"Thar She Blows!"

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for WD40

When the shipboard intercom blares out "Whales on the starboard bow," I don't want everyone on the cruise ship turning to look at me.  We are taking a cruise in four months for our 50th wedding anniversary and I must admit (mirrors don't lie so I have to admit it) I have known a few cheeseburgers, known as in the Biblical sense.

So I once again dusted off the "Sweating to the Oldies" DVD and vowed I would not miss a day until my ship comes in and we leave on it.  You would think my family would be supportive since, sans 50 pounds, I would have more energy to take care of them.  Not so.

The very first day of “Sweating to the Oldies”, right in the middle of "Peggy Sue", the eight-year-old walks into the den and quips "I don't even know how to respond to this."  The next day at the beginning of "Am not No Mountain High Enough" as I was groaning and attempting to ratchet my left leg out straight with the floor, Dr. Hubby rushes in to ask if I had fallen. Ok, you might count that as supportive, but I think it was concern for the tiled floor.

I have sweated to the oldies for seven days now. The only difference that I have noticed is that I have a few thousand more muscles than I remember having in my twenties and they are all telling me exactly where they are and to what major body part they are connected to.  Also the beat to "Wipe Out" seems to be accentuated by the crunching of shoulder bone against shoulder bone.  The knee bones get into the act about the middle of "He's a Rebel" which I have renamed "He's a Rebel and My Whole Body Knows It".

Since I refuse to wear a “granny” bathing suite with a skirt, I will have to keep sweating to the old and moldies. 

Whale sightings are going to be likely on this upcoming cruise.  I just don’t want to be one of them.

Duck (make that) Bird Tape

by JodyWorsham
All rights reserved for taping ducks

I admit to using duck tape for a variety of reasons:  splicing 2x4's together, repairing a hem in a costume, making a dress form by wrapping a model wearing a t-shirt with multiple layers of duck tape, waterproof bandages for a horse's hoof, the normal every day things people do with it.  I have not yet resorted to trapping wildlife or making a tape ladder; although that does sound intriguing.

No, I will leave the more creative aspects of duck tape  usage to Dr. Hubby.  A long time advocate of such home remedies as WD-40 for wounded chickens, Vick's Vapo Rub for what ails you, and Old Spice Shaving Lotion for making  orphan calves acceptable to our Jersey cow, he has now added Duck Tape to his arsenal of home repair tools.

Recently our eight-year-old was testing the structural integrity of a bird's nest in the event of an earthquake registering 9 on the Richter Scale, by jumping up and down on the tree limb holding the bird nest.  He reported, after being caught, that th should not be insured by the good hands people.  Dr. Hubby examined the proverbial bird nest on the ground and saw that the eggs in the nest were unharmed thanks to the copious amounts of dog fur collected by the bird parents from our shedding Labrador.  I'm not sure the lab meant to shed so much fur, but the birds were fast.

Dr. Hubby picked up the nest and put it back in the tree.  Concerned that the structure might have been compromised by the budding seismologist and the 14 foot fall to the ground, Dr. Hubby brought out the duck tape and secured the nest to the branch.

The bird parents returned to check out their hew industrial high rise.  They liked the new industrial look.  Having your TV on HGTV facing the patio door and their tree, I
m sure, helped them acclimate to their new living quarters.

A few weeks later, the eggs had hatched and all had flown the nest.  Because duck tape is so strong, the nest will remain for the next tenants for years to come.

Duck Tape Condos may become all the rage.  The eight-year-old is already considering an online business for do it yourself bird nest builders. The kit would include a roll of  duck tape, which he is renaming bird tape, some twigs, and fur from a yellow lab named Sandy;  that is if Sandy isn't bald by then.

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