A Bird on the Desk is Worth....?

By Jody Worsham ,  grinsandgroans ( at) yahoo.com

All rights reserved for Big Bird

During the course of my half century married to biologist turned kineseologist Dr. Hubby, I have come to expect unexpected guests in our home, backyard, and even the bathtub.  One of his undergraduate projects included trapping a nutria, rendering him dead, and plopping him in my freezer until it was ready for skinning.  A note on the refrigerator would have prevented an early morning warning scream that sent the neighbors into their storm cellars.

Then there was the time he returned home late from calling a basketball game in a nearby town.  Two chickens had fallen off the Pilgrim’s Pride truck that was hauling them to the chicken processing plant.  The hens were wandering along the side of the road in the rain. He rescued them and brought them home.  With no readily available chicken coop, he put them in out bathtub.  Again no note to alert me to the fact that we had guests in the bathtub.  He did very thoughtfully, however, hypnotized the chickens (he can really do this) so that they would be still and quiet so as not to awaken me during the night.  The next morning the neighbors again headed for their storm cellars as the early warning signal sounded. 

Our next guest came from Lake Sam Rayburn.  Dr. Hubby’s day fishing trip had lasted longer than expected so I was already asleep when he got home.   Not wanting to return home empty handed without a string of bass or perch, he brought home what he had caught.. live… and put it in the kitchen sink.  I now know grinnels are about as close to a prehistoric fish as you can find in North America.   Again no note.  In the morning when I went into the kitchen to make coffee, I activated the early warning scream.  This time the neighbors called before heading for their storm cellars.

So I was not surprised when the Tween-ager and the seven-year-old came to the house from the Trump Chicken Condos carrying our next house guest.  It seems that one of the recently added twenty-four chicks was being picked on by the other chicks.  She was literally the butt of their beaks.  Since she was missing several tail feathers, nothing would do but separate her from the other birds.  So our next guest found herself in a cardboard box on the desk in the playroom.

My writing lamp was whisked off my desk to provide warmth for the chick.  My ceramic ramekins became the perfect sized feeder and water bowl for this bird.  Today’s newspaper, still unread, became lining for the box.  The shi tzu was not a hospitable hostess and let everyone know it.  She upset the chick so much that it decided to check out early.  Dr. Hubby caught her in mid-flight just as he came in the door.  He didn’t look surprised to see a baby chicken in a box on a desk in the playroom with my reading lamp.

All he said was “What? No note?”

Egg-o-nomics

 

It isn’t a Faberge, but it could be!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved to explain the national debt

This all started with a business our tween-ager got for her birthday; actually it was the promise of a business.  Really it was to be a hands-on business opportunity to explain how economics works and to provide her spending money.  Together we would build a chicken pen, purchase some chickens, sell the eggs and make a fortune.

Our first mistake was purchasing 12 chickens on the Clearance Aisle at the local feed store.  They were labeled as black and white speckled domineckers, the kind that is featured on country style dish towels and wallpaper.  After a month of living in the barn and losing their cute yellow fuzz, none of them were black and white. They appeared to be the illegitimate chicks of some Rhode Island Red and “a visiting rooster”.    

Our second mistake was in underestimating the amount of space they would need.  As they grew, so did the plans for the Trump Chicken Condos (see previous blog).  Finally the TCC was ready for chickens.

All 12 chickens were transferred to Trump Condos.  The tween-ager bought a clip board, calculator, pens, and a ledger to keep track of expenses.

April 2…..  12 chickens @ $3 each                                                                              $36

April 3….. l sack of chick starter                                                                                                 $ 7

April 17    2^nd sack of chick starter $8.50                                                                  $8.50

May 1      50 feet of chicken wire, rafters, 24 2x4, tin, screws                        $489

May 2      3^rd sack of chick feed $9.00                                                                        $9.00

May 14    Expanded Trump Chicken Condos, chain link, mortar, doors,      $598

May  20   Additional feeder and waterer                                                                               $25

June 1      Covered antique brick porch, rafters, tin                                           $289

June 2     4 bags chicken feed @ $10                                                                         $40

June  16  4 bags chicken feed @ $12 each                                                              $48

July 6     `5 bags chicken feed @ $13 each                                                               $53

July 30  Discovers one chicken is a rooster (don’t ask)  

Aug. 1 Adjusts projected income based on a dozen eggs a day to 11 eggs a day.

Aug. 2 Applies for Federal Disaster Relief based on loss of 365 eggs per year.

Aug. 3 Turned down as rooster is considered an asset capable of producing more chickens

Aug. 4 Reapplies for projected Federal Disaster Relief as future baby chicks could also be roosters.

Aug. 5  Turned down as Federal Government does not discriminate based on sex, same or opposite

Aug. 6  Advertises Rooster on E-bay.

Aug-Sept.  10 bags of laying mash @$13 each                         $l30

Sept.  11  The first egg laid at a cost of                                     $1,740.50

Oct 24, 2077   Projected date when business will show a profit

Sept. 12 Files for Chapter 11

Sept. 13 Federal Government authorizes a bail-out of $2,984.00 based on number of persons who would be unemployed if her business failed.

Sept. 14 Files suite against chicken hatchery for mis-sexed birds

Oct. 1  Punitive damages of $3,894.22 awarded, lawyer takes half

Oct. 5  GOP pays $1,740.50 NOT to raise chickens in the future.

Oct. 6    Throws big party serving  Sunny Delight, deviled eggs, and FRIED CHICKEN!

And that, my dear, is why America is in debt and no you can’t start a gold fish farm!

Which Came First...the Chicken or the Egg?

Which Came First…The Chicken or the Egg?

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved to work for chicken feed

Those of you who read my blog on a regular basis have come to expect a certain amount of intellectual wisdom gained through years of repeating the same mistakes over and over.  Some even look forward to the broad picture as seen through the declining eyesight of a near septuagenarian.  Today I shall combine philosophy with architecture as a visual means to enlighten those who can’t find their reading glasses.

First to address the age old question:  which came first the chicken or the egg?  The answer is not complex at all. The first to come would be the chicken pen for without the chicken pen there would be no chickens or eggs due to marauding critters.  Just as civilizations are judged by the architecture that is left behind, so can our civilization be judged by the architecture of the chicken pen which, as I said before, had to come first.  Even city dwellers have begun to have backyard chicken pens, also known as coops.  Cages have been designed for apartment dwellers.  Following the philosophy that free range chicken eggs are best, apartment dwellers have been encouraged to turn their patio birds out to roam freely on the balcony for a few hours each day.

The ultimate evidence that bird architecture has been taken to new heights is the Trump Chicken Condos also known as the TCC on the Worsham 35 acre semi-plantation in lovely downtown East Texas.  The plan started out as a simple roof structure enclosed with chicken wire over an existing concrete slab.  Security questions came into play and chain link fencing was added on top of the chicken wire.  Recycled French doors to provide light along the north wall and added a certain classic charm. Turned sideways, the doors were  raised to provide protection from the wind and rain.  The coop would need to be wired for electricity so that a ceiling fan could be installed to provide coolness in the summer and of course the pre-requisite radio to provide laying music.

 The coop plan was then expanded to include a covered outdoor area with a natural grassy space for that free-range element.  To live up to Trump standards, a covered antique brick inlayed porch would allow for Gator parking while unloading feed and lawn chairs for bird watching.  Silver painted laying nests attached to a wall with a private entrance for each chicken would give that chic loft living feel.  A large porthole would provide easy access for the chicken and allow her to observe the rest of the community while laying her egg in cedar and hickory scented sawdust.

If any of you are interested in investing in a  Trump Chicken Condos or our lease-to-own chickens , you may contact me at jodyworsham@gmail.com  There are a few condos still available but they are going fast.  Next week Egg-onomics or the Faberge Knockoffs.

Operation Black and Blue Friday

By Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for body armor

It was a glorious Thanksgiving. After an eleven minute dinner, the guests were ushered out the door with a to-go-box and "Have a safe trip!" I had Buck Fever. The adrenaline was pumping. It was time to assemble my gear. Orthopedic arch inserts? Check. Water bottle? Check. Credit cards cleaned and oiled for quick sliding? Check. Chocolate M&M pretzels? Check. Cell phone charged. Check. Angry Birds loaded onto the ten teen's I Pod? Check and Double Check. I was ready to spend bucks to save bucks.

The object of my Black Friday hunt? A new trampoline with enclosure and padding. As Confucius, ancient Chinese philosopher and Businessman and the originator of the "Own America" campaign, once said "He who makes net and padding wear out same time as trampoline, only sell once." Or as his cousin Wing-a-Ding-Wan-Yo-Money Trump put it "Wise man make cheaper to buy two than to buy one even if one is all you need".

Having previously scouted out Wal-Mart, I knew the number of trampoline boxes available (48), where they were located (garden center patio), and time I could load (10 p.m.). To secure the most advantageous spot, I needed to be in position by 7 p.m., three hours before the season opened. Done, Done, and Double Done!

7:11 There is only myself and two other people standing by the pile of trampolines. I strategically place myself and my basket near a support post and the end stack of trampolines. A small crowd of three or four adults have gathered in the corner where about twenty 12 volt white convertible Barbie type cars are stacked two deep and three high. I pull out Angry Birds. Low battery. I begin to crowd watch and eves drop.

7:35 I become friends with a young man who's I.D. tag says "Event Staff". He seems fit and healthy and capable of loading a 200 pound trampoline in my buggy. I'll recruit him for later.

8:30 The crowd is increasing, notably the group milling around the 12 volt Barbie type cars and a new group around the Play Tyme Custom Kitchens just behind me. Strategies being planned. "Now be ready to go into action the minute it's 10:00. People will push, shove, and bite but hang in there, stand your ground. Use your cell phone for backup but only if you are losing the battle." I thought it was a security guard behind me talking on his walkie talkie but it was some Mom instructing her teenage daughter, a Black Friday novice. Several security guards are making a line of defense in front of the outside exit doors. The S.W.A.T team has arrived complete with flak jackets, walkie talkies on each hip and enough battery packs to power four mini TV's. This is going to be big.

8:55. The hairs on the back of my neck are tingling. The crowd is larger and shopping carts have been circled in a defensive formation around the Barbie cars and Custom Kitchens against late comers. I half expect to see Geronimo and his warriors come through the doors.

9:05 My M&M's are gone and half of my water. The crowd is shifting around restlessly. Some of the late comers are sporting intimidating t-shirts. One says "P_ss, Puke, Blood, Guts". I don't know if he is referring to shoppers who stood in his way in the past or if this is an indication that the turkey and potato salad had been left out too long earlier in the day.

There is enough cell phone action going on that I'm surprised Verizon isn't saying "I can hear everybody now." "Bravo One to Bravo Two. We have 12 volt convertible in range. Scanning the bar code now. Yes this is the best price. We have flanked the target on both sides. Over and out."

9:25 There are NO security guards in sight but several Alabama line backers have arrived to secure a Kiddie Custom Kitchen. I'm sure they will get one. There are now 20 Barbie type cars and 60 car-wanters… who can also count. I am digging in. This could get ugly and I don't mean just the view of my backside squashed behind a six inch support pole and a wall of trampoline boxes.

9:59. 5-4-3-2-1 START SHOPPING! I unsquash myself from behind the pole and fling my arms on top of my trampoline box. Some Granny next to me is jamming my shopping cart into my ribs as she wrestles her trampoline into her cart. No pain, no trampoline. An altercation is erupting in the Barbie car lot as I suspected. The Incredible Hulk is emerging from the car lot, probably due to the stress, and has two white 12 volt convertible boxes held high over his head. I can only assume he is divorced, has twin daughters visiting for Christmas, and this is the only thing they wanted. The SWAT team arrives, from somewhere, and handles the situation.

Within five minutes the garden center looks like a hurricane has blown in and swept the area clean. There is nothing left but three bicycles and me wrapped around my trampoline box. I hope my recruit shows up soon.

10:31 Target is acquired and secure in the back of my truck.

10:32 Replenished M&Ms and back in line for the three-in-one printers ready to go on sale at 12:01.

God bless free enterprise! Over and out!