By Jody Worsham
All rights
reserved to learn Indian Smoke Signals
I was
beginning my second minute of lecturing on the virtues of taking notes on paper
versus electronic devices at the AT&T store, when the eleven-year-old
rolled her eyes completely out of sight. That signified total shutdown from
listening to anything else I had to say.
I have seen this before many times.
I don’t think Alex, the AT&T employee who was helping me, had. He was making the sign of the cross, even
though I was sure he was Baptist, and dialing 1-800-CALL-An-EXORCIST. I stopped talking and her eyes came back
into view just before he hit dial. The
color came back to Alex’s face and we continued. I completed my notes, paid for the phone, and
we left. Alex held the door open calling
out “God Bless”. I am sure we will be
on every prayer list in town by Sunday, both for her sake and mine.
That
afternoon with I-Phone, charger, adaptor, and notes in hand, we loaded up the
children, packed the RV and headed for our favorite camping spot. I decided to try out the new I-Phone on the
way. Now, just so you know, we have a
family plan of 700 roll over minutes of which I used 5 last month so I
basically have to review my notes every time I answer any cell phone.
I had
already learned how to translate toddler gibberish, speak fluent two-year-old,
and decipher every nuance of eye rolling before the first six children were in
high school. I was tri-lingual before
these last two were even born. The children never bothered to learn even rudimentary
“Senior”. We were destined to have a
failure to communicate.
“I think I
will try out my new I-phone and call my sister and tell her we are on our way,”
I confidently said.
“You might
want to practice first,” said Miss Eleven-Year-Old-Know-it-All, between the
sounds of her texting, the whirling sounds of sending, and the beeping
notifications of receiving on her cell phone.
“I’ll call you.”
I was
waiting for my phone to “ring”. Instead,
it shocked me and I dropped it.
“You’ve got
it on vibrate. Do you want it to vibrate?”
“No, I want
it to ring. I don’t want an electric
shock in my hands or my pants.”
“Which ring
tone do you want? You can have a ring
tone that is different for each person?
Do you want separate ring tones for just our immediate family?”
“Ten ring
tones? How will I ever remember ten ring
tones much less which tone is for which family member?”
“You can put
a picture of the person calling you so you will know who it is. Here, I’ll put my picture so it will come up
when I am calling you.”
“Couldn’t I
just say ‘Hello, who is this?”
“Fine,” eyes
rolling toward the ceiling. “Here is a
high pitched ring that you are sure to hear.”
My phone
rang. The sound of an alien spaceship
circling our car sounded, the dog began to howl, and the eleven-year-old’s picture
appeared on my I-phone screen.
“Answer it!”
my husband yelled above the howling dog and the sounds of the alien space ship
trying to land.
“How?” I
queried?
“Slide the
bar at the bottom and tap on the number.
Here let me” came from Miss Queen of the I-Phone.
“No, if you
do it I will never learn. Now where is
the bar?” I said scanning the tiny screen.
“I don’t
know but I’m looking for one” came from my dear tee-totaler Hubby as he swerved
the truck from side to side. “Just answer the phone so the dog will stop
howling and the space ship can land.”
“Hello? Who is this?”
“It’s me.
Look at the picture. I’m right behind
you.”
“Ok, I think
I have that. Slide, tap, say hello. Got it.
Now how do I text?”
“Well to text,
you tap the green oval at the top, type in the address from your contact list,
type your message, then hit send. If you
are texting and someone is calling you, you can tap accept, reject….”
“STOP. Don’t give me so many options. Speak slower, not louder. You aren’t making any sense…”
My husband
reached for his cell phone. “9-1-1? What is my emergency? Are you kidding? I’m in a four passenger pick-up truck with a
Shih Tzu, a seven-year-old and an eleven-year-old who do not speak ‘Senior”, a
phone that E.T. tried to call home on, a wife who can’t see a bar when it is
right in front of her and it’s an hour and a half to our destination.”
“Yes, sir. Stay calm.
Alex notified us. There is an I-Phone Crisis Counselor about a mile
behind you. He has been following you
since your wife left the store. He is a
certified Instructor for I-Phone 4 and he is fluent in “Senior”. I’ll stay on the line until he catches up
with you.”
My husband
pulled the truck, trailer, two kids, one dog, and three cell phones safely to
the shoulder of the road and waited for the I-Phone Crisis Counselor to catch
up to us.
As the
I-Phone Counselor spoke to me slowly, using simple one syllable words, I said to
myself:
“Who needs a
cell phone anyway? Maybe I’ll just send
out smoke signals. There’s plenty coming from my ears right now.”
