Recap to Fill in the Gap or Pumpkin is a vegetable, right?

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for Haz Mat Suites

First I would like to thank all of you for waiting for my death notice to appear on Facebook before calling to check as to the reason for my absence from the blogging scene.  It is so hard to find my phone or my I-Pad amidst the Mount Everest of Kleenx.  

So, a recap.  I guess all this began with the decision as to when the Thanksgiving meal should take place.  Should I call my eleven guests and inform them we were having Thanksgiving Breakfast or Thanksgiving Brunch?  With the start times for Black Friday shopping now beginning on Blue Thursday afternoon, it was imperative that the teen-ager and I be in line by 2p.m. for the Wal-Mart Six Hour Price Guarantee for the 643-inch-indoor-drive-in-movie TV.

“Hi, sorry to be calling so early this morning, but we will be having Thanksgiving Brunch at our house this year instead of Thanksgiving dinner.  As per the sales flyers, we must be finished with brunch and in line by 2p.m.  Thank you so much.  Look forward to visiting with you shortly.”

Black Friday/Blue Thursday shopping is all about logistics and communication.  While the turkey and bacon were frying, I charged the phones and cross referenced the start times for all the bargains.    To save time, I had the dessert on the buffet table rather than at a separate table .  Ok, technically pumpkin is a vegetable, so what if it is served as a pie?

In keeping with the holiday spirit, the teenager gave the succinct prayer. “God? Thanks.” By the time the last person cleared the buffet line, I was loading the dishwasher, squishing in my Dr. Scholes gellin’ insoles, and thanking everyone for coming.  It was “Show Time!”

Ever since the infamous sheet “incident” at Wal-Mart last year resulting in a 9-1-1- call,  a fight,, and everyone being three sheets to the wind, the nine-year-old has begged to be part of the shopping scene.  I told him BF/BT was rated PG-13 for violence and he was too young.

By 2p.m. the teen-ager was entrenched in the line for the compact freezer sale which would begin at 6p.m. and I was sixth in line for the Drive-in-Movie size TV which began in the frozen food section of Wal-Mart. 

Normally I make some life-long friends during the four hour wait but this must have been the year for I-HOB, International Hallway of Bargains.  I had an Oriental couple to my left and a Latin American family to my right.  During the four-hour wait, I did a lot of smiling, nodding my head, and making non-committal sounds as I could not break through the accent barrier.  At one point I wasn’t sure if the Oriental lady was speaking English or Chinese to her husband.  It all sounded the same to my ears.   When we got tired of standing, we perched on the edge of the frozen food bins until our buns were as frozen as the rump roast on sale there.

True to their word, at exactly 6p.m. Wal-Mart issued a certificate to those of us who could be pried from the frozen food bin, for a big screen TV that we could pay for right then.  The certificate also entitled us to get in line by 8 p.m. to receive the actual TV.  The next hour and a half wait was more comfortable as I was able to pass the time by reading every label on every detergent carried by Wal-Mart. 

True to their word, as exactly 8p.m., the line began to move.  I showed the clerk my receipt for the TV, and she said “Yes, you will definitely get your TV today” and gave me a pass number so I could get my truck in line for the Large Item Pick-up in Automotive. 

At some point during the previous six hour wait, the teen-ager phoned from the pharmacy to say a pillow fight had broken out next to the small freezer line where she was.  “Are you ok?  Was anyone hurt?”  “Mom, it was a pillow fight, a fight for pillows.  No police. What’s with these people and their linens anyway?”  Ah, a question for another time.  “Anyway, I have the certificate so you can pay for the freezer and a pass code so you can get the truck in line…”  “I know, automotive, Large Item Pick Up.”

By 10:00 p.m. we were home with our pick-up truck loaded with a freezer and a giant screen   TV.  My throat was scratchy and I was hungry.  Both situations were solved with a big slice of vegetable pie, pumpkin, of course.

Next Week….Replicate, Duplicate, and Cloning

The Stake Out

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for Camouflage and Dr. Scholes Gel Inserts

 

My hubby says I watch too much HGTV.  He usually says this whenever I come up with another grand plan to remodel the entire house or paint the paneling.  His reply is always the same “Leave that to your next husband after he wins the lottery.”

The chances of winning the lottery are slim to none and I’ve already invested 50 years in getting used to this hubby so I am going to Plan B.

Plan B is to stake out Home Depot and Lowes and look for the DIY Crashers.  It doesn’t matter what they want to crash ___bath, kitchen, yard, house, ___I need it all.   We started building our house in l973; it is a work in non-progress.  Last Saturday I spent all day at Lowes looking for the crashers.  I wandered the plumbing aisles looking for Matt Muenster, the cabinet aisles looking for Alison Victoria, the garden section for Ahmed Hassan and Matt Blashaw, and the storage section in search of Josh Temple.

I should have worn my glasses.  After asking total strangers if they wanted to follow me home (well, they looked like the men and women of DIY and HGTV), Lowes was beginning to follow me around.  Before they called our local vice squad and my name appeared in the local Crime Report, I bailed for Home Depot in search of the haters: you know, James Young and I Hate My Kitchen, I Hate My Bath with Jeff Devlin , and the new girl Sara Bendrick with I Hate My Yard.

After hanging around Home Depot for the entire afternoon, the only thing I hated more than my house was my aching feet.  Nobody wanted to follow me home.  Nobody offered to fix anything in my house.  Nobody even asked what I was doing there, so I went home.

After reviewing some  episodes of HGTV and DYI, I came to the conclusion I didn’t stage myself properly.   I should have covered the gray in my hair and put on a body Spanx for sure.  Most of the “targets” were young, slim, and trim, and only rarely did I see anyone over the age of 35.   Probably according to their audience demographics, viewers were not interested in seeing bathtubs with rails, raised potties, and roll in showers for the senior citizen group.  From a long term advertisement investment, they would get more mileage out of the 20-35 age group than the older group!

Personally, I think they are missing the boat.  Most of us Baby-Boomers Plus own our own homes which haven’t been updated since the 70’s because we have been busy working, paying bills, and putting our children through college without taking government hand-outs.  We would have updated our mortgage-free homes in our retirement years except 2.3 million of us are raising or caring for our grandchildren. 

 It is easy for designers to create spa like bathrooms, but the challenge is to make an attractive spa like bathroom for seniors that doesn’t look like a physical rehab center.  To be fair I did see an episode where Matt designed a bath for a handicapped young man.  Plant those shrubs, put in that water/fire feature but can you do that and make it low maintenance and economically feasible for persons on a fixed income?  Can you design a kitchen that has non-slip flooring, accessible cabinets, and safety features that are attractive and functional?

Even if you aren’t a Baby Boomer, there are many adults with Baby Boomer parents who would like to see their parents remain in their own homes, independent and safe, or who must now adapt their own homes to accommodate the needs of senior parents who may be moving in with them.

So, HGTV, DIY, that’s your challenge.  In the meantime, I’m going back to Lowes for some paint and lumber.  Forget the hair color, the body Spanx, and the stake out.  Just like the Little Red Hen, I’ll DIM (Do it Myself.)

Ok, I really didn’t do any of that but I thought about it.  And Mother always said “It’s the thought that counts.”