Gym Rules for Jim

By Jody Worsham, Jan. 2011

All rights reserved for publishing "Emily Post Goes to the Gym!"

A writer friend of mine penned some etiquette rules for those who are following through on New Year's Resolution #5 "Get into Shape". However, I feel he has missed some very basic rules that I wish to add for my friend Jim at the gym.

First, Jim, I know you are on this health kick with your gym membership and healthier eating styles but just let me give you a word of caution. DO NOT eat the broccoli and cauliflower salad three hours before you go to the gym, especially at your age. Impeding explosions of that magnitude could rattle the windows in nearby stores and would certainly evacuate the premises in record time.

Along those same lines, if you are beefing up with protein lay off the beans on gym day or at least take your Beano or there will be no gym left.

Secondly, do not go to the gym on the same day you are eating your last high fructose, fried junk food, taco-double-cheese-burger, banana split with a triple vanilla shake before forsaking all that for healthier foods. Trying to do a sit up with all that in your stomach is a no no!

Third, see your doctor before undertaking anything strenuous like opening a glass paneled door. Ambulance sirens and paramedics entering a gym about the time other people are arriving is a big turn off. Try to schedule your heart attacks before or after you leave the gym.

Fourth, what you wear to the gym, Jim, is very important. Spandex is not your friend, I don't care how cute the salesgirl was at Academy, do not buy spandex. If you are tempted, remember the hot air balloon festival you saw last summer and visualize yourself as the human version of the Kodak Hot Air Balloon.

Fifth, should you ever get to the point that you actually break a sweat, bring several towels, wear one on your head, one around your neck, two around your ankles, and two around your elbows. That way, when you pass out, you have some additional padding when you hit the floor and you won't leave a big puddle.

Sixth, avoid looking in the mirrors, especially at your age with your body. Not a pretty sight. Remember, objects in the mirror may appear larger… and usually are…and could cause undue stress on your heart.

Seventh, wear ear buds while playing your i-pod or mp3 player. Have your children program it with encouraging music but tell them to avoid "Eye of the Tiger", "Chariots of Fire", or the theme from Bonanza. You could get caught up in the music and exceed your limit. Start with some quiet elevator music.

Eighth, do no take pictures of your grandchildren with you to the gym because a) there are no pockets in your sweat suit and b) digging around in your suit then pulling out pictures of your grandchildren to share is just weird.

Ninth, and this is the most important, label all your clothing with your name and next of kin. Better yet, have it printed on your sweat shirt so that it is easily accessible to anyone who finds a sweaty, towel wrapped, overweight old man flopped over the exercise bike. Be considerate!

Follow these simple nine rules, Jim and I'm sure you will be considered the most polite person ever to visit the gym…at least once.