Tips from Beneath the Iceberg

 

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for wax on, wax hair off

I was recently asked via e-mail to do a blog on ways to save time, energy, and money, and oh, could I also mention The Shave Club in my post?

Well, being the seasoned blogger that I am with a readership of over 6 people per week, I know to ask certain questions.

First of all, was this a legitimate club?  The next day I saw a commercial on TV for The Shave Club.  Everybody knows if you see it on TV, as opposed to just on the internet, it is for real.

Having ascertained by way of my DISH satellite that this was an actual paid commercial for The Shave Club, I then asked the more obvious questions.  See I really listened to Michele Wojciechowski at the Erma Bombeck Writers Conference Session I .  Was I going to receive free razors? Free razor blades?  A link to my blog? Publicity? A week’s supply of Preparation H?  Updated Minecraft for my I-pod? Any of the above?  The answer was "NO".

So I am not going to be mention The Shave Club in my blog but I am going to give you some tips on how I have saved time and money raising eight kids over the past 50 years, but it is not free.  If you read this, I ask that you leave a comment.  I am hoping to increase my readership by ten; then maybe I'll get a free razor or at least a free razor blade if anybody else asks me to plug their product.

Tip #1.  If you have children in the fourth grade, or who are still in the fourth grade after seven years in the public school system, this tip is for you.  Instead of refusing to go into the woods at midnight to get twigs for that log cabin project that is due tomorrow (the one they forgot to tell you about) just go to the store and buy some pretzel sticks.  They make great logs.  If you don't want to scrape the salt off, have the kid tell the teacher it is winter time...but not that the cabin was built next to a large bird sanctuary.  This might be just the log cabin that gets your kid out of the fourth grade.

Tip #2.  If you can't afford a bank loan so your kids can go to a movie this summer, entertain them at home.  During the night glue a few dollar bills to a tree.  In the morning tell the kids that contrary to what their dad says, money does grow on trees so go outside and pick some money off the money tree.  Then give them a spoon and a handful of pennies and tell them to go plant their own money trees.

I have 157 more time and money saving ideas but I'm going to wait and see much my readership increases after these two.  Like Tracy Beckerman said at the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop Session II, "Don't give the good stuff away."

New Year's Predictions from the Swami Mommie

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for Predictable Predictions

I have had the privilege of interviewing the Texas Swami Mommie for the past several decades and I can tell you she is batting a thousand, 0 for 70, on a roll when it comes to New Year Predictions.  Here is what she told me last night.

1.  Gasoline prices will go up, then down, then up but will not stabilize in 2014.

2.  There will be scandal in Washington, but not in Nevada where it is legal.

3.  The Supreme Court will  determine if Twerking is pornography or just safe sex as practiced by Miley Cyrus in public.

4.  Obama Care becomes "I Don't Care".

5.  K-Mart, who gave us "I shipped my pants" and the jingling "bells", is continuing their marketing strategy with a variation of Deck the Halls for 2014.  Contract negations are underway with the Chippendales and The Thunder from Down Under.

6.  The National Spelling Bee, no longer having any qualifiers, will become the National Texting Bee. TMYDTD (texting makes you dumber than dirt)

7.  A&E's executives will be required to under go 200 hours of sensitivity training and remedial accounting.

8.  A printed newspaper will become the newest exhibit at the Smithsonian and placed next to a book.

9. DISH and Direct TV will see competition from U-tube.

10.  Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, will seek US citizenship in order to run for Congress.