TP and the Phone Home

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for tin can and sting

I am not one of those people whose cell phone has become a permanent appendage that has evolved through a very short evolutionary process.  My husband, as technologically challenged as he is (he till carries a flip phone), is seldom without his phone.

We have often laughed at our friends who will text each other while sitting at the same table or friends who go to a sporting event, but watch it on their i-phone once they get there.

I have come to re-think the "in-house" use of the cell phone.  I was in our bedroom on the far end of our house doing some writing. My cell phone rang but I had no idea where it was.  A search under the bed, in my jean pockets, in the dirty clothes, and my handbag revealed no cell phone.  My hearing is going the way of my cooking, non directional.  The ringing stopped, so I went back to my computer.

Then our land line phone rang.  We keep our land line because, well, I can't ever find my cell phone.  The children discovered that if you place the phone on a tin plate, it will ring loud enough that even I can hear it.  So I went down the hall through the dining room to the living room to answer the phone.  It was Dr. Hubby in the guest bathroom a few feet away.

"Bring me some toilet paper."

"Where are you?"

"In the guest bathroom."

"Why didn't you just holler?"

"I did.  I even called you on your cell phone.  Then I remembered the phone on the tin plate.  I knew that would get you to the phone."

"Why didn't you text me?"  The children found the highest pitched and loudest ring tone available for text messages.  Even if I can't hear that pitch, the dogs can.  They jump up and down to let me know.  

"I know how you feel about texting in the house."

"Well if you had texted me, I could have found my cell phone."

"If I text you, will you bring me some toilet paper?"

"Yes, if I can find my cell phone."

"Say Goodnight, Gracie!"

"Goodnight Gracie.  Do you still need toilet paper?"

I-Moan Part One

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for I-Phone lessons

As I am about to enter decade number seven, I am determined to have an up to date telephone.  I can handle technology even if it is changing faster than my moods.  I am an intelligent, creative human being.  Over the years I have created stunning set designs with nothing more than toilet paper tubes,  nylon trotline twine, and a can of spray paint.  I have altered size 4 costumes to accommodate a size 14 body.  I can certainly learn to use an I-Phone 4.  Besides, I have a seven-year-old and an eleven-year-old on call 24/7 for tutoring.

I began my quest into 21st century technology with a visit to my AT&T store and Alex, a knowledgeable employee who, despite his mere two decades of age, spoke fluent "Senior."

"Alex, I want a new phone."

"Good decision," he said as he looked at my paint less flip-phone. "And what do you want to do on it?" he said speaking in flawless "Senior."

"I want to call somebody, answer it when it rings, and text."

"This I-Phone 4 will do that."

"Will it do anything else?"

"Yes, but only if you want it to."

"Like what?" I asked fearfully.

"You see that I-pad you are carrying?  It will do everything your I-Pad will do. It is just smaller.  And this phone will serve as your hot spot for wi-fi so you will have one less thing to keep up with."

"Ok, let me have it."

"Good. It will take just a minute to set up your new phone so you will be ready to use it.  And before you leave, I will show you how to call, answer, text and I will connect your I-Pad to the Hot Spot.  While I do that, here is a bottle of cold water for you to drink."

Somewhere, Alex's Grandmother is beaming with pride.

In just a few minutes Alex returned with my phone.

"Now here is your password, you answer it by sliding this bar and tapping this..."

"Wait a minute.  Let me write this down."

At this point the eleven-year-old rolled her eyes and said pitifully "She has to write everything down on PAPER."

"For your information, young lady, paper and pen do not require batteries.  If I drop it in the pool, I can still read it.  It never becomes outdated nor is there ever a need to update it.  No password is required to access this information. Should I ever decide to pass this phone on to you, you will have written instructions on how to use it."

"By then the I-Phone 24 will be out."

The next day we left with the two kids on a road trip.  I was to get my first lesson from the eleven-year-old on using the I-Phone.  Let me just say right here that despite the fact that I learned to speak two-year-old fluently  and was fairly good at deciphering toddler jibberish, my children failed to learn to speak "Senior."t

A.T.M. (All Telephone Manners)

By Jody Worsham, Feb. 2011

All rights reserved for Emily Post app for cell phone

A writer friend posed an interesting question. Do you talk while sitting on "the throne"? I have an equally interesting response "Do you have one of those video web phones?" because that is an entirely different roll of toilet paper.

Before, with telephones securely attached to the wall in the hall or the living room, telephone wearing apparel and manners were obvious because usually there was a parent or some family member in the same room with you while you were on the phone.

Because cell phones have become so tiny, so powerful, so technically advanced, we of the Emily Post generation find ourselves in unexplored etiquette territory. Therefore, to keep Generation X from becoming Generation XXX, I offer these rule addendums to dear Emily Post.

First, do not ask "What'cha doing" when calling a friend, given all the things that friend could be doing with a hands free cell phone clipped to the ear. You really might not want to know.

Second, with the first rule in mind, do not end a conversation with "Gotta go." That just leaves you open for all sorts of interpretations.

Third, given the total portability of our phones, do not ask the person to whom you are speaking to "Hold it" or "Hold on for a second." Given the question posed at the beginning of this piece that might not be possible.

Fourth, flushing and flashing are no longer considered proper etiquette while on the phone. Wait until the caller has hung up before you flush or drop that towel.

Fifth, when in doubt, put a black bag around your phone before answering it. You never know when that telemarketer might just have a webcam phone and is secretly taping you for that new reality show "Bare All."

I hope this has cleared up some of those troubling little questions you may have had regarding bathroom/cell phone etiquette. I'm sure in the next edition of Emily Post, there will be entire chapters devoted to cell phone, webcam, text, and virtual weddings.

He Knew What He Was Dealing With!

He Knew What He Was Dealing With
By Jody Worsham, All rights reserved for a brain June 2010


I got a new cell phone today. It was time for an upgrade. Translation: Time for AT&T to tell me all the latest things a phone can do and get more of my hard earned money.

I will say the young salesman was superb. He was very patient. I told him I wanted a phone just like my land line only one I could put in my purse.
He helped me find a phone with large numbers and loud volume. He transferred all my numbers for me.

He showed me how to turn the phone on and off. He even put two of my most used phone numbers in the quick dial. He showed me how to retrieve missed calls. Then he had me go through all of that to be sure I was comfortable using the phone. He warned me that if I used the phone for e-mail or internet, AT&T would charge me. I asked him to disable that part and he did. My eight-year-old could figure it out even if I couldn't.

He even sacked up my charger, box, headset, holder etc. He carried it to the door for me and then held the door open for me as I left. I was beginning to wonder if my gray roots were showing too much or I needed a face lift worse than I thought.

When I reached my car, I realized he must have been watching as I drove up. I had gotten out, opened the back of the suburban for a bottle of water, locked the car with my beeper and came inside...... leaving the driver's side door wide open the entire time.

He knew what he was dealing with.