Wal-Nut

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for nut cracker

I am a Wal-nut. I admit it. I fancy myself as the true shopper all those in the blue vest seek. My face has appeared on their security cameras so often that I expect to see my face on the Wal-Mart Wall of Fame. I shop there two, three times a day.

When I walk through the door their stock immediately jumps 3 points. I head for the red helium balloons with “clearance” marked on them. If the balloons are above the cat food aisle, that’s where I go. It matters not that I have no cat. I might someday and it’s always good to be prepared.

And I am not alone in my quest for Clearance. Dr. Hubby came home with a truck load of clearance items marked 75% off last night, so of course we had to go back this morning in case there was anything left. There was; now there isn’t.

As the result of our quest, we have six backpacks because they were $3.50 each and 10 cases of assorted worms, hooks, lines, and sinkers because they were $10.75 and were now $1.25 “The boxes alone sell for $3,” my logical husband reasoned. We also have baseball gloves and two tennis rackets in case the kids decide they want to play tennis in the future and our dollar has shrunk even further. We own enough Deer Scrape, lick, salt, and scent to keep Santa’s reindeer happy till the next millennium or until deer season opens. Eight bright orange knit caps were acquired for 50 cents each so that each member of the family would have one to wear should we ever decide to have a family picnic in the woods during deer season or a family reunion on the side of the road. A crock pot for a Coleman stove (who knew?), two seven foot diameter inner tubes to pull the kids behind the ski boat, 2 nylon clothes lines advertised as solar dryers, six popup trash cans, seven hammocks to be strategically placed around the property (never know when you might need a nap and you are too tired to walk ten feet to the house), canvas cylindrical nylon bags with carrying totes (why would you need a bag to carry a bag? but they were only $2.25 each so we got two,) a knife and fork probably inspired by Jim Bowie judging from the size, two first aid kits because well, we have two kids, and thirty-five packets of assorted things that were extremely cheap and well, you never know when you might need an extremely cheap packet of something, and nine feet of red rope lights (I have no idea what he had in mind for those) rounded out our purchases.

I know there are those who are Wal-Nots, even Wal-Nevers. There are even the extremists “Rather be Wal-Dead” and that is ok. Everyone to their own addiction or affliction. But when the dollar shrinks to the size of a postage stamp, and with as much buying power, and you didn’t buy gold off the internet, you’ll be coming to me for some of my 75% off clearance items. You won’t have any trouble finding my place. I’ll put a yellow smiley face on my mail box and I’ll be wearing a maroon vest, a step above the blue vest. And I will gladly share…for a price.

Sam Walton would be so proud…a mini Yard-Mart!

T’Was the Night Before Christmas on the Magic Ship!

We've been on a lot of cruises, but this Christmas cruise was something special and resulted in this blog. If you have sailed on Carnival's Magic, you will understand the references. (Martina, from table 624 Southern Lights Dining room on Carnival's Magic, you may have to Google "The Night Before Christmas" to get the full effect)

T'was the night before Christmas

And all through the ship

Every creature was stirring, this was our Christmas trip!

The stockings were duck taped to the cabin door with care, in hopes more refunds soon would be there.

The children were checked into Camp Carnival with care

For parents had things to do and no time to spare.

Ma in her sequins and I in my white tee

Had just settled down at the bar for some Red Frog Tea

When out on the deck there rose such a clatter, I staggered from my booth to see what was the matter.

Away to the railing I rushed with glee . I looked to the left, but no one to see.

The moon on the foam of the whirl pool below, revealed two couples shouting Oh No".

When what to my wandering eyes should I see

But a stack of packages and eight men carrying a tree

With an Italian leader, not so heavy, I KNEW IN A MOMENT IT MUST BE Battinelli

Slipping and sliding on the wet decks they Came

And he WHISTLED, AND SHOUTED AND CALLED THEM BY NAME.

"Now Sergio, Now Alordf, Now Ajehab and Ackrill!

On Rogebad on Beorgman on Gazzolo and Bobbybill

To the top of deck 12 back there by the wall, now hurry away, hurry away, hurry away all.

AS Wal-Mart bags, before the hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to deck 12 the crew members they flew,

With a tree on their back and Capt. Battinelli, too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the deck,

Much wrestling and pushing up the tree, without a wreck.

As I was pulling back my head and turning around, down the staircase, Capt. Battinelli came with a bound.

He was covered with salt from his head to his foot, but his clothes were spotless not a speck of soot,

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And no beard on his chin, what do you know!

A stump of a pipe he held clinched tight in his teeth, but no smoke encircled his head like a wreath

He had a broad face and hair cropped to the neck.

That didn't move, not one little speck.

He was slim and trim, And good looking, too,

And I hoped he was married with eighteen kids, I do

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word but when straight to work doling out toys and even some books

And then smiling and turning, and waving a hand, back to the bridge he ran.

He sprang to the stairs, to is crew gave a command,

And away they all flew, back to play in the band.

And I heard him exclaim as he ran out of sight, Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good night!