no-longer-stretch pants person standing in front of them. With their twelve month contracts with no time off, I guess they need some kind of comic relief.

I just needed relief spelled R-O-L-A-I-D-S. Amidst the laughter of my debarkation crew member, I waddled down the gang plank and headed back home vowing once again to a) eat less b) take the stairs on the next cruise, or c) buy larger stretch pants.
Hmmm, I think there is a Pre/Post Cruise Sale for Women of Stature at Lane Bryant’s today. I think I will go as soon as I grab a little something from the buffet line...oh, wait, I'm back home. That would be Mickey D's.

Lost and Bound

by Jody Worsham June, 2010 All rights reserved for purchase of GPS

In my infinite wisdom after raising six children and now as a Medicare Mom raising two more, I knew there was a logical and strategic advantage for having all of us wear identical tee-shirts when boarding our ship for the Seven-day-I-deserved-this-twelve-hour-free-baby-sitting-Cruise. One, it identified us as a group of four. Two, it made it easy to spot one of us among the 3,500 guests on board. Three, it would be easy to locate our Welcome Aboard Picture the next day.

I did not count on the swimming pool and giant three story slide being open while the ship was still docked. I had packed the children’s bathing suites in our carry on so that wasn’t a problem. The problem was the sun screen was in the checked luggage. Not to worry, I told the children they could wear their identical-tee-shirts-with-the-map-of-the-USA on them to protect them from the Texas sun.

After about an hour of swimming it was time for the youngest and the oldest to take a nap. The eight-year-old changed into dry clothes and we went exploring.
As we passed the ice cream machine she asked if she could stop and get some. I said “Sure” as I headed four feet away to get some iced tea. It could not have been more than five seconds but somehow we missed each other. I was furious. “She has got to learn to stay with me. Serves her right if she panics for a few seconds,” I said to myself as my heart rate rapidly increased and my breathing became fast and shallow.

Two minutes and thirty seconds passed and no child. “When I find her I’m going to beat her with a big stick or at least a towel,” I mumbled incoherently.
Three minutes and ten seconds passed and still no child. An active imagination is a good thing for a writer, not for a Medicare Mom with a missing eight-year-old. Suddenly every pervert from Serbia to the Philippines was hiding out on this ship and one of them had kidnapped my child and was holding her behind one of the thousands of Crew Only Doors.

I forced reason to prevail. She couldn’t get off the ship. I found the nearest female with a gold name plate.

“I’ve lost my eight-year-old,” I said, wondering where that high pitched screaming voice was coming from.
“What does she look like?”
“Shoulder height, blond pony tail, (and silently wished I could say ‘Wearing a soaking wet tee-shirt like mine) a print tee shirt and blue jean shorts…just like every other eight-year-old on this ship.”
“Well, she can’t get off the ship,” and she walked away.

Reason and logic told me to stay put by the ice cream machine. Panic and terror told me to run like a crazy woman around the deck screaming her name. I gave in to panic and terror temporarily.

Sweat was pouring out from under my big white floppy hat but I didn’t dare take it off. I’m only 5’3”. She would need that hat to find me.
Five minutes and thirteen seconds have passed and still no child. My husband had already turned off his cell phone and I didn’t dare leave the ice cream machine again to locate a phone to call the cabin. All thoughts of towel beatings had been replaced by urgent prayers. In all four previous cruises, we had never lost or luggage or a child.

Finally, after the longest twelve minutes in the history of the world, I saw her coming toward me with two cruise officials in tow. We hugged and hugged and hugged. I asked her what happened. It seems I had not said out loud that I was going for iced tea and she panicked when she didn’t see me and ran out looking for me. I looked around for a big stick for self-flagellation. Then she found a cruise official and told them I was missing.

“Did you tell them I was wearing our special tee-shirt with the USA map on it?”
“No, I forgot. I looked for a white floppy hat. Do you know how many white floppy hats are on this deck?”

So much for identifying tee-shirts and white floppy hats. Maybe I’ll wear a hat with a big orange arrow pointing down next time. Anyway, we didn’t have to worry about losing each other for the rest of the cruise. We were now bound at the hip. What a way to begin a seven day relaxing cruise!