Author? Arthur? Writer? Book Writers!

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for an app that will accept loose change or find the missing link.

“Please, Miss Wanda, I don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout birthin’ no E Book!” which is what I said to Wanda Argersinger when she approached me with the idea of writing a book. “You don’t need to know how to format the book to Kindle, I can do that, you just have to help write it.”

And with that the egg was laid in the nest.

We just had to incubate ideas until they hatched. With the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop approaching, the chatter on the humor-writers yahoo group centered on who was attending, who was coming for the first time, what to wear, and will I fit in…to my clothes or the group? This led to reminiscing about my first Erma Bombeck Workshop in 2010.

A heartbeat was heard in the shell.

This prompted a search back through two year old e-mails that were flying back and forth between me and e-mail friends I had met through the chat group. Since my computer had crashed twice since then, it was up to Wanda to resurrect the e-mails, which she did. “You don’t remember writing this?” she asked me. “I can’t remember what I wrote yesterday, much less two years ago,” I admitted.

“Remember when you asked how you could find you friends that you had only met on line at the dinner that first night and I said “Look for the Bird,” Wanda queried. “Yes, the bird,” I said.
The bird became the subject of our book sort of, a three foot blue heron decoy that first made his appearance as a centerpiece on a table at the opening dinner of the Erma Bombeck Writers Conference in 2010 to guide me to my friends. And he would do it again for others attending the workshop for the first time in 2012 and for anyone who has ever felt like a pair of white shoes worn after Labor Day. And he would do it with his first humor e-book, “EB and the Ladies of the Bird Table Take Flight”

The egg has hatched!

So dig beneath the sofa cushions, look under the floor mats in your car, or search in the bottom of your dresser for any loose change. When you’ve found 99 cents, here's the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Ladies-Bird-Table-Flight-ebook/dp/B007K0QSX6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331736603&sr=8-1

If the link is missing…something, then go to Amazon.com and type in Jody Worsham. The book title should pop right up. I hope you will download this cheap book and learn what this bird has been up to for the past two years, real or imagined.

How you get the coins into the USB thingy is your problem. I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout buyin’ no books you can’t hold in your hand or dog ear the pages. Hope you do.
If you can’t, well I guess I will have egg on my face.

From My Mouth to God's Ear

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for a muzzle

It was Service Sunday, a day when the members of our church gather together for a quick sandwich and then grab paint brushes, hammers, rakes, trash bags, or drills and set off in groups to help out the community, a sort of grass roots local missionary trip without going out of the city limits.

Sign-up sheets were provided so people could find the right job for their skill level. There were houses that needed to be painted, porches that needed railings, nursing homes that could use some Color Splash, trails that needed to be cleared of trash, and dogs that needed to be walked.

Guess which one the six-year-old and the ten-teen picked? Yes, we were going to walk dogs even though you have to bribe, conjole, or threaten to get them to walk their own dog. These dogs were in training as senior companions. I’m thinking “Ok, this isn’t so bad. They are all probably small dogs, poodles, shih tzus, other little fluff balls.” We got our map and off we went, dog leashes in hand.

The map was from Map Quest. Need I say more? Ok, I’ve lived in this community for 50 years
and I have driven down Hwy 7 many times but I was always looking down the highway or checking in the rearview mirror to see if I still had the horse trailer behind me. I was not looking at what is on the sides of the road.

I found the highway and also several white fences, one of the landmarks that was to mark the dog kennel place. The map said two tenths of a mile. When we had gone five miles, I decided we had passed it. I gripped the steering wheel and made a hard turn to the left, saving wear and tear on two of the tires as I did so.

“This is where she starts screaming”, said the six-year-old, a veteran of at least three
skirmishes and one all-out war with a paper-never-to-be-folded-correctly-again
map.

“Not this time, this is a church trip,” replied the ten-teen.

“Nu uh, the back of her neck is red. She’s gonna start yelling any minute. Even God is gonna hear her!”

“I’m not going to scream!” I shouted over my shoulder to the back seat. “We can find this place.” I pulled over on the shoulder of the road and pulled out my GPS, Tom Tom. I punched in
the numbers but Tom didn’t know where it was either. I checked the number of the address. I back tracked to the starting point. “This time look for the numbers on the mail boxes and tell me if we are going up or down. Now what’s that number?”

“1704”

“And this one?”

“There isn’t a number on this one,” came from the ten-teen.

We drove on for another mile. “And this one?” I asked.

“2289”

“Are we going up or down? I can’t drive and remember numbers.” Truth is I can’t remember numbers whether I’m driving or not.

“I forgot” came from the ten-ten.

“She’s getting frustrated. She’s gonna start screaming. I don’t care if it is a church mission. She’s gonna start screaming,” came from the Been-there-heard-that-before six-year-old.

“I’M NOT GOING TO SCREAM. JUST READ THE MAILBOXES!”

“See?” said the youngest.

I took a deep breath and continued down the highway. I pulled over at every mailbox with a number. The people following me thought I was an unmarked mail carrier practicing some kind of fake curbside delivery. After twenty minutes of mail-box hopping and shouting, we found the kennel. “Found it!” I hoarsely whispered. “We made it.”

The lady who owned the kennel greeted us and said “Hope you didn’t try to find this place
with a GPS. GPS doesn’t recognize this place. Guess we don’t exist. Hope the other family coming finds us.”

For the next three hours the children walked dogs; big dogs, medium dogs, but no small dogs. They petted dogs and they brushed dogs. They took the dogs through obstacle
courses. They asked questions. They even listened to half of the answers. They had a great time.

The other family never did show up. I guess they used On Star.

When it was time to leave and we were backing out of the drive-way, the six-year-old
timidly asked “Do you know the way home?”

“Yes,” I calmly said “I do.”

“Good,” said the six-year-old, “Cause I think God’s ears might be kinda sore.”

From my mouth to God’s ears… and back. Oops!

Basket Case!

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for Basketball GPS

There are those who pay hundreds even thousands of
dollars for court side seats to see exciting NBA playoff tournaments. I, however, only had to pay $4 for court side seats for a double elimination tournament that almost sent me into cardiac
arrest.

It was the Little Dribblers end of season tournament, our six-year-old’s first and ours, too. We were scheduled against a team we had already beaten twice in the regular season.
They had a coach that would put Bob Knight to shame, but then fear can make super athletes of us all. I had also heard that they were bringing in a ringer, a tall guy standing 3feet 11
inches but that turned out to be a rumor. Our guys were ready in any case and we had enough players show up this time to allow for a sub.

In our son’s league we play six minute quarters, that is when the person running the clock remembers to run the clock. This time our second quarter lasted thirteen minutes and would have most likely gone on into the evening if the fans hadn’t started chanting “Start the Clock! Start the Clock! Start the Clock!”

By the fourth quarter we were ahead by two points
and behind schedule by ten minutes. Five seconds to go, and we had the ball. I was dancing on the seats! Five seconds! All we had to do was hold the ball! Victory was in the hands of #18.
He had never made an attempt to shoot the ball in a game during the entire season. He was a ball
holder! Yes, our first win!

Then in true “Hoosier” fashion, #18 turned, shot the ball, and it went in…the other team’s hoop!
Score tied!

I’m gasping for air, grabbing my chest. Two seconds on the clock. Our tall guy rebounds, turns to
shoot at the other team’s basket as the crowd screams NOOOOOOOOooooooo! He freezes just as the buzzer sounds. Score tied! Our boys are screaming and giving high fives to #18 for scoring his first two points! His coach/dad was eating his hat.

We have to go into overtime; a three minute quarter with each team having about twenty-two time outs. One coach is planning strategy and the other is trying to round up all our players who have taken a potty break or have gone up into the stands looking for parents and Gatorade.
I have just enough time before the game starts to locate that little red fire extinguisher
looking thing that dephibs your heart.

The referee calls “Start the Clock” and tosses up the ball. The next forty-five minutes of
the three minute overtime is a blur. I think I may have passed out. When I
could focus again, we were up two points with four seconds left. I was muttering “Which one is our basket? Which one is our basket?” Four, three, two... We won!

An hour later we played again only minus our one and only sub. Since we had only played one
game each Saturday during the season, I guess he thought we were through. Double elimination meant we were going to have to play two more games no matter what. We lost the next game and had to immediately play again. Since there was no time for food, I went insearch of Pixie Stixs and chocolate to give our kids enough energy to finish the next game. My husband went in search
of nitro tablets, or failing that, a battery charger for me.

We lost that game also. On the way home with our little dribbler
snoring in the back seat, all the talk was about that overtime game.

The NBA has nothing on Little Dribblers, well except maybe a better GPS and on site
paramedics.

Thank goodness baseball starts tomorrow. No overtimes.

What? Extra innings?
Nooooooo!

On Star, Off Star, On Star, Off....

by Jody Worsham All rights reserved for hieroglyphics translation

We have a tendency to buy a car and drive it until it is ready to fall apart so it was time to start looking. Dr. Hubby called to tell me he had found what we were looking for and was driving it home. "It is really nice and it has several new features that you will enjoy."

That got me to worrying. I have just now learned how to answer "missed calls" on my cell phone and now I have to learn a whole new car? Ok, how many changes could there be in a car in seven years? It's not like it's a computer.

NOT

First, I should have read the manual before I backed out of the drive. When I put it in reverse, a picture of a trash can appeared on my rear view mirror. "Hey, a mini TV. Must be Sesame Street."

That's when Dr. Hubby yelled "Stop". It wasn't a TV, but a TV camera and I just bumped our good trash can down the hill. Well, it should come with those beep beep beep back up sounds. Oh, wait it does, but I thought it was the trash truck coming.

On to Wal-Mart. It was a beautiful sunny day even though the back windshield wiper was swishing back and forth. "That's a nice touch," I said out loud to myself as I searched for the OFF button. You'd think there would be a button labeled rear windshield wiper OFF. Not so.

In fact, there are very few words engraved on anything, which leads me to question the I.Q. and reading level of GMC engneers. As I tried to decipher the GMC hieroglyphics of 2011, I realized that the steering wheel was covered in far too many funny little pictures to be just turn signals, brights, and cruise control. I randomly started pushing pictures.

I'm sure the car behind me thought I could not make up my mind as to where I was going as I was signaling left, right, and flashing my hazards all at the same time while squirting water on my windshields, front and back, and the automatic door locks were clicking open and shut. The windows were going up and down and the side mirrors were angling every which way catching the sun and flashing Morse Code like Iwas some kind of naval destroyer alerting everyone to danger.

That's when I noticed additional picture buttons on my rear view mirror. I pushed those. A strange voice from somewhere overhead said "I detect an uninformed driver in this car. I will commence shutting down the engine and will notify the highway patrol that this car has been hijacked and you may be missing."

Flashes of Big Brother and "1984" went through my brain. Who knew the car came equipped with On Star or Big Mama-in-the-sky? I'm sitting stranded in the middle of North Street with a car I suspect is possessed trapped in a seat belt the car refuses to release. At least the horn is in the same place.

HONK!

Sorry, lady. I see the green light. Ok, my mind just drifted off for a few minutes. Stress, new car.

Later that night under the full moon as I looked out from my bedroom window, I swear that car was staring at me. I looked up at the starry night and I wondered which one was On Star...but more importantly....which one was Off Star?

Computer Gerrr-nomics

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved to lobby for Medicare for Computers

My computer has been on life-support for the past week. I have visited with several specialists plus a witch doctor I contacted on line at the library plus my financial advisor at Master Card. Here are the results.

Diagnostics for sick computer, local at Staples …….......$9.99
Virus removal …………………………………………………… $100.00
ER visit for hyperventilation …………………………...... $500.00
Stroke Prevention medicine when cursor acts up…. $350.00
Geek Squad diagnostics for cursed cursor ……………........ free
Case of wine to celebrate something free ……………... $43.00
Cursed Cursor remedy plus recommended two years of service due to ignorance .... $200.00
Fine for disturbing the peace at the Geek Squad …… $150.00
I Pad purchased to receive discount for Geek Service $600.00
Sign up for course on anger management before Geeks will fix cursor … $95.00
Hot spot to connect to internet for I Pad, I Pods …………………………… $115.00
Replace Microsoft Office which crashed when Geeks tried to remedy cursed cursor …… $164.00
Straight jacket ………………………………………………….... $125.00
Gas for five round trips to Geek Squad store …….......... $45.00
Continued therapy for eye-twitch due to computer stress ……................ $700.00

Being able to post to my free blog and communicate with my friends…. PRICELESS?
( well, except for the $3,196.99 it cost me to get back on line)

In a Land Phar, Phar....from McDonald's

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for non-traceable credit card

In a farm house, far, far from McDonald's no happy meals have been eaten since the Evil Dark Visa sent the print out showing four pages of charges to McDonald's. Now Hans Lo Cal has decreed an embargo on all things Mc including Mocha Frappes.

Princess Phat blames the CEO of Mikey D's for their siren call of $1 drinks and the double temptation of two for one hot apple pies.

All was tolerable until McDonald's unveiled their newest Death Star to Dieters...the McChicken Bites. The bites are so tiny and cute that they easily deceive Princess Phat into thinking they couldn't possibly hold many calories. The cute little Chinese take-out boxes they come in, however, are guaranteed to make you hungry again in one hour.

And yes, I, er Princess Phat fell off the diet wagon and went slipping and sliding up and down the golden arches taking tiny bites out of her diet as she went.

Curse you Dark Visa for printing out her transgressions. Next time, she'll use cash.

Tips for Over Worked Parents and Underworked Children

l-

By Jody Worsham

All Rights Reserved for tip jar!

Over the course of some odd sixty plus years, I have learned a few things, mostly by trial and error, heavy on the error part. It is my sincere hope that through my tips you can avoid some embarrassing moments with your neighbors/local law enforcement and possibly keep your name off the school's "Minimal Parenting List". Please tell me your school has one of those and it's not unique to my kid's school. Here are some tips for overworked parents.

1. Now while you may think putting your toddler on a Sit-N-Spin and squirting him with a water hose constitutes doing the laundry, it doesn't work that way … at least not the second time. What does work is to have a different colored laundry basket for each room in the house. Instead of folding clothes, toss items in the appropriate basket. Each person can then be responsible for folding and putting away his "room".
   

1. Children cannot live by bread alone; they must have peanut butter and jelly and sometimes a vegetable or two. To avoid Corn Dog Prone-itis and frost bite fingers, find five good crock pot recipes and keep the ingredients stocked up in your pantry. Post the recipes in a prominent place…like where you keep the chips and chocolate. Dinner can be assembled in the morning and ready to eat by supper time. Invest in those crock pot liners for fast clean up.
   

   
   

2. What parent hasn't made a mad dash to Wal-Mart at 10:00 at night for supplies for a school project due the next morning? Ok, six times six kids for me but by the seventh kid, I learned. When school starts in the fall buy extra folders, markers, poster board, paper, glue, brads and hide them where the kids don't often look, like under their beds. It's cheaper than paying speeding tickets for those late night dashes; I speak from experience.
   

   
   

3. If you are or ever have been the parent of a third grader, then you know what it's like to be scrounging around after dark with a flashlight in your neighbor's back yard; then trying to explain to the nice policeman that you are looking for twig "logs" for a pioneer log cabin due by first period the next day and not attempting burglary. I suggest you buy stick pretzels while you are at Wal-Mart. They come in various log sizes and when glued to a cereal box, look just like logs…sort of…from across the room. At least it might keep your face from being plastered on every street sign by the Neighborhood Crime Watch.
   

   
   

4. While you are at Wal-Mart stocking up on extra school supplies, colored laundry baskets, and pretzel logs, you may as well grab a couple of generic birthday presents for the birthday party you forgot or was told about an hour before the party. Puzzels are good as are Frisbee's and card games. Beats embarrassing the Birthday Child when he tries to cash a hot check.
   

   
   

5. Oh, and my final tip for this time concerns travel. When you've had enough laundry, school projects, crock pot meals, log cabins, instant birthday parties, and you can't take it anymore,
   

   take that brown/black suitcase and wrap bright colored or decorative duct tape around the suitcase just below the zipper line. You will be able to spot your luggage coming off the carousel right away, even among other brown/black suitcases, thereby making a quick get-away before you are caught…or guilt sets in.
   

   
   

If you find these tips useful or even semi-humorous, I will have a tip jar out by the mailbox. Feel free to contribute.