The Seven Year Switch or Age is a Number...and they've got mine!

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for the Seven Year Itch, , Twitch, Hitch,  Stretch

If you live long enough, you are bound to experience age discrimination, and I have.  Because I have banned all mirrors in my house, I forget that my laugh lines do no disappear when I stop laughing, so you can imagine my surprise when people thought I was old on our recent cruise.

Ok, the fact that this was our 50th wedding anniversary cruise should have given me a hint that I wasn't twenty any more, but I don't feel old in spite of nature's little reminders.

The first "surprise" happened on the first night of the cruise.  After dinner Dr. Hubby, the nine-year-old, the twelve-year-old, myself, and my sister and her husband had a family picture made to commemorate the occasion. See blog "One Picture Needs a Thousand Words." The gist of the portrait fiasco was that the photographer thought that the children belonged to my sister and I was her mother.  Our mother is 94 by the way.  I did NOT buy the pictures. 

The next day younger sister suggested we attend some free spa and beauty sessions located on Cloud 9.  I didn't know if she was not so subtly hinting that one of us needed some beauty help or because it was raining and she didn't want to play Bingo.  

We had our feet printed and analyzed and guess what?  My feet needed $200 insoles.  Her feet were flat but fine.  We went to the skin toning and wrinkle smoothing session.  Guess what?  My skin needed $1,950 worth of lifts, tucks, and sucks. She needed a $39 face cream.
We went to the free beauty make-over.  I was not even in the running for the free teeth whitening, the free haircut, or the free facial.  She got extra samples of everything. I was skipped.  I guess they figured one sample wouldn't do me any good and a hundred wouldn't be enough.

On the fourth day while my baby sister was working out in the ship's gym (show off), I made an appointment with the ship's beautician, hair colorist, and on board magician.  I wanted the full treatment, haircut, shampoo, styling, coloring, the works.   I was keelhauling the gray.

While I was sitting in the salon waiting for my appointment, a twenty-something Barbie Doll came in and sat next to me.  The receptionist confirmed that Barbie wanted a pedicure and told me Michaile was running a little behind but it wouldn't be long.

Five minutes later Michaile came over and knelt to eye level with Miss Barbie Dull.

"Oh, such lovely tresses. Surely there is nothing I can do for you but I try.  You are wanting the color with the cut and styling, yes?"

Now why did Michaile just assume I was there for the corns, bunions, and callus sanding and Miss Barbie Dull wanted nice hair?

When Michaile was able to extricate his foot from his mouth, he escorted me to the styling chair and faced me towards the mirror.  I don't know who looked more forlorn in the reflection, me or him.  But to his credit, he worked the cruise ship Magic and we were both happy when I left.

At dinner my sister smiled and said "Well, don't you look nice.  I like your hair."

"Well thank you very much,” and we all sat down to dinner.

 There are a few advantages to being seven years older. I've been where she is but she hasn't been where I am...yet.  Hee hee!.

One Picture Needs a Thousand Words

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for Botox, Detox, and orthopedic socks

Ok, I admit it.  I am not the kind of person who spends a lot of time on her looks.  To be totally honest, I am hair and fashion challenged.  However, after this last cruise, I may to have to change my ways, it if is not too late.

My sister is seven years younger than I am.  Growing up, she had to watch every bite she took or she would gain weight.  I could eat hamburgers, malts, French fries AND onion rings and never gains an ounce.  She had naturally curly hair and had to iron it with an iron on the ironing board to get it straight.  Mine was naturally straight with a little wave. 

Recently she and her husband went on a seven day cruise with my husband, me and the nine-year-old and the twelve-year-old.  One of the neat things about a cruise is that there are at least ten photographers with varying backdrops scattered about the ship every evening.  You can have your picture taken as many times as you like and you don't have to buy any of them if you don't want to.

Of course we had to have a family picture the first night. The first night is always the best night for pictures because with ice cream and pizza available 24/7 you will definitely weigh less that first night than the last and your slacks will still touch your ankles.

Now the thing is as you get older, young people get younger. So as we sought the most pleasing background, white with a white chaise lounge, the teeny-bopper photographer began arranging our group.
Dr. Hubby and I were to the right, me seated, then she placed my sister next to me, her husband behind her, and the children placed to the left of her.  I remember thinking "Wonder why she put the children next to my sister?"

She snapped a few pictures then said "Ok, how about one with just the grandparents?"  I looked around to see if our 94 year old mother had sneaked on board but the teeny bopper was looking right at me. 

"Uh, no" I said, and before I could go into a full age discriminatory rage and say anything, she came back with "Ok, just Mom and Dad and the children."  My sister couldn't stop laughing, I couldn't stop fuming, and Dr. Hubby and the children couldn't stop running.

The next morning I found the pictures in the gallery and quickly discarded them.  I told my sister "You better watch out.  These next seven years are going to take their toll on you."

That afternoon she and her husband headed to the gym and exercise room, attended seminars on detoxification, wrinkle removers, and skin care and picked only meals with the little heart emblem next to it at dinner. I ate three bowls of ice cream and made an appointment with Michael-the-South African-Hair-Wonder-Worker, but that is a story for next week. 

Stay tuned to see if it's Carnival Time or Magic Time when I show up at the Cloud 9 beauty salon.

T’Was the Night Before Christmas on the Magic Ship!

We've been on a lot of cruises, but this Christmas cruise was something special and resulted in this blog. If you have sailed on Carnival's Magic, you will understand the references. (Martina, from table 624 Southern Lights Dining room on Carnival's Magic, you may have to Google "The Night Before Christmas" to get the full effect)

T'was the night before Christmas

And all through the ship

Every creature was stirring, this was our Christmas trip!

The stockings were duck taped to the cabin door with care, in hopes more refunds soon would be there.

The children were checked into Camp Carnival with care

For parents had things to do and no time to spare.

Ma in her sequins and I in my white tee

Had just settled down at the bar for some Red Frog Tea

When out on the deck there rose such a clatter, I staggered from my booth to see what was the matter.

Away to the railing I rushed with glee . I looked to the left, but no one to see.

The moon on the foam of the whirl pool below, revealed two couples shouting Oh No".

When what to my wandering eyes should I see

But a stack of packages and eight men carrying a tree

With an Italian leader, not so heavy, I KNEW IN A MOMENT IT MUST BE Battinelli

Slipping and sliding on the wet decks they Came

And he WHISTLED, AND SHOUTED AND CALLED THEM BY NAME.

"Now Sergio, Now Alordf, Now Ajehab and Ackrill!

On Rogebad on Beorgman on Gazzolo and Bobbybill

To the top of deck 12 back there by the wall, now hurry away, hurry away, hurry away all.

AS Wal-Mart bags, before the hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to deck 12 the crew members they flew,

With a tree on their back and Capt. Battinelli, too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the deck,

Much wrestling and pushing up the tree, without a wreck.

As I was pulling back my head and turning around, down the staircase, Capt. Battinelli came with a bound.

He was covered with salt from his head to his foot, but his clothes were spotless not a speck of soot,

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And no beard on his chin, what do you know!

A stump of a pipe he held clinched tight in his teeth, but no smoke encircled his head like a wreath

He had a broad face and hair cropped to the neck.

That didn't move, not one little speck.

He was slim and trim, And good looking, too,

And I hoped he was married with eighteen kids, I do

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word but when straight to work doling out toys and even some books

And then smiling and turning, and waving a hand, back to the bridge he ran.

He sprang to the stairs, to is crew gave a command,

And away they all flew, back to play in the band.

And I heard him exclaim as he ran out of sight, Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good night!