Live Long and Prosper, Monkey Pickles

by JodyWorsham
All rights reserved for Translation App

 I have been a guest writer on Monkey Pickles.Com for the past couple of months.  Huntz is the originator?  owner? Webmaster or something at Monkey Pickles.  He just sent out a memo (make that an e-mo) to all us new pickle writers...or maybe it was just me.

I don't know Huntz that well. I've talked to him once, but I'm thinking he may be a tad dyslexic, has fat fingers and keeps hitting the wrong keys, or he is possibly from another solar system. Here is the gist of what he wrote, I think.  I am writing this from memory having accidentally hit the delete button instead of the translation app.  It could be in English but I am not ruling out Klingon.

Huntz:  "Hope you are logging in backwards to Word Press and separating your words with  < and  > and h2o, with text tabs, and Word Stuff."

Login?? Logs in the woods out here.

 Backin?? Backed into a fence once...ok twice

h2o?? Thought that was water

h2o 2o?  Too much water?


Text? A book I had to read in school.

TAB?  First diet soft drink.

Huntz:  "Choose 3 tags from the most used and season well to increase the pipeline."

I go Tag-less since Michael Jordan appeared  in that TV commercial with the question "Boxers or Briefs" and no tag.  My most used tags are "Large, X-large, and Tent."

The only seasonings I have are salt and pepper but I also like fall and winter. Concerning pipelines, we have Mobile, Exxon, and Texaco and a few hundred others running through most of Texas.  That's about all we can handle right now.

In regard to word press, well I have had some experience there.  Our new puppy chewed up the kids' homework the other day so I had to first find the iron and press the paper so the teacher could read the words. So I do press words.

As the newest and oldest living Monkey Pickler writer and the one with quite possibly the shortest writing career in the history of Monkey Pickles, I can cut and paste and e-mail.  That's it. That is  the extent of my computer-ish-ness.

In the event Huntz is waiting for the Mother Ship to return and is doing Monkey Pickles on the side, I say "Live long and prosper, Huntz (and don't back into any pipelines)."

E.T....No Pal of Mine!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for the days of Ma Bell

If you watch NatGeo or the Science channel, you know all about the theories of past alien invasions.  I am here to tell you that the aliens are back.  They have used their far advanced technology to infiltrate the internet, our phone systems, and Pay Pal.

Now I know many of you have had to deal with tech support from those who have English as their fourth or fifth language and that is trying, especially if you have older ears trying to  listen to English  spoken with an accent thicker than mud on a hog in August.  But since my recent experience with the alien infiltrated Pay Pal, I would take Mud Hog spoken with any accent.

I shall explain.  After complaining for years about no longer having my wonderful Salad Master Machine that I used twice a year to make potato salad, I found one on E-Bay.  Hooray! And just in time, as it turns out, for the 4^th…of Never!

I checked the pictures of the Salad Master Machine on E-Bay.  It was just like my old one. I compared new prices from the factory.  I looked at the ratings for the seller.  I even had a Pay Pal account to secure my payment so all was good…or so I thought.

Time to make my purchase. When I got to the “How Do You Want to Pay?” I clicked Pay Pal . Long pause as I search through three hundred manila folders for my Pay Pal log in name.   You can see my level of computer competency right?  I found I had failed to write it and my password down.  Not to worry. It’s Pay PAL.  When I couldn’t log in, Pay Pal conveniently asked me to click the following boxes:  “Forgot Log In name? click  Forgot password?…click.  Can’t remember either?  Click and double click.”

 After clicking enough times to secure my position on “Dancing with the Stars, Flamenco Night”, I submitted my telephone number to verify I had an account.  Yep.  There it was…under the yahoo e-mail account that hasn’t let me in since some one…or some THING changed my password years ago and didn’t tell me what it was.

Appearing on the not-yet-blue-scream-of-death computer monitor was my old e-mail account name and “You have been sent instructions for changing your password to the above e-mail.”  AAAAARGGG.  Just before I manhandled the monitor I read the second line. 

“For further assistance click here and leave your phone number.  You will be called immediately to verify that this is your account.”  Good. I can explain my problem.

I clicked…again…and within 60 seconds the phone rang.  A computer (?) generated voice (a.k.a. E.T.?) asked me to punch in the security code I had been given on the blue-scream-of-frustration.  I did. Then E.T. told me how to change my password.  After repeatedly tapping the new password into the phone, E.T. told me a confirmation would be sent….wait for it…wait for it…to the  e-mail account I could not access.

Back to the blue-scream-of-rising-blood-pressure monitor.  “Need help?  E-mail us your problem.” Ooook….

“I need to change my e-mail address on my Pay Pal Account.”

“Instructions will be sent within 24 hours to (you guessed it) the e-mail on your account.” 

Back to the black-and-blue-stream-of-explicatives.  On the monitor was “Call us”. I did.   E.T.’s mother answered.

 “Please say in a few words the nature of your problem.”

“I need to edit the e-mail address on my Pay Pal Account.”

“I can help you with that.  Access your account now and I will lead you step by step through the process.”

“That’s the problem.  I can’t get into my e-mail account.”

“I’m sorry.  I did not get that.  Say AGAIN or say MORE INFORMATION.”

“AGAIN.”

“Please say in a few words the nature of your problem.”

“MORE INFORMATION”

“Please say in a lot more words and with as many details as possible, what we can do to help you with this very important and frustrating problem you are currently experiencing.”

“I want to speak to an earthling!   A being…  or an illegal alien  with an accent…”

“Oh, I can help you with that request.  Push #1 for Klingon …Push 2 for  Mork, Push 3 for  Alph….”

CLICK!!!

I wonder if they take cash on E-Bay …. or the Mother Ship???