I Been Framed!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved to purchase antique copies of TV Guide

When my eight-year-old said he volunteered me as the Dynasty lady to do face painting at his school’s annual field day, I was flattered.  I had visions of a mature Linda Evans in a designer gown, dripping in diamonds painting unicorns and fairies on sweet little faces;  so of course, I said yes.   Then he asked me if I knew how to paint a good duck, and the other shoe fell.  I lied and said yes.

I signed up for a two hour session; that way I had a way out if needed.  Face painting would involve sitting down, under a shade.  How hard could that be?  Besides, I already had my own brushes. 

I arrived early as instructed with paint brushes in hand and my Shakespeare printed apron on. My three other face painters and I were taken outdoors to a covered area with tables and chairs.  The lady in charge gave us our instructions.

“We have thirty minutes with each grade for face painting so don’t get too elaborate or take too long with each design.  Second grade will be arriving …just….about...Now.”  And we were off.

My eight-year-old was in the second grade group.  He spotted me right away.

“Here she is guys.  The best Duck Dynasty drawer ever.  Just tell her what you want.”

I went from visions of Linda Evans drawing cute Donald Ducks to Miss Kate drawing dead birds and road kill.

"Out, Out, Dammed Spot"

by Jody Worsham
All rights reserved for cleaning supplies.

As you know, Shakespeare took ideas from life, overheard conversations, and history. Lady Macbeth’s famous sleep walking speech was probably first spoken by Will’s Mom on laundry day as she tried to remove the grass stains from his pants. She could have used some of our modern day stain fighters.
A trip down the laundry aisle at your local Wally World will produce more stain fighting products then you have “dreamt of, dear Horatio”. There is Oxiclean which purports to bubble the stain right out. There is “Shout” which I guess replaces “Scream It Out” and “Yell It Off”. “Spray and Wash” will remove red wine and grass stains if any of your little league guys celebrate too heavily after a game.
My personal favorite stain remover is a cleanser that can be purchased only at Dollar Tree. And yes, it costs a dollar. What I like about it is the myriad of items it will clean. A look at the back of the bottle will reveal almost one hundred items that are no match for its stain removing powers. It will clean your tires, counter tops, laundry, baby bottles, chain saws, grease pans, shutters, bugs from your grill, carburetor, and ovens. It will remove gum, paint, tar, peanut butter, lipstick, markers, fingernail polish, frog guts, blood, mud, and crud from anything living or dead depending on the ratio of cleanser to water.
But nothing, I repeat nothing will remove the red clay stains from my five-year-old’s white baseball pants or his socks. I defy any product on the legal market to clean these two items. I have cloroxed, boraxed, and tilexed them to the point that the threads in the socks have disintegrated except for where the stains actually were. The Cheer Lady will never plant her flag on our lawn. His socks will never be on the poster of the Clorox commercial. Red clay will never be one of the stains that Tide can remove in one washing…not even one hundred washings.
No, in households across the red clay plains of Texas, Georgia and all points in the northern hemisphere, ladies of the house can be heard mumbling late into the night “To be or not to be clean by game time. That is the question”.
In the end, I know I will have to purchase new baseball pants and new socks because “All the perfumes in Arabia will not sweeten this” …or take out the stains. Sorry, Lady Macbeth, those stains are here to stay!!

OK,because you asked,it's Awsome (not me, well maybe me, no that's the name of the cleanser "Awsome".