Live Long and Prosper, Monkey Pickles

by JodyWorsham
All rights reserved for Translation App

 I have been a guest writer on Monkey Pickles.Com for the past couple of months.  Huntz is the originator?  owner? Webmaster or something at Monkey Pickles.  He just sent out a memo (make that an e-mo) to all us new pickle writers...or maybe it was just me.

I don't know Huntz that well. I've talked to him once, but I'm thinking he may be a tad dyslexic, has fat fingers and keeps hitting the wrong keys, or he is possibly from another solar system. Here is the gist of what he wrote, I think.  I am writing this from memory having accidentally hit the delete button instead of the translation app.  It could be in English but I am not ruling out Klingon.

Huntz:  "Hope you are logging in backwards to Word Press and separating your words with  < and  > and h2o, with text tabs, and Word Stuff."

Login?? Logs in the woods out here.

 Backin?? Backed into a fence once...ok twice

h2o?? Thought that was water

h2o 2o?  Too much water?


Text? A book I had to read in school.

TAB?  First diet soft drink.

Huntz:  "Choose 3 tags from the most used and season well to increase the pipeline."

I go Tag-less since Michael Jordan appeared  in that TV commercial with the question "Boxers or Briefs" and no tag.  My most used tags are "Large, X-large, and Tent."

The only seasonings I have are salt and pepper but I also like fall and winter. Concerning pipelines, we have Mobile, Exxon, and Texaco and a few hundred others running through most of Texas.  That's about all we can handle right now.

In regard to word press, well I have had some experience there.  Our new puppy chewed up the kids' homework the other day so I had to first find the iron and press the paper so the teacher could read the words. So I do press words.

As the newest and oldest living Monkey Pickler writer and the one with quite possibly the shortest writing career in the history of Monkey Pickles, I can cut and paste and e-mail.  That's it. That is  the extent of my computer-ish-ness.

In the event Huntz is waiting for the Mother Ship to return and is doing Monkey Pickles on the side, I say "Live long and prosper, Huntz (and don't back into any pipelines)."

And I Couldn't Wait for School to Start!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for Geritol and orthopedic roller skates

The start of school must be like childbirth (or so I've heard.) When you have a strong desire for another child, you forget the morning sickness, mood swings, and the 96 hours of labor during which time you questioned the legitimacy of your husband's birth.  How quickly we forget; and how quickly we remember.  

3:30 a.m.  I’m awake.  Might as well get up; it’s 5 o’clock somewhere.  Hey, it’s quiet.  Time to write, after I put on a load of laundry.

6:00 Make lunches and breakfast, in that order

6:30 Get kids up, fed, dressed

7:20 Leave for school

8:05 Return home.  Now what?  Oh, cleaning, cooking, reset smoke detector, cooking again, Wal-Mart, laundry, errands.

1:00  Walk the I’ll –take-care-of-it-you-won’t-ever-have –to-do-anything-for-it-please-please-Dog. Eat lunch; look on blogs for a much needed laugh.

2:00 Pack snacks for after school

2:40  Leave to pick up kids

3-3:30   A blur of snatched snacks, “Sign this”, “Here’s a note.  It wasn’t my fault.” “Look. I got one right!” “This is the (worst, best, coolest, yukkiest) day of my life”.

3:31  Arrive home, throw out uneaten portions of lunches, kids eat “hold me till supper, supper.”

3:36 Start on second grade homework with second grader

3:37 Call second grade teacher for explanation of math assignment.

4:35  Finish with second grader, start on sixth grader.

4:36  Call sixth grade math teacher for help.

6:30  Send starving sixth grader to kitchen for supper while I Google algebra, composite numbers and www.u-b-dumb-n-math.com

7:31 Sixth grader informs you she needs map colors for map assignment due at 8a.m.

7:32 Leave for Wal-Mart to purchase map colors.

8:15 Arrive home, make peanut butter and jelly sandwich for starving second grader’s second supper, give map colors to sixth grader.

8:17 Send second grader to the showers, throw his favorite-must-wear-tomorrow shirt and shorts in the washer.  Rewash 3:30a.m. now dried and semi-sour laundry.

8:23 Call out spelling words to second grader while he is in the shower.

8:30 Sixth grader starts on solar system cut and paste project.

8:31 Google recipe for homemade paste.

8:50 Hold the solar system up in the air to dry as wet naked second grader runs through the house looking for a clean towel.

8:51  Dr. Hubby asks “Need any help?”

8:52   Shotgun located, now searching for shells.

8:59 Give up on locating shells, throw pajamas on now air dried second grader and send him to bed.

9:10  Hand near dry revolving solar system to sixth grader with instructions to pack backpack and go to bed.

9:20 Eat five chocolate cupcakes with a Chocolate Tru-Moo milk chaser.

9:30  Make more chocolate cupcakes

9:45 Reset smoke detector.

10:00 Breathing near normal, blood pressure  278/167 down 89 points.

10:15 Shower, brush teeth, tell Dr. Hubby it is safe to remove flak jacket.

11:00 Sleep

11:45  Jump up and put the favorite-must –wear-tomorrow shirt and shorts in the dryer along with twice washed 3:30 a.m. load

12:00 Sleep

3:30 a.m.  REPEAT with few variations.

I can do this.  I can do this.  Only 175 school days until summer!  It's the most wonderful time of the year.