Black Friday and Brown Thursday?

A Sale-a-bration!
by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for a cold shower

Black Friday has now expanded into Brown Thursday notably with several stores having sales starting as early as 6p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. I guess Wal-Mart, also known to the media as Brawl-Mart, figured since they were open anyway, they may has well rack up a few extra million in sales.

With nothing major on my "must have Christmas list" this year, I joined the crowds anyway.  I had "buck" fever. It was the thrill of the hunt. Like some neanderthal cave person, the fear of starvation or in my case missing out on a good buy, drove me from mind numbing marathon football games into the stores.

As I was wandering the aisles, I encountered old friends, not people I knew, but merchandise I hadn't seen since last year...the George Foreman Grill, the foot massager, the heated back pad, the soap on a rope, the cellophane wrapped gift baskets of toe nail clippers, back scrubbers, and lotion. They were all there.  I wondered how we managed to buy a wedding gift or a birthday present during the rest of the year.  I mean you can't find those 32 piece Tupperware look-a-likes with the red lids at any other time.

I had the twelve-year-old with me again.  This was her second BF and first BT (Brown Thursday).  Like a young cub, she was learning.

Dr. Hubby thinks I am a walking contradiction.  I don't allow her to watch violent movies, attend NASCAR races, or  pierce her ears, but I put her in the middle of the biggest free for all of the year.  Ok, for months she did talk about the fight over 800 thread count sheets she witnessed at Target last year but that was different.  That was 800 threads!  And besides, I was not encouraging gladiator mentality.

As 6 p.m. drew closer, the crowds began to circle and mill around the one cup electric food choppers encased in shrink wrap located in the automotive aisle.  I glanced at the twelve-year-old. Her nostrils began to flare, her eyes widened, and she was breathing faster.  The little hairs on the back of our necks began to stand on end. At 5:59 the crowd exploded.  Someone standing very close to me yelled "FIGHT".

The Food Chopper minimum wage security guard ran for the nearest exit.  Food choppers were flying through the air, sometimes attached to a person. Shrink wrap lassos were pulling choppers from the top. Arthritic old ladies became Roller Derby Mamas as they crashed their way through the crowd.  It was glorious!

By the time the S.W.A.T. team arrived it was over.  Hub caps, motor oil, and turtle wax were scrambled amidst shrink wrap, chopper lids, and empty boxes.

It was time to leave...
                                        for the next store.

Stay tuned next week for "Kung Fu Street Shopping"

The Germs Have It?

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for a little common sense.

Maybe because it is late at night and my brain is only hearing half of the television commercials or, which is more likely, the commercials really are that dumb. My subconscious has been subjected to ads for giant cupcake pans, Eggies for boiling eggs without the shell provided you can still find all the parts, and pajama blue jeans which only look good on those physically fit who wear a size two.

The ultimate dumbest commercial to date, just slightly ahead of the Eggies, is the hands free soap dispenser. Now granted, a hands free touch faucet makes sense. If your hands are really dirty, then touching the faucet with your elbow, your nose, or your big toe if you are into yoga or Pilates makes sense. Even a hands free paper towel dispenser would protect your clean hands, especially if the previous person touching the paper towel dispenser lever did not do a good job of washing his/her hands, but a hands free soap dispenser?!

The advertisement touts "prevents the spread of germs." Ok, now you are getting soap to wash the germs off your hands, right? So washing a few extra germs picked up from the soap dispenser isn't going to break the germicidal bank. Plus, is the soap dispenser suddenly going to shower the room with germ spores? Are the germs congregating just south of the dispenser mechanism waiting to make a gigantic jump through the air? If the soap in the hands free soap dispenser cannot fight off the germs left by the hands the soap is supposed to clean, then it isn't going to make any difference if the soap dispenser is hands free or not. Besides, who is going to touch the soap dispenser and NOT wash their hands?

Better that germ fearing inventors turn their efforts toward inventing a hands free toothpaste dispenser. Now there's a germ laden object just waiting to explode. Think about it. Multiple hands touching the tube, (why am I the only one with toothpaste in the house) then tossing it on various counters that may or may not have been the semi-final resting place for pet frogs, worms, and gold fish? Hands griping the twisted distorted tube, squirting crusted semi-dried goo onto a toothbrush, then said hand and brush going to your mouth. Bleeegh!

Put toothpaste in those individual packets like catsup or put toothpaste in your hands free soap dispenser. At least that would make sense.

If, however, you are one of the millions who bought the hands free soap dispenser you can just toss it in the drawer with the missing eggie parts when the batteries run down. Your hands can still get clean with old fashioned soap-on-a-rope.